For most people this list is unnecessary and stupid, but there are still many out there that seem to be confused. To help out with any possible misconceptions, here's a brief list of possible times when it is appropriate to do laundry. Friends don't let friends be stinky nerds.

  • Reaching your bed requires a John-Snow-returning-to-the-Wall Trek except instead of a blizzard it's just a giant mass of black t-shirts.
  • Your boxers have become a dual blend fabric of cotton and fart.
  • You know how weird it is when someone who has always had a beard all of a sudden shaves it off and you're like, whoa, wait a second? Well, that's how people would act about you if you ever wore a different pair of pants.
  • All of your clothes smell like a pack of cigarettes even though you don't smoke.
  • Everyone around looks pained to be in your company and you aren't a creepy, racist grandfather.
  • You often gaze lustfully at Goodwill donation boxes, imagining yourself climbing in with the same blissful abandon as McScrooge diving into his piles of money.
  • A significant number of vermin have begun nesting in your empty dresser drawers and you can't blame them.
  • Through the absorption of your natural oils, your shirt now releases a pheromone whenever you're near a Little Caesar Hot and Ready pizza.
  • You've mistakenly thought you'd lost weight when in reality your jeans have just stretched well beyond the material's natural limit.
  • You've somehow amassed a healthy amount of quarters and the nearest arcade closes early.
  • Your fashion choices have devolved into whichever shirt on your floor has the least visible deodorant residue.
  • Your shirt is more worn out than the meme printed on it.
  • Your attempt to remember alternating wearing boxers between normally and inside out has mutated into a convoluted and nearly impossible to grasp Inception level mind fuck.
  • There's a certain thrift store je ne sais quoi that defines your presence and people aren't afraid to point it out.
  • Your clothing is currently dictating your life and it's demanding you stay inside for the third straight week.
  • You've been wearing Batman pajama pants so long neighbors think you're some bohemian who just really likes the Dark Knight.
  • The lint in your bellybutton has a smell that you secretly like but you're terrified of anyone finding out.
  • You left the house wearing the same outfit you slept in and you are not six years old.
  • You've pitted doing laundry against playing Dota2, and Dota has been on a massive win streak.
  • In desperation, you've resorted to wearing shirts from ten years ago only to find out that your body has drastically changed in shape-and not in a good way.
  • Your socks sort of keep the shape of your foot for a few hours after you take them off.
  • You've had three heatstrokes since you were forced to dig into your box of winter sweaters, and all that's left now is old ski gear.
  • Like a dog marking its territory, your computer chair and sheets share the same musk as your clothes.
  • That musk immediately triggers terrible recessed memories for anyone who has attended a ComiCon or used to play D&D in middle school.
  • You've seriously considered the possibility of wearing one type of clothes as a substitute for another type of clothes, but aren't quite certain about the calculations.
  • If a standardized test had a fill in the blank question asking the student to describe your smell, the highest scoring answer would say something along the lines of: If someone were to fish some old towels out of a lake and stuff them in a bag and then someone else found that bag three weeks later and opened it and was like, "yeah, I'll wear this now."
  • Your clothing looks like an extra's costume in The Walking Dead except it's just ketchup and Oreo crumbs.
  • You've been promising to do laundry for so long it's officially categorized as vaporware.
  • Your own feet have begun to smell like someone else's.

– Ian "Salmon Season" Golding (@iggolding)

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