Another Awful Energy Drink Review Roundup (Part I)

This article is part of the Awful Energy Drink and Food Reviews series.

Bad news, America: despite our country's crippling recession, an astronomical rise in oil prices, and the failure of virtually every market in existence, the energy drink industry continues to roll out horrific new concoctions with names like "PRO-ENERGY 2000" and "ANGER BARN PRESENTS: RAGE FUEL MASSACRE ORGY ORANGE EXXXTREME." The proverbial cockroach beneath the refrigerator, it appears nothing short of a complete nuclear holocaust will prevent corporations from cramming a handful of taurine into an orange test tube and marketing it as an organic B-vitamin supplement designed to prevent your brain from atrophying.

We're back with yet another awful energy drink review, taking a good, hard look at the bad soft drinks extreme and hardcore enough to charge $3.00 per can. I enlisted the help of Kevin "Fragmaster" Bowen for this article, primarily because he hasn't written anything in several decades and I wanted to make sure he still remembered where a majority of the alphabet was located on his keyboard. On to the review!

Monster KHAOS

Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka: For those of you who have grown bored and disinterested drinking Monster NEUTRAL and Monster LAWFULLY GOOD, I would like to suggest Monster KHAOS, one of many drinks here guaranteed to lower your INT by at least 6 points. As a general rule, the more money companies invest in a marketing team specializing in convincing the public they need high fructose corn syrup to function on the most primal level, the less money these companies spend creating a product that doesn't taste like jamming your tongue up the anus of the queen from "Aliens."

One sip of this disaster made me feel as if the world's worst clown blew a load down my throat. Unfortunately, the flavor of Monster's rancid bile soon shifted from a bouquet of rotten circus peanuts to a decaying cotton candy hell. I'm not sure if this represents a good or bad thing; it's like being the victim of a hit and run accident, then getting run over by the ambulance as the paramedics show up. For the sake of consistency, Monster designed their can to be just as terrible as the drink it contains. Allow me to quote: "Our Pro Athletes are always looking for an edge, so when they've got an idea we listen. After months in the lab we perfected the 'Juice Monster'." Oh well congratulations on perfecting the "Juice Monster," you geniuses! When do you plan on actually selling that stuff instead of this horrid shit?

Kevin "Fragmaster" Bowen: Wait, did I read that correctly? Are we really supposed to believe "Pro Athletes" demanded the creation of Monster KHAOS? What "Pro Athletes" have been clamoring for lots of potassium sorbate? Can any pro athletes even spell "potassium sorbate?" Monster KHAOS seriously looks and smells like something I'd expect to be oozing out of a STD-ridden pumpkin penis. It's like licking the LSD-coated floors of a carnival funhouse. I think the flavor is supposed to be "orange," but it really just tastes like "sneakers."

Rating: 3 / 10 (Rich), 2 / 10 (Frags)

Mountain Dew Voltage

Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka: This is one of the three exciting new Mountain Dew drinks created for some bizarre promotional campaign describing itself as, "1 of 3 new Mountain Dew flavors created by Dew Drinkers. Only 1 flavor will remain... which will it be?" Wow, am I to believe PepsiCo Inc. hired REAL LIFE, ACTUAL MOUNTAIN DEW DRINKERS to design their product line? What an incredible, revolutionary way of thinking, which doesn't at all sound like, "well, we've pretty much given up all hope here, maybe some of you fat slobs might have better luck doing our jobs for us?"

Mountain Dew "Voltage" can best be described as a deep, dark blue failure, tasting like a wooden bucket full of Hi-C lemonade and roofing nails left uncovered on somebody's back porch for several weeks, possibly during tornado season. With 76 grams of sugar and 25% of your daily carbohydrates in a single bottle, experts (me) claim this drink is simply wonderful (at removing the paint from enemy trucks). Furthermore, I'd also like to point out that I own plenty of items which contain voltage in them, yet I don't necessarily want to drink any of them.

Kevin "Fragmaster" Bowen: If you threw a Smurf into a food processor, Mountain Dew Voltage would be your end result. And in this situation, I really cannot sufficiently stress the phrase "end result." This stuff smells exactly like you'd expect a bright blue liquid to smell: a mixture of science and industrial plastics stolen from a 3M laboratory. The taste is not really that offensive (compared to burning human flesh), as it mostly resembles a melted 7-11 Slushie forgotten overnight in a minivan.

Rating: 6 / 10 (Rich), 5 / 10 (Frags)