Memos from Bear Cave: the King Frog Scenario

This article is part of the Memos from Bear Cave series.

To: All Employees of Bear Cave
Date: June 17, 1981
Subject: TOO MANY FROGS

I don't know what you idiots did, but now there are 26 frogs in No. 3. That's one frog away from the critical tipping point, where contamination is too great to cover up. I'm going out there, stripping nude, putting on my goggles and spearing as many as I can to save this company. Every last one of you better follow me out there and watch closely. Don't even think of taking your eyes off of me. You need to how a real man gets things done.

To: All Employees of Bear Cave
Date: June 17, 1981
Subject: You all Failed Me

The reason I asked you all to come watch me strip naked and start spearing frogs in the No. 3 vat was to make sure I didn't kill too many. When a man of my virility gets caught up in the hunt, I don't stop until I've satisfied my bloodlust. Now we're back down to three frogs, perilously close to the King Frog Scenario. This is on each one of you.

On the positive side, the amount of frog guts means we can save some of the horse meat for later batches. In the meantime, I need each of you to bring me three bullfrogs by end of day.

To: All Employees of Bear Cave
Date: June 17, 1981
Subject: R.I.P.

Ðâng Lành is dead. He died defending this company, trying to spear the all-powerful King Frog that emerged just hours ago. He fell into the vats and never surfaced. He was a remarkable instrument of violence, but his lungs couldn't handle the incredible viscosity of our Corn Medley with Bits O' Stew.

I have dispatched Tall Charlie to the jungles of Vietnam to tell Ðâng Lành's wife and children that he is dead, and that he also spent the last few years in America working in the soup industry... an industry for which he made the ultimate sacrifice.

To: All Employees of Bear Cave
Date: June 17, 1981
Subject: The End Times

Maintaining healthy soup vats is a never-ending struggle. Too many frogs and they literally become the soup. Too few frogs and you risk empowering a King Frog, a too-big-to-fail frog that chases all other frogs away yet cannot himself keep the delicate insect balance in check.

Now we have our own King Frog. I looked the bastard in the eye. He knows he has us now. I feared this day would come from the moment I muscled my way into the soup industry. I still remember my first can. There was more of me in that can than there was actual soup, but I still sold it. And I refused to give that goddamn drifter his money back when he came at me with a hacksaw. It wasn't the first time I scooped a man's eyeballs out with a can lid, and it certainly wasn't the last.

The point is I had a dream, and I made that dream a reality. I built this company one can at a time. And in spite of every last one of you working hard to undermine me, I still managed to make this place succeed.

It's time to recoup what I can. I'm selling the weaker of you to human traffickers, and everyone else will die with me as I set the building ablaze. Thanks for nothing.

To: All Employees of Bear Cave
Date: June 17, 1981
Subject: IT'S A GODDAMN MIRACLE

Those of you I just poured gasoline on better clean yourselves up. We're back in business. I don't know why I didn't think of this before, but Bouillon saved the day once more. That beautiful son of a bitch jumped in and just straight up ate the King Frog, something I didn't even know was possible.

We're lucky to still have jobs. I want each of you to kiss Bouillon on the mouth as a token of your appreciation. I will personally be observing to make sure your kiss is affectionate and Bouillon feels satisfied.

We're going to need to clean out all the chunks of Bouillon that stayed in the vat, at least just the furry ones, and No. 3 is good to go. We're going to relabel it as "Country Frog & Corn Medley," which I expect to sell like gangbusters, even if I have to buy every last can myself using your salaries.

Also, once Ðâng Lành's body surfaces, I want you to bring it to me. I've already got a burial plot reserved for him, next to mine.

To: All Employees of Bear Cave
Date: June 18, 1981
Subject: Disregard this Week's Memos

I've been eating fistfuls of hallucinogenic mushrooms over the last few days and accidentally circulated some private memorandums not intended for the company at large. If any of you read them or acted on them, know that you willfully stole privileged corporate secrets, and are hereby sworn to secrecy. What happened over the last few days DID NOT HAPPEN. If you think otherwise, you can come tell me to my face. I'm in my office with six different loaded guns and three different kinds of swords.

Those of you who insist you saw me drown Ðâng Lành in the No. 3 vat are mistaken. And even if I did do that, I was under the impression he was a large frog threatening our jobs. You should be thanking me for fighting on your behalf... WHICH I DID NOT DO.

– Josh "Livestock" Boruff (@Livestock)