Pokémon Battle Tips From A Psychopath

With the release of Pokémon Go right around the corner, there's no better time to brush up on the basics of catching, fighting with and psychologically destroying your Pokémon. Gotta imprison 'em all!

1. To show who's in control, only return every 3rd text from your Pokémon. You don't want to look desperate.

2. If your Pokémon ask for a raise, agree on a number that's fair to you both. Then, put that money in a pile, and set it on fire. This will remind them that they're your fight-slaves.

3. For tax purposes, declare your Pokémon both foster children and a home office. If the IRS audits you, hit them with "Thundershock!"

4. Amazingly, "water" type Pokémon are highly effective against "fire" type Pokémon. Just some crazy Japanese bullshit I guess?!

5. At some point, your Pokémon are going to ask you who their "real" parents are. This is the perfect time to replace these Pokémon.

6. Don't leave your Pokémon in a locked car. They will fuck with your satellite radio presets.

7. Do NOT feed your Pokémon after midnight. They'll gain weight.

8. When opening your briefcase to find your Pokémon have snuck along on your date with Renée, resist the urge to shout, "Poké-mama-mia!"

9. Give 'em cute yet inspiring nicknames like "failure" and "I wish you were never born."

10. If your Pokémon seem depressed, yell at them to "Snap out of it!" What's their problem, anyway?

11. Pokémon flavored gelato?

12. Withhold love from your Pokémon one minute, then gush over them the next. This will ensure that they grow up confused, angry and ready to fight.

13. Some Pokémon are easily offended. Resist the urge to mutter, "Guess it's someone's time of the Pokémonth."

14. Try feeding them food? Whatev, I'm no expert.

– Asterios "President Baby" Kokkinos (@asterios)