This article is part of the Memos from Bear Cave series.

TO: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.
DATE: March 26, 1979 7:45 AM

Today I discovered something disturbing waiting for me just outside the front door to our offices: a bowl of blood. I asked Manuel Rodriguez if he knew what this was about, and he informed me it was part of a gang ritual known as "THE CHOLO."

According to Manuel, the ritual is invoked when a gang has been wronged. The leaders of the gang -- known as warlords -- spill their blood into a bowl, then deliver that bowl to their intended target as a warning. After that, they marshal their forces and attack relentlessly until their target is killed, along with anyone who stands in the way.

It just so happens that a few days ago I ran over a "vato" on the way home from the Bouncy House, my favorite strip club. I suppose this "CHOLO" could be connected to that, unless one of you idiots recently wronged a street gang. If you have, you better come clean so I can deliver your head to the local warlords myself.

I can tell by the burnt-rubber tire tracks in my parking lot that the thugs left in a hurry. They'll be back. We can count on it.

TO: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.
DATE: March 26, 1979 8:05 AM
SUBJECT: Wake up, idiots.

In case it wasn't clear from my last memo, this building will soon be attacked by an army of gangbangers. You are supposed to be fortifying my building and taking up battle stations, not going about your jobs like nothing is wrong. There will be plenty of time to do that when the street gang is defeated.

It goes without saying we are on lockdown and nobody leaves the building until THE CHOLO is over.

TO: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.
DATE: March 26, 1979 8:45 AM
SUBJECT: Leave the cops out of this

Do any of you sons of bitches value your jobs? If so, don't even think about calling the cops. The last thing we need is for a bunch of lily-white cops snooping around my building, asking about safety records and permits. We can handle this matter of THE CHOLO internally.

TO: All Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.
DATE: March 26, 1979 10:20 AM

According to Tall Charlie, most of you are showing up to work unarmed. In case you are somehow unaware, there is a DEMOCRAT IN THE WHITE HOUSE. If that's not reason enough to carry a gun around all the time, perhaps the army of thugs, rapists, and gangbangers roaming the streets is. I am personally disappointed in all of you for showing up to work unarmed and wholly unprepared to protect my building from invaders.

I have instructed Tall Charlie begin distributing guns from my personal gun cabinet immediately. Report to the main conference room to pick up a firearm. I will be keeping track of bullets and bodies, so if you want your bonus to be worth a damn this year, you better shoot to kill.

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Pardon Our Dust

    Pardon Our Dust

    Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.



    Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind

About this series

Memos sent from Bear Cave Soup's eccentric president to his poor, beleaguered employees.

Other articles in this series

Copyright ©2024 Jeffrey "of" YOSPOS & Something Awful