From: Steve Norris <indiana_biker@hotmail.com>

Subj: ok i will tell you about cakefarts

Body:

I liked the two scenarios: 1. the fart at the cake store. 2. The cake-sitting fart. I'm not that much into fart domination, but I like to fantasize that a Dominatrix farts on food and lets her slave eat it afterwards.

I don't know the Queen of Farts that well. We chat once in a blue moon. She used to have a forum and that's
where I met Ashleigh and Mandy and they farted on cakes for me and made me happy and satisfied. Why cakes? Dunno. I guess I assume it absorbs the fart more easily. Pies are ok too. What prompted YOU to start a cakefarting website like that if I may ask?


He was losing focus. He was becoming inquisitive. I needed to wrest back control of the conversation before I lost my chance at cakefarting nirvana. I tried the hard sell--with disastrous results.


From: the enigmatic cakelord

Subj: PULL IT TOGETHER STEVE

Body:

no no it's not time for that steve we need to arrive at the root of your cakefarting obsession, i need to know more, i need to know what happens when you smell a fart in public, do you find yourself compulsively sniffing chairs and barstools in mexican restaurants, your fingernails scrabbling through the fabric and shoveling the smell into your desperate lungs, do your nostrils flare like a horse in heat as you whinny frantically for a whiff of another butt, like a dog, like an animal, a primal beast furiously marking its territory, a gassy balto in the arctic wilderness farting his way to save the children from diptheria, AAARRRRUUUUUU in the night with a thousand overwhelmed men gasping in the distance and collapsing and arriving at the shores of styx smelling like shit and salvation

farting is the window to a man's soul (as de tocqueville said) and i want to peer into yours and put on a diving suit and wander flippering through your acrid dreams

also what level of intensity is allowed in cakefarting? i've taken some pretty dynamic farts in my life but never onto cakes, i presume that pooping is frowned upon but what about a light but flavorful mist? please clarify!

oh and also i hope you asphyxiate on your own farts one night with tears streaming from your irritated eyes and that your last thought is the strained revelation that you are human garbage


I think I came on too hard. Instead of sharing his secrets, Cakefartin' Steve retreated into anger and then madness. His emails became more and more disjointed and incoherent, possibly because he was suffering from methane poisoning. What follows are some excerpts from the dozens of emails he sent me in response.


From: Steve Norris <indiana_biker@hotmail.com>

Subj: what the hell man

Body:

...Jesus you sound like Freud..lol Are you a man or a woman? I'm not THAT desperate. I don't sniff farts AT
ALL in public. I just fantasize about women farting on food among other things to get off. Tell me more
about yourself. I just watched Ashleigh's meatball farts. Pretty sexy girl, ain't she?...

...The only way I would tolerate your abuse is if you're a Dominatrix woman. If you are then I will smell your farts. If not, you know where to go...

...Common man I was joking....I like to smell women farts...

...You're pathetic...


After that last whimpering curse, Steve was silent for days. I thought perhaps he was ashamed. Perhaps he had forgotten. Perhaps he had died. And then I received a new email, thundering with the righteous fury of a cakefarter scorned.

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Pardon Our Dust

    Pardon Our Dust

    Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.

  • DEAR FURRIES: WE WERE WRONG

    DEAR FURRIES: WE WERE WRONG

    Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind

Copyright ©2021 Jeffrey "of" YOSPOS & Something Awful