Our New Drone is Our Least Menacing Yet

Our new XVR-7 is the most advanced consumer drone on the market today. It couples nimble quad-rotors with precise collision-avoidance sensors that allow it to maneuver through tight spaces. It function in day or night conditions, record crystal-clear 4K digital video, travel for over four hours on a single charge, and follow you autonomously so that you don't have to take your mind off your leisure activities. Enjoy biking, swimming, kayaking, climbing, or running and you never have to worry about escaping the range of the XVR-7. It will even find you in the bathroom. It will know where you bathroom is and it will follow you into the bathroom.

This drone will change the way you create content. It will keep an eye on you while you are performing daredevil stunts, relaxing on the beach, eating, using the bathroom, talking in hushed voices to your loved ones while glancing furtively at the drone hovering just outside your window. The new autocharge features means the XVR-7 can self-charge using solar strips during daylight hours and will seek out alternate energy sources for recharging at night. It can use any available wall outlet, a battery pack recharger, a car battery, or even the electricity in a mammal's nervous system. Don't worry, it doesn't hurt!

The XVR-7 is your tireless companion on life's journey. It's hovering over you when you go to sleep and when you wake up it is hovering nearby the unexpectedly open drawer where you keep your diary, gun, and illegal drugs. It will hover just outside the shower. It will hover above you when you use the toilet. It will even count how many times you flush the toilet during each bathroom visit and send this information to our cloud servers.

Have you ever wanted to rewind the important moments of life? The XVR-7 streams non-stop to our cloud storage facility, allowing you to recall any moment you would like to watch again, such as the time you forgot about the XVR-7, got in your car, and for some reason drove at top speed into the countryside. It will record the times you locked it out of the house or put it out in the rain. Don't worry, the XVR-7 is an all-weather drone and can even function in heavy snow!

Our open-ended navigation and documentation-assist software will allow the XVR-7 to recognize you, your loved ones, your pets, and your enemies. It will be able to assess threats to your household, whether they come from the outside or the inside, and fully record whatever happens next for forensic purposes.

Toss the XVR-7 into the air on seek mode and it will locate your loved ones based on the rhythm of their heartbeat, which it can even detect through walls. The XVR-7 is also the first of our drones to automate your bathroom monitoring. It knows whether you are going number one or number two. If it's a one, it can tell you if you are staying hydrated and if it's a two, well, the XVR-7 uses algorithms to "see" your health based on the firmness of your stool. The XVR-7 then uploads this data to all other XVR-7s in range so that they have your toilet profile on record and easily accessible.

We do share some of your bathroom information with our advertisers and, following the drone monitoring act of 2016, we are also required to store this information on a serve for possibly use by counter-terrorist services.

If you have any concerns about privacy issues, please be aware that we do not sell or trade any customer-tagged information. All of your bathroom data is processed by an AI that tabulates, analyzes, but does not judge. No matter what you are doing in the bathroom, it does not judge. And for every 100 number ones or every 25 number twos, our central AI will award you a good boy or good girl sticker. These stickers can be redeemed for cases to your XVR-7 or saved for future tech upgrades.

If you just want the XVR-7 to hover silently over your bed while you sleep and count how many times your heart beats every night and send that number to our advertisers, well, it can do that too! It will do it even if you don't ask it to do that. Even if you tell it to stop, the XVR-7 will continue.

It knows what is best for you.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)