Advertisers complain that this site has too much "questionable content." You guys want current events? You got 'em, mother bitches! Oops, I just remembered that advertisers also complain that there's too many profanities on this site as well. Screw it, let's get into the news that's shaping our world! Well, not my world, but somebody's world. Maybe it's yours.
This, by itself, isn't anything too amazing. However, if you read on a little bit more, your faith in mankind quickly begins to diminish and fade out like a candle being urinated upon.
Not that LoudCloud is making any money of course. It lost $49 million last half-year and is now $122 million in the red.
Sigh. Another pointless IPO from another pointless company. It just amazes me that anybody in their right mind would want to invest in a company that admits losing $49 million dollars in HALF A YEAR. That's like going to the racing track, finding a horse with a 1-482 record, and betting a few hundred grand on it.
HORSE TRAINER: Yup, here's mah horse, "Slower Than Gramma." She's a real beaut. She ain't never won a race 'cept for the time all the other horses dropped dead from that Lysol in their water supply. Her back leg's got a tendency to drag when she tries to run and she falls over and starts vomiting whenever she hears a loud noise, but other than that, she's a real contender. Ya can't really make her run well unless ya got some kind of office supply stuck up her rear, and even then it's pretty hit and miss. We tried taking her down and using her for meat to feed our dogs, which is why there's that big chunk missing from her right side, but she didn't like that. However, if you bet on her, I guarantee we might possibly win a race within the next millennium. Whattya say?
OLD RICH WHITE GUY: I'll bet fifteen hundred thousand dollars on that horse!
HORSE TRAINER: I got another horse out back that ain't run no races yet, but I got a good feeling about her. You interested in betting on her too?
OLD RICH WHITE GUY: I'll bet fifteen hundred thousand dollars on that horse!
HORSE TRAINER: (pausing) No wait, that's actually a bucket I was thinking of, not a horse.
OLD RICH WHITE GUY: I'll bet fifteen hundred thousand dollars on that bucket!
Oh man, that's too hilarious. I at least hope the rake guy got a chance to spout off a few threatening lines before being gunned down. Oh, and to stop the incoming flood of "but Lowtax, the guy was DEAF" messages, I am aware the rakemaster was deaf. This is just some wishful thinking, like when I was a kid and pretended I had a Street Machine BMX bike.
POLICE: Freeze! Drop the rake!
CRAZED GARDENER: Well well well, if it isn't the coppers! Come closer boys, TREE'S company! Muuuhahaha!
POLICE CAPTAIN: Drop your weapon and put your hands on your head!
CRAZED GARDENER: Sorry chumps, but I think I'll be LEAVING soon!
POLICE: We said drop it! Drop it now!
CRAZED GARDENER: No need to STICK around here, fellahs! You're BARKing up the wrong TREE!
POLICE: (open fires on the Crazed Gardener)
POLICE CHIEF: His ass is GRASS!
POLICE: (open fires on the Police Chief)
Yeah, that's a real tough enigma to crack. Just make a computer program that says, "YOU'RE GOING TO DIE" whenever the inputted location is an English football stadium. Problem solved, now give me a few million bucks. Speaking of football violence, it's nice to know that the Americans are beginning to catch up with the folks overseas in the category of sports-related hooliganism.
Although it's certainly not in the same league as professional sports hooliganism, it is quite an encouraging step in the right direction. Once the kids start hurling whisky bottles instead of traffic cones, we'll know that America has hit the "big leagues." Until that day, I'll be watching Raiders fans for any progress.
Jeff K., master of the... uh... well he's master of something, has started a brand new site entitled, "Jeff K.'s Hardware Block!" As far as I know, this is Jeff's first adventure into world of hardware / gaming news, and he has given me his word that he will "update teh site evary hour OR SO". Finally, a reason for everybody to stop going to those silly sites like HardOCP, Anandtech, The Register, Slashdot, and Evil Ed's (note: I know Evil Ed's website doesn't fit into this category of websites, but I was just saying you shouldn't go to his site). If you run a hardware site, make sure to send all your news a to Jeff K., who will promptly post it on "Jeff K.'s Hardware Block!" Hooray!
Cliff Yablonski still, well, just read.
From: cliff yablonski
Subject: no subjectmy hatred towards all of your kind is proven by three new pages of geeks I hate. post it.
cliff y.
I take that to mean he still hates us.
Another day, another ROM Pit review! Today Byydo (yeah, that's what he claims his name is) takes an obscenely dangerous look at Sailor Moon for the SNES.
Anyway, after the cake house you go to Ancient Rome, or at least somewhere that has carved pillars and statues and looks like Rome, except that if you look at the sky, you see earth floating in the distance. Once again, I could wonder about that, but why? It's better to grit your teeth and pretend you're playing a better game, like maybe River City Ransom. After Rome, I was ready to go back in time again and fight dinosaurs with Ayla, but guess where I ended up next? A factory. One of those big automated factories like in Terminator. Actually, it looked a lot like the factory at the end of Streets of Rage. Hmm, I wonder why. Anyway, after that I ended up in somewhere that looked like the hive from Aliens, but was just full of the same old enemies. That was the last level. I was then free to die.
Hmmm, a cartoon-based video game that is quite craptacular? What are the odds? Read the article and see!
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This Week on Something Awful...
Pardon Our Dust
Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.
DEAR FURRIES: WE WERE WRONG
Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind
Let's improve landmarks
Landmarks and statues around the world: old, boring and could use an update.
Make Horror Wholesome
Join the SA Forum photoshop goons in their quest to make horror wholesome!
Every Conceivable Way EA Could Screw Up Star Wars: Squadrons
Yes, there are finally enough games for a new round of One Sentence Reviews
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