Nukie

Nothing says "clown" like a fat, bald guy who enjoys stripping. He sure fills me with whimsy. Wait, that's not whimsy... that's not whimsy at all!Back at the Space Foundation, EDDI tells Dr. Carter that he thinks she smells good - Miko must have reprogrammed him to be able to smell - and that he loves her. He then sings to her in the most terrifying manner possible. If any person or machine ever sang to me like that, I'd call an exorcist, and when he arrived, I'd stab him in the face with a carving knife as a sacrifice to Grongomet the Weaver King in hopes that he might remove the curse. On the subject of possessed machines (the continuity in this movie rocks me like a hurricane of ether), Nukie returns to Urapi, declares that he's not a bad god, then enters the machinery of a motorcycle, causing it to come to life and crash into the Corporal's jeep. He has no problem taking control of the motorcycle, but he couldn't do the same for the helicopter. Oh, Sias Odendal, you so crazy! No, really, you need to be institutionalized, you bastard. The Corporal tries to convince Sangoma to capture and sell Nukie rather than kill him, but Sangoma refuses. He's got the right idea: Nukie has to be stopped. We return to the Space Foundation to find EDDI scrolling through binary code and reading it aloud. Yes, that is correct, this sophisticated computer is actually programmed to read ones and freaking zeros out loud.

I'll give you a moment to get acclimated to that, because this paragraph is about to take a turn for the stupid. Think you're ready? Well, you're wrong. There's no way to be ready for this. Here we go: EDDI decides it's bored, so it calls Miko out to play. They play some "music," if you consider an all-spoons band to be music, which catches the attention of the evil Dr. Glynn. He doesn't think anything's strange about the little lumpy alien being out of the isolation room, but the computer playing music, well that's just unheard of! Oh no! How will Miko and EDDI get out of this one? Here's how: by turning Dr. Glynn into a clown. If your heart didn't stop, you didn't read that quite right, so I'll reiterate - the computer turns the NASA scientist into a clown by "raising his brainwaves." And how does the good doctor act like a clown? By bouncing up and down like a moron and stripping, of course! If that doesn't teach kids to fear clowns, their parents need to start spanking them with a taser. Dr. Glynn couldn't be happier to be a clown - it was apparently his childhood dream. You know, that's why he became a biologist. It makes sense, when you think about it long enough, and when you're on drugs. Dr. Rhinestone, the requisite coldhearted scientist, shows up and puts a stop to all the clowning. She gets hers, though; EDDI tells her she "sucks!" Thanks, EDDI! And here I was afraid you were going to waste my time!

Jumping back to Urapi like a no-legged kangaroo, we find Eric and Sister Ann locked in yet another inane debate. This time Ann finally explains why she wants Eric to leave. She blames America for the destruction of all of Africa, and since he's an American, he must be solely responsible. "Beer, cigarettes, sofas," she declares. "You call it 'progress.' I call it 'extermination.'" That's right, sofas are responsible for the extermination of the Africans. Damn you, sofas! Damn you all to Hell! Anyfuck, the twins are still wandering around as if they actually had someplace to go (reminder: they don't), and Toki gets bitten by a cobra. Tiko, ever the caring brother, tries to save him by stabbing him with a stick. The Corporal shows up in his jeep, drunk and ornery as ever, with Eric right behind him in his helicopter. Nukie appears and the Corporal shoots him. Yes! Three times. Yes! With tranquilizer darts. SHIT! Meanwhile, EDDI refuses to work with Dr. Rhinestone because she "has no feelings." Take that, doctor! Back at the mission hospital in Urapi, Eric tells Tiko where America is. In case you were wondering, this was the only reason Eric was in the movie. Sister Ann still tries to convince Eric that Nukie doesn't exist, even though he's seen him with his own eyes. Just then, the movie ends. Just kidding, this movie never ends because I am in Hell and this is my punishment.

"Kid, you tell anyone where I touched you, and - blamo!"

