How Did You Celebrate Autism Day?

Learn When To Shut Up

Another one of my gay passions is trains. Rail is an integral aspect of any transportation network and because of our car culture America is severely behind other countries when it comes to mass transit. Here's what would happened if I tried to talk about this boring topic with another human being.

Me: Hey do you ever take the train?
Them: The what? You mean those things still exist? Nah, I don't.
Me: Ah, I see. So did you see those new shots of Lindsay Lohan's cunt?
Them: Hell yeah, bro. Those were awesome! *high-five*

As you can see in this simulation, I was able to detect that this person wasn't really interested in trains. After recognizing that, I was able to steer the conversation in a more mainstream direction. When in doubt, bring up vaginas.

Had I continued talking about trains the result would have been very different.

Me: Hey do you ever take the train?
Them: Nah I don't care much for trains.
Me: Well train travel is in a sorry state these days. Amtrak, our National Passenger Railroad System, just isn't doing the job. Amtrak operates trains on freight railroads that don't give priority to passenger trains. This causes numerous delays to riders to the point where no one takes the train anymore and-
Them: Okay, that sounds swell, but I have to go and-
Me: the government isn't doing anything to help the situation. They continue to drain funds from transit projects that could help get this country back on track. A little train pun for you there. But seriously we need more trains because the airports are packed and our freeways are clogged. It's shameful that the government won't-
Them: Well I really need to take a dump so-
Me: recognize that this is the most pressing issue in American history. We are so behind other countries when it comes to rail travel. France has the TGV and holds the world speed record for conventional rail. Japan's incredible bullet train network whisks riders away at 220 mph. People complain that railroads are highly subsidized but nobody talks about highway and airline subsidies do they? Big oil and auto makers are working to kill rail in this country and- Hey... what's that smell?

As you can see the person I was talking to actually defecated themselves in a desperate attempt to escape the one-sided conversation with me. I wish I could say I got all that stuff from another web site but unfortunately it was all me. I'm so ashamed.

In fact this article is getting way too long and I'm pretty sure you're showing signs of disinterest by now. Heh, there I go "aspin'" it up! I'm going to do you a favor and wrap it up.

Hopefully these tips help you interact with others in a way that doesn't make them talk about you behind your back, describing you as "that weird asshole who won't shut up about Transformers" the second you leave the room. The fact is you don't have Asperger's, a lower form of autism, or anything like that. You're just a regular nerd. The sooner you own up to it, the better.

In any case, I hope you had a happy Autism Day! See you this Fall when CNN holds their first ever day-long special, "Second Life: How a Community of Diaper Furs Taught Us How to Believe Again".

– Hassan "Acetone" Mikal