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SA Celebrity Stalker: March Madness

Wednesday, Mar 11, 2009 by Josh "Livestock" Boruff (@Livestock)

This article is part of the SA Celebrity Stalker series.


A harrowing look into the everyday lives of celebrities, as spotted & cataloged by our on-the-street reporters.

Jessica Biel

Yesterday @ 11 am

Couldn't help but notice the lovely Jessica Biel trying to parallel park her car. She kept messing up and starting over. After about 4 hours she ran out of gas and just abandoned the car, half jutting out into the street like some terrible albatross.

Danny DeVito

Yesterday @ 12pm

MMMMMM is all I can say after spotting Danny DeVito. So stubby and rotund, like a buoy or a giant loveable thumb. Wanted to slather him in cocktail sauce and take him home for dinner.

Tim Allen

Yesterday @ 1pm

Spotted Tim Allen outside the 15th St Quiznos. I immediately looked away in disgust because he is the last person on this earth I want to see.

J. D. Salinger

Yesterday @ 2pm

Was playing some softball when our ball flew into Old Man Salinger's yard. Started to retrieve it but he came stomping out onto the porch screaming to high heaven. We ran away cursing his name as the hot sun beat down upon our youthful brows.

Richard Kind

Yesterday @ 5pm

Saw Richard Kind cradling a whole ham in his arms on the subway. He was calling it Carol. The ham, I mean. Carol. Very tender.

Matthew Broderick

Yesterday @ 11pm

Heard a mysterious moaning noise while walking down the street. Followed it to a warehouse and looked through a window. Matthew and six other robed figures were eating a human arm and chanting. Looked to be in good spirits. Wonder where SJP was?

Tobey Maguire

Today @ 3am

Seen: Tobey Maguire eating a squirrel in an alleyway. He asked me if I wanted some but I told him no. I'm a proud Vegetarian and I respect my Body and Nature too much.

Wayne Brady

Today @ 10am

Saw Wayne Brady - or should I say "Wayne Shady" - outside smoking a cigarette like it was no big deal. Well, Mr. Brady, cigarettes are a leading cause of cancer, and you're a first class buffoon. I saw you, and you owe me and the rest of the world an apology for your actions.

Harvey Keitel

Today @ 11am

Ran into Harvey Keitel at Starbucks. Asked him "so you like coffee?" He stared me down with a look that reduced me to a shivering lump of fear and anxiety. As I wept at his feet he responded "no." I then saw he was getting tea and felt pretty dumb.

Philip Seymour Hoffman

Today @ 3pm

Spotted PSH milking a goat in Central Park. I asked him what he was doing and he said it was research for a movie role but he was sweating a lot and acting nervous and the goat looked like it didn't want to be there.

Justin Timberlake

Today @ 6pm

GOOD GOLLY! JT is out of control. Saw him hopping around a Safeway naked, bloody, and missing a leg. I'm pretty sure his teeth were gone too! Talk about clean up on aisle 3!

Reginald VelJohnson

Today @ 7pm

Improbable as it may sound, I saw Reginald ValJohnson. When I reached out to touch his milk chocolate skin, he grabbed my hand and pushed me away. He had a mole on his arm. I hope it wasn't melanoma???

– Josh "Livestock" Boruff (@Livestock)

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