This article is part of the SA Celebrity Stalker series.

Ah hah! Our spies see all that transpires in the realm of the celebrity. Behold these fresh dispatches!

Dennis Rodman

Yesterday @ 12pm

Dude! The Worm! I saw him earlier but forgot virtually every relevant detail! In fact it might not have even been him! Still pretty cool, I guess.

Mel Gibson

Yesterday @ 2pm

Beastly is all I can say. Saw Mel chasing a goose through the park. He chased it into a pond, grabbed it by the neck, and just started biting into the helpless thing. Blood everywhere!

Paris Hilton

Yesterday @ 4pm

Saw the drama queen get into a spat with SNAKE WARZ director Jaume Collet-Serra. From what I overheard she was mad about a scene where she'd have to make out with a giant snake. Would love to be that snake!

Val Kilmer

Yesterday @ 7pm

Val called about 7pm last night trying to get me to sign up for the Albuquerque Journal, but I told him I got all my news from NPR. He seemed genuinely sad and I had to ask if he was "OK." He just hung up on me.

James Franco

Yesterday @ 8pm

Franco's huge head is currently blocking my view of the goddamn sunset. Fuck this guy and fuck his huge head.

Olver Platt & Guys and Dolls Cast

Yesterday @ 10pm

Saw the entire cast and crew of Guys and Dolls getting into a single taxi cab near Broadway. WE LOVE YOU, OLIVER PLATT.

Bob Hope

Today @ 2am

Woke up to a strange, ghostly sound. Went into the kitchen and saw a terrifying apparition of Bob Hope warning me to turn off the oven. Sure enough it was on. I have an electric oven, but no sense letting the bill run up.

Zac Efron

Today @ 10am

Ran into Efron. Not so tough! Put him in a headlock, then transitioned into a perfect guillotine choke. He was crying and gasping within seconds. Held on for an extra minute just to show him who's boss. Think he peed himself.

Carl Weathers

Today @ 11am

Saw Carl in Wal-Mart buying some sensible slacks. I asked him if there was ever going to be a Predator spinoff with his character and he just wept like a baby in my arms. I cradled him for several hours.

Clive Owen

Today @ 12pm

Spotted Clive looking hella stately walking down the street with a beautiful kite shield in hand. Literally the perfect fashion accessory. Classic, but still hip and modern. Probably offers good defense, too.

George Lopez

Today @ 4pm

Sitcom star George Lopez is relaxing on the beach. He's completely naked and sunning himself. Looks good. Everything in the right place. Will try to provide some illustrations later.

Wayne Knight

Today @ 7pm

I can't go into detail but I'm seriously inside Wayne Knight's closet right now and he doesn't know it. He's in the room and I think he's about to change clothes. Oh god, if he finds me I'm a goner for sure. I love you, Sandy. Take care of the kids.

– Josh "Livestock" Boruff (@Livestock)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Pardon Our Dust

    Pardon Our Dust

    Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.



    Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind

About this series

Keep up with all the latest celebrity sightings from New York to LA, and anywhere else the stars shine.

Other articles in this series

Copyright ©2024 Jeffrey "of" YOSPOS & Something Awful