Updates to the State of Tennessee Human Sexuality Curriculum

Due to the passage of the Tennessee "Don't Say Gay" Law (SB49) it will no longer be legal to teach or discuss any aspect of homosexuality in the classroom. Heterosexuality is the only officially recognized form of sexuality by the state of Tennessee. Please refer to the following updated curriculum of permissible discussion topics and adjust your syllabus accordingly.

Discussion topic changes

Non-sexual same-sex friendships - When discussing do not mention intense staring (same-sex) with the exception of post-battle trooper stares.

Comradely touching - Limit same-sex touching to high-fives (male) and tearful hugs (female).

Heterosexual kissing - Omit description of how to make a mouth with your own hand and practicing kissing.

Heterosexual touching, foreplay - Refer to women with B-cup or smaller breasts as "boys."

Heterosexual staring through blinds at a neighbor (heterosexual) while masturbating (heterosexually) - Encourage, but strictly forbid watching a neighbor having heterosexual intercourse, because that's half homosexual.

Heterosexual giving your ex ketamine and putting them in a state of ego death, then holding down, spitting on, taking pictures of, and grudge-fucking your ex as long as you do it so hard and good they emerge from their k-hole and it turns from rape into consensual sex and then blasting her (his) face with a monster load of jizz (female jizz) - Encourage, but mention that female jizz is probably just urine, possibly demonstrating with a female member of the class and a modified reciprocating saw.

Course changes

Automobile driving - Expand unit on T-tops and remove references to all Volkswagen and Volvo cars, as well as hybrids.

Firearms maintenance and practice - Modify description of dueling to remove references to "gun on gun."

AutoCAD - Exclude chapter on Gouraud shading.

Heterosexual education - All audio and video presentations must be edited to replace references to homosexual behavior with natural audio and video of ducks on a pond.

French language - Replace with course on revving a dirt bike motor.

Athletics

Wrestling team - All matches will be coed and immediately forfeited by the boys to preserve the chastity of the female wrestler.

Swim team - Male and female teams will compete in baptismal gowns.

Tennis team - Eliminate and replace with Call of Duty team.

Debate team - The only debates allowed are "should creationism be taught along with other theories?" and "should abortion be outlawed?" and the teams on the "no" side of both issues must immediately concede the debate.

Model UN - Dissolve in favor of Model Confederacy. Discuss Northern aggression and how war is not about heterosexual slavery.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)