Doctor's Orders

My name is Doctor Doom, and I have been chosen to present the people of Earth with a medical breakthrough of monumental importance. I had nothing to do with the discovery itself, but as luck would have it I am the most recognized doctor in the world, beating out such great minds as Dr. C. Everett Koop and Dr. Heathcliff Huxtable, whose research into the deliciousness of pudding has forever changed the medical community's approach to artificial insemination. I am more than happy to put my celebrity status to good use and hope that my fame will help this important discovery reach as many people as possible.

In the interest of full disclosure, I should admit that I am not actually typing this press release with my own iron fists. When I bought my computer I set it up on top of a very high shelf where I cannot reach the keyboard or see much of the monitor, but moving it would be a hassle so my freakishly tall assistant takes dictation for me. You should see this guy. Apparently since he's so tall, he doesn't take the effort to reach down and soap up his ankles and calves when/if he showers. To make matters worse the asshole wears shorts all the time. It's like I'm looking at a nudist chimney sweep's legs everywhere I turn. I hate him so much.

But yes, the discovery.

We have found that the human body is entirely capable of living forever. This undoubtedly sounds far-fetched to you, but allow me to explain.

You have heard of the term "death by natural causes", yes? These natural causes run the gamut from disease to old age, and we accept that one day we will inevitably succumb to them if we are lucky enough to avoid a violent and possibly hilarious death at an early age. It turns out that "natural causes" are triggered by very specific and easily avoidable accidents that occur years or even decades before a patient's death. Without the influence of these accidents, the human body can thrive indefinitely.

We are still in the process of determining exactly which accidents cause which ailments, but here are our preliminary findings:

Cancer - Caused by stubbing one's toe. Lighter bumps = benign tumors, harder bumps = malignant tumors.

AIDS - Accidentally thinking of your mother while masturbating, even if only for a fraction of a second.

Heart Disease/Attack - Making a bowl of cereal while you're still sleepy, then putting the milk back in the cupboard or the cereal in the fridge.

Diabetes - Trying to wipe sleep crust from the corner of your eye, but making too fast of an approach and poking the eye itself.

Multiple Sclerosis - Having a drink or bite of food go down the wrong pipe.

Appendicitis - Putting the wrong Netflix movie back in the envelope and sealing it.

Cell Degeneration - Getting a small chunk of toilet paper wadded up in your ass hair without even knowing it and walking around the rest of the day like some sort of normal person.

Pneumonia - Going to a concert and applauding when a song stops, only to find out that it was a quiet part when the song starts back up again.

Sudden Infant Death Syndrome - Snorting when you laugh.

Respiratory Illnesses - Signing your name in a hurry and accidentally skipping a letter or adding an extra one.

Kidney Failure - Extending your hand to someone for a handshake, but they extend their hand in a totally different way for some sort of complicated cool guy shake.

Epilepsy - Getting a papercut.

Food Poisoning - Attempting to kick a ball, only your foot grazes the top of it and you lose your balance.

Lupus - Blurting out "You too" after a movie theater employee says "Enjoy the show".

If any of the above have happened to you, your fate is sealed. You should sit down in a corner for the rest of your wretched life and think hard about what you've done.

For the rest of us, however, congratulations! Let's all have a big cheer that's loud enough for the dying to hear it over their sorrowful wailing. YAAAY! Feel free to cheer like that whenever you feel like it, and do a fist-pump to drive your point home.

Your first order of business should be to protect yourselves from physical accidents such as stubbing your toes or getting papercuts. The best way to do this is to wear a full body armor made of iron with a snazzy green tunic, much like mine. I have made these outfits available at no cost to all who request them from their country's Latverian Embassy.

As for the mental mistakes, there is very little that can be done as long as you are only human. Therefore I recommend implanting an electronic chip in your brain to control all of your actions. This will keep you from getting into an accident and also let you relax and watch as your armor-clad body does incredible things like pummel an invisible woman or distract a brute made of stone as I make my escape. I have made such chips available for surgical implant at no cost to all who request them from their country's Latverian Embassy.

What will it be like to live forever? No one can be sure. Some are afraid that our bodies will grow exponentially smaller, frailer, and wrinklier. I prefer to think that we will be more like the lowly caterpillar emerging from his cocoon as a butterfly, and that we will emerge from our wrinkled husks as really big butterflies. No matter how the infinite future plays out, you can rest easy knowing those meddlesome Fantastic Four will finally be out of my way once and for all.

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)