Memos from Bear Cave: Blood, Sweat and Soup

This article is part of the Memos from Bear Cave series.

TO: Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.
DATE: February 27, 1979
SUBJECT: Casual Fridays?

NOT ON MY WATCH. If you come into my office dressed "casual," I will casually fire you. There is nothing casual about having a job and the awesome responsibilities that come with having a job. This is a place of business, and you will dress like it. That means long sleeves, long pants, shoes and a well-groomed mustache. I will be inspecting employee attire and using my regulation mustache gauge to ensure that nobody is playing fast and loose with company facial hair standards.

TO: Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.
DATE: March 2, 1979
SUBJECT: Howling

It is my exclusive right as owner of this company to howl like a wild beast whenever I so choose or whenever the spirit moves me to do so. I will not tolerate any other employee, be he man, woman or beast acting in this fashion. It is my gift... It is my curse.

TO: Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.
DATE: March 5, 1979
SUBJECT: Office Pranks

I have been made aware of a certain activity some of you enjoy in the office: horseplay. I have heard stories about employees playing practical jokes on each other, including but not limited to placing a "Whoopee Cushion" on another's seat. Well, here's an office prank you will all enjoy: I released a live cobra in the office.

P.S. He is very angry since I spun him around like a lasso several times before releasing him.

TO: Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.
DATE: March 7, 1979
SUBJECT: Children in the Office

No employee is allowed to bring children to work except me (my idiot rockabilly son still counts as my child even though he is of legal age and I have thrice disowned him). Because of people violating this rule, a child has fallen into the soup vats while playing catch in the soupyards.

Nobody is to notify the police or authorities. We will be handling this matter internally. I will fish the child out of the soup vats myself during my next swim. I have already told the child's mother, Dorothy Thompson, that this accident was her fault and sent her home for the day so that her womanly hysterics do not interrupt business. She will be making up the time this Saturday.