Phrases That Will Get You Slapped In Slap City

• "Excuse me! Officer! Thank god you're here. I've just been viciously slapped by a stranger. So... there. I reported the crime. What happens now?"
• "I'll have the #4 combo. The double cheeseburger, fries, coke, and uh... what's that say in the small print? It comes with a free Slap? What's a Slap?"
• "So let me get this straight: We're going to go see Airplane! and dress up like characters from the movie. It will be just like those people who still gather to watch Rocky Horror Picture Show, but instead of acting out tons of things from the movie, we're only going to act out one scene. Which scene will it be?"
• "Why is your hand raised like you're going to give me a high five? Do I know you? What's that you're saying? Hold on, let me remove my slap-proof helmet so I can hear your response."
• "Honey, I need help with this crossword puzzle. The clue: Four letters, a form of strike that rhymes with 'snap'."
• "I am a newborn human baby. Have you ever seen The Abyss? Remember how everyone in that movie wore diving suits that were filled with goop instead of air, some kind of high tech gel that delivered all the oxygen their bodies needed? That's pretty much what my life has been like so far, only the goop is far grosser. Shit looked like someone regurgitated a stomach full of bloody raisins and ectoplasm into a mummy's mouth. Tastes even worse. Like a curdled placenta. Anyway, my tiny body is reliant on this goop. It's gotten to the point that I can't actually breathe now that I'm out here in your world. Can you do me a favor here?"
• "Uhh, no. I'm standing on the other side of the city line. You can't slap me while I'm over here, dumbass. Oh. Wait. This isn't the city line, it's the marker for the double slap zone!"
• "At last! My Lovebot is complete! No more loneliness, no more awkward attempts at love foiled by the slapping hands that I wish to hold! Wait, did I remember to set the AutoSlap switch to 'Off'?"
• "Hello."
• "Civil War reenactors? I didn't realize a battle had been fought around here. Your outfits are certainly impressive. But... where are your guns? Didn't everyone kill each other with guns and cannons and whatnot? No? Well if not, what did they fight with?"
• "Pardon me. I'm here from out of town with my kids, and I just have to ask. What's the significance of this city's name?"
• "Last words? Yeah, I prepared some of those. *AHEM* I know I've done wrong. I'm real sorry about all of it. Truly I am. I'm still a human being, though, and the state is just as wrong for killing me as I am for the crimes that I committed. This will not help anyone at all. This will not deter future criminal acts. It will only leave a stain on society and end one more life, which is precious even when petty and evil. Furthermore, I see no reason why this city replaced lethal injection with death by slapping. That's it, I guess. I'm ready."
• "Oh, I play a little bit of guitar. Nothing serious but I'd like to be in a band one day. You? Bass, really? Cool! What style do you play?"
• "You're going to have to act this out perfectly. Sorry, I'm terrible at charades. I'll guess the best that I can. Okay, two words. Second word... wrist? Watch? Bracelet? Bracelet! So it's something bracelet, right. First word... swing? Tennis?"
• "Welcome to the seminar. If you're anything like me, you're a fan of S&M. The trouble is, it costs so much. Why pay? What if I told you that I discovered a way to receive pain and MAKE money at the same time? Sounds too good to be true, right? Well it's not! Here's how this is going to work. You're all going to line up. The person at the front of the line will slap me, then I will tell them the secret. You've all paid, right? Okay, you first ma'am."

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)