Grand Theft Asshole

Woman in Her Underwear Carrying Groceries

Feeling bad about my recent run in with the law I decided to stop being an asshole and start helping people. I noticed a woman in her underwear carrying a bag of groceries down the street. I offered to help her carry them when they accidentally fell to the ground.

The shock of such an incident must have left her with amnesia because she forgot to pick up her groceries and instead ran away! Ever the helpful lad I picked up a can of soup and ran after her. I tossed the can to her and she dropped it. Women sure are clumsy!

Unfortunately helping women isn't taken too kindly in Liberty City and I soon attracted the attention of the police - again. Following their hearts, the cops decided to shoot first and ask questions later. I attempted to use the woman as a human shield but American women cannot take as many bullets as a sturdy Russian bride and soon we both died for our sins.

Strip Club

Moving to a new country can be stressful so I decided to relax at a local strip club. Upon entering I met the most beautiful woman I have ever seen but because of my high functioning autism the only way I could show my affection was head butting her repeatedly.

Having caused my only love to crack her skull on a chair I set my sights on another fine looking lady. Since other customers were standing on the stage I figured I might as well too but I was soon accosted by several bouncers. Like a deranged lunatic I jumped all over the club until things settled down.

The bouncers were nice enough to give me another chance to behave myself and I took my place at one of the stages. I asked a fellow patron to please move out of my way so I could gaze at some non-anime titties but he held on for dear life while his friend remarked at what a retard I was. After spergin' out once again and climbing on the stage they asked me to leave for good.

Considering that I wasn't welcome at this strip club the only logical thing to do in my mind was to knock everything over. Eventually they chased me outside where I once again attracted police attention and was killed just for wanting to have a good time. Goddamn racists in this city, I swear!

Subway Platform

After a day of getting my ass handed to me by bouncers and police, I decided to head home via the subway. One thing I hate to see is other commuters missing their train. In order to help them catch the subway I decided to push them through the doors and into their seat. Unfortunately after being shot in the eyes all day by the brutally corrupt LCPD my aim wasn't at its best.

Bottom Line

The gameplay in Grand Theft Auto IV is the same old stuff we've seen in previous installments. Get a contact. Do their dirty work. Repeat 100 times while screwing around with odd jobs in between the story missions while enjoying the trademark Rockstar Games "ROFL Liberty City COCKS 69 69 69!!!" humor until you've beaten the game.

But where GTA4 really shines is in the Asshole Physics. Never before has a piece of software given players such a robust set of features that they can use to act like the biggest jerk off in the world. GTA4 is the greatest example of the concept released thus far.

I can only hope that Rockstar Games keeps Asshole Physics in mind when designing the next installment of Grand Theft Auto. After all, they are biggest assholes of all for ruining the driving in GTA4.

Amount of objects to knock over: 6 Ease of knocking crap over: 7 Intensity that NPCs get upset with you: 10 Asshole A.I.: 9 Believability of assholeness: 9 Overall Asshole Physics Score: 41

Each category in the rating system is based out of a possible 10 score (10 being the most assholish). The overall score is based out of a possible 50 score (50 being the assholish).

– Hassan "Acetone" Mikal