This Startup Needs a Nerf Gun

Or, like, twenty. The Nerf Gun workplace is the central pillar of every startup tech company. To be perfectly honest, I'm shocked that we've even managed to get this far without one. Nerf Guns are as much a part of the industry as premature diabetes or an insurmountable gender gap. And here we are, a bunch of insulin deficient bros coding empty handed. That's bad news, boys.

Programmers are pretty much computer savant cats, so it's difficult to get them to talk to anyone unless they can point a gun at their head. But it's not too late to catch up. Remember how much fun you had as a kid when your sibling would shoot you directly in the eye from two feet away? Well now you can relive that moment every single day with a bunch of balding thirty years olds while you code in twelve hour shifts. Think about that for a second. Here is an opportunity to relive middle school. How could you say no?

Facebook has Nerf guns. Not trying to namedrop, but they're successful and they care about people-- or at least the data people create. So what do we have to offer? Sure, there's the furniture that looks like it was stolen from an Apple Store and sure there's always the comically large pool of investors willing to dump money into our possible future product. But that's so boring. People want to hear about the trivial distractions made to hide the grueling work. Nerf battles are pretty much nonstop bonding experiences based entirely on passive aggression while also fulfilling the small definition of fun agreed upon by the sort of people who live on nothing but energy drinks and instant mashed potatoes.

It's time this place had a Foam Revolution. Just hold this gun for a second. Touch its cheap yellow and blue plastic. Feel the rush that at any moment you could shoot a dart with the power of an arthritic grandma trying to push someone over. That's right, I just got this bad boy and the spring is already stretched out. Go ahead pull the trigger.

Okay, looks like you accidentally shot it right into the register. No worry. We got backups. In fact, soon the floors, desks, and kitchen area will be so littered with them that you won't be able to make Ramen without picking three out of your Flavor Powder. But that's what makes the Nerf gun tech startup so appealing. You never know what sort of wacky thing might happen. One minute you're trying to code and then BLAM dart in the face. Another minute you're in a conference call with the investors and then BANG suction cup to the old noodle. The next moment you're doing something else and then, well, I pretty much covered the two main things that can happen.

– Ian "Salmon Season" Golding (@iggolding)