EDDI is randomly watching Tiko on its monitors. It's not powerful enough to trace an unidentified flying object's crash site to anywhere more specific than Central fucking Africa, but it can get audio and video of a specific individual in the middle of nowhere. Those popping sounds you're hearing are your brain cells. Miko's back at the controls once again and tells Tiko that he's near Miami Beach, and - wait a second. Miko... Tiko... Toki... hey! These names aren't original! They suck! Well, that cuts it, this movie is just no good at all. Back in Urapi, everyone's hair is noticeably shorter, even though the scene takes place about an hour after the last one. It must be the work of a bad god. The Corporal keeps trying to convince Sangoma to sell Nukie, and Sangoma keeps refusing. Of course the Corporal is a bastard, so he goes to the radio and miraculously tunes right in to a person who wants to buy the alien. 

Tiko frees Nukie from the cage he was being kept in, but the Corporal stops them from escaping. Suddenly Charlie the monkey leaps on the Corporal's back, failing to distract him in the least. Oh well, at least he speaks over everyone else's lines. Christ, there should be a support group for anyone who's ever had to listen to Charlie speak. It hurts so, so much. Somehow Nukie and Tiko escape, but not before breaking into the mission hospital to tell Toki where they're going. Sister Ann uses the radio and tells the mystery person on the other end that they don't have the alien, which they do. In exchange, the mystery person tells Ann that Eric went back to America. Now, you're probably wondering how the radio actually had pertinent information, when I stated earlier that such a thing never happens. Don't worry, Eric returns to Africa in the next scene. It is never explained why he left in the first place, nor do I care.

I hate this movie.

Miko sits at the controls once again, this time pleading with EDDI to open the door so he can leave the Space Foundation. EDDI explains that it's not in his programming, and then says that it is. Yeah, I don't get it either, nor do I understand why Miko can reprogram EDDI to have emotions, sing, play music, and turn scientists into clowns, but not to open the goddamn door. I guess it doesn't matter, since EDDI agrees to open the door roughly two seconds later. Miko doesn't leave, though. That would make sense, and we sure wouldn't want something like that coming along and screwing up this masterpiece of crap. Instead, Miko sneaks into Dr. Carter's office and hides in her laundry. The other scientists notice that Miko is missing, which is sort of strange since they didn't notice when he was sitting at the goddamn computer for half the movie. Dr. Glynn doesn't know what to do until EDDI tells him to "be a clown," so he blames Dr. Rhinestone for Miko's disappearance and resigns. He's probably off somewhere today, bouncing and stripping for Barnum and Bailey. That's the life. Specifically, the creepy, homoerotic life. The narrator then informs us that Project: Lightball was cancelled. Oh no.

That night Nukie tells Tiko, "if you don't know what to do, look to the stars and wish; and if it is a good wish, the stars will hear you and it will happen," which is the movie's tagline. It is also the worst tagline in the history of the world. Who the hell would ever remember something like that? That's not even the whole thing, that's just the bit that made it onto the box. I mean, what the hell were they thinking? "Be a clown" would have been a better tagline than that! ARRRGH! Maybe the next scene will calm me down. Let's see... it's daytime and Sister Ann is interrogating the hospitalized Toki about Tiko's whereabouts, but Toki suddenly doesn't speak any English. Strange, he was clearly speaking English in previous scenes, and OH GOD THIS MOVIE MAKES ME SO ANGRY, I HAVE ACTUALLY TURNED GREEN AND DOUBLED IN MASS. GREASY HULK SMASH SHITTY MOVIE! RAAAAAAAH!

From left to right, that's Nukie, Charlie, and Miko. Probably. Maybe. Eh, no one really cares.

