First video game

Two kids sat in the back of a small movie house, bored out of their minds, but reluctant to face the chill night outside. Then one of them got an idea.

"Watch this," he hissed to his friend, and hurled a peanut at the screen, nearly bouncing it right on the image of the actor's nose. His friend giggled.

"Neat," he said. "Let me try." This peanut was a dead on hit, smacking the completely unaware film character right in his flickering, black and white nostril.

"Yes!" they shouted together.

"First one to hit a nose five times wins," said the first.

The theater manager rushed in to see who was making the noise. He was about to shush them when he saw what they were doing. He watched thoughtfully as they hurled peanuts and giggled. It seemed that these young boys got far more enjoyment out of video entertainment they could also interact with. Another peanut smacked a nose. The boys cheered.

"Say...that gives me an idea," said the manager.

And that's how selling snacks in movie theaters was invented.

First black president

The first black president was Najja, a skilled hunter from a small village in a forested valley around the year 800 BC. One day, the tribe got together and voted him leader. Civil rights history was made.

First Lie

The first lie occurred when a pre-human ape-like creature (female) approached a pre-human ape-like creature (male) with which she had been coupling regularly for many months. When they had first initiated coupling, he had been spry and virile. His fur had been thick and masculine, and his hindquarters contained great amounts of strength. Now, with the old age of their short life spans catching up with him, his muscles were lax and his skin was flabby. His fur was graying and falling out in clumps. When he walked, it was with a sad limp from an injury sustained three weeks earlier.

She approached him, and the male pre-human ape-like creature rose up and slowly made the motions of sexual wooing towards her. The sight struck her as a little sad and more than a little silly, the way his belly waggled along with the tired muscles of his groin. But she enjoyed his company, and retained an inexplicable fondness for the creature he had been and the creature he had become.

So, bringing something into the world that had never been there before, she pretended to him that his dance was making him irresistible to her. She knew that he hadn't the energy to actually couple with her, but wanted him to be able to retain his pre-human ape-like ego. After she responded agreeably, he dropped back onto all fours and the two of them leaned into each other contentedly. Having never heard of lies, he believed that the female creature he was with found him just as attractive as she had when they had first made mating motions towards each other all those months ago.

This was, not coincidentally, also the first time love existed.

First first

The first first was, of course, the Big Bang. Before the Big Bang created time, the universe, such as it wasn't, was pre-consecutive. Eventually the universe will come to an end, along with time, and it will be post-consecutive. For now, time exists. More or less.

The last first, incidentally, was on July 24, 1978 when Ms. Marianne Bartrum scratched her nose in a way that had never been seen in our universe or any of the many parallel universes. After that, everything had been done.

But somewhere, lying in a forgotten government archive, is a print-out dated October 29, 1969, that gives some clue as to how to find meaning in this finite, repetitive existence.

Message from Operator 777LP to Operator 4G5XC
START MESSAGE............................................................
Hey Stan, yeah I got them. Major bazookas. First class bongos. Check this out though: 80085. Just look how the computer prints that number out. You'll love it.
........................................................END MESSAGEXX39811

– Joseph "Maxnmona" Fink

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Pardon Our Dust

    Pardon Our Dust

    Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.



    Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind

Copyright ©2023 Jeffrey "of" YOSPOS & Something Awful