Nukie and Tiko keep walking in a random direction, supposedly heading for America. Nukie complains about being tired, and apparently when he becomes tired his English gets worse. If there's one thing worse than listening to a hideous alien with a faux British accent whine, it's listening to a hideous alien with a faux British accent whine very poorly. The Corporal catches up with Nukie and Tiko in his jeep, but the tricky duo steal the vehicle and Tiko immediately drives it into a river. Way to drive there, no-drive! Nukie flies out of the passenger seat and into the rapids, then goes over a huge waterfall. So, water was dangerous after all! Nice foreshadowing, Odendal. I still hate you and all you represent. There is a short scene back at the Space Foundation where "Project: Lightball" is obviously still going on, as Dr. Rhinestone watches Tiko on one monitor and flashing data about Miko on the others. I suppose it's also possible that she just gets off on watching little African boys, but in any event this scene serves absolutely no purpose other than to waste time before we find out that Nukie is fine. Somehow Tiko catches up with him and pulls him out of the river. Nukie decides they're not getting anywhere by walking, so he turns Tiko and himself into balls of light and they fly away. That's right, he could have done that the whole time. Nukie runs out of energy and crashes, so Tiko lands. They find themselves next to a random abandoned house. Tiko is dismayed and the audience is overjoyed to see Nukie finally dying. Saddened by the loss of his horrible alien friend who almost got him and many others killed on numerous occasions, Tiko runs around like an idiot screaming for Miko.

Then Tiko remembers the movie's laughably bad tagline, and he wishes that everyone was there, including Toki and Miko, and that Nukie was alive. Eric, Sister Ann, the Corporal, Toki, Charlie (yes, Charlie, too), and some random woman who I think might be the twins' mother show up in a donkey-drawn wagon made from the back half of a Chevy. Miko shows up as a ball of light a moment later, and Nukie comes back to life. Nukie and Miko dry their tears of sadness over their separation and weep twice as many tears of joy over their reunion. As they hug, it is the most concentrated mass of ugliness since Margaret Thatcher and Janet Reno did that lesbian porno. The two aliens prepare to take off, but before they go, Charlie asks them to take him too. Perhaps as penance for having caused so much destruction while on Earth, or perhaps because they want some monkey to eat on their trip home, Nukie and Miko agree. The three of them turn into balls of light and fly off over more bad outer space clipart, dancing around one another like epileptic sperm. There are two ways to approach the end of this movie: the first possibility is that everyone who showed up was already trying to find Nukie and Tiko and it's just coincidence that they showed up when they did, in which case all the humans would have had to catch up with Nukie and Tiko, who were traveling at light speed, in their crappy wagon. The second possibility, and the one that I think we're supposed to believe, is that Tiko's wish came true, in which case I have to wonder why the hell Nukie didn't just make that wish in the first place? The wishing thing was his idea, after all. It's an ending that really makes you think; specifically, it makes you think how anything could possibly be so very bad.

Most of the movies I endure for Something Awful are so bad that I laugh; "Nukie" made me wince throughout its entirety. It is so painful to watch that I could only view it a second time by putting a protective mesh over my monitor. This movie has saturated every part of my body with its taint. My sperm are drenched in it. When and if I have children, they will be born with an intense hatred of "Nukie" and have severe mental defects. It is, by far, the worst thing that has ever happened to me. There is no part of "Nukie" that is not directly insulting to its audience. The camera moves once every twenty minutes, which is almost a blessing because it reduces the number of close-ups of Nukie, Miko, or the Corporal, all three of whom couldn't be any more repugnant if they bathed in their own crap. When the script isn't being horribly redundant, it contradicts itself for no reason. It honestly feels like Taylor took Odendal's story and realized it wasn't long enough for a feature film, so he threw the words "Miko" and "Nukie" in a couple thousand times apiece. The majority of the supposedly main characters serve no purpose whatsoever. The movie would have been exactly the same if Miko had just broken a leg when he landed in the beginning and he was never captured. In an insane effort to emphasize just how unbelievably bad the script is, Odendal gave it to a group of absolutely incompetent actors. The voice actors should be banned from ever working again, then shot through the throat. The running time on this cockswaggling filth is supposedly just over and hour and a half, but the action is so ponderously slow that time loses all meaning. If you put this movie in your VCR at 7:00 PM (not that you should, under any circumstances, come into possession of this movie), it will be over around 2:00 AM. It is utterly impossible for me to exaggerate just how bad "Nukie" is. This is a case where our current rating system just doesn't go low enough. In the quiet words of Emily "Integral" Reigel, "It is bad."

Each category in the rating system is based out of a possible -10 score (-10 being the worst). The overall score is based out of a possible -50 score (-50 being the worst).

– Ben "Greasnin" Platt