Pornstar Portfolios

Name: Gina O'Gasm

About Me:

I'm only acting in pornos to pay my way through college, where I'm studying to get my degree in Pornography Acting.

What I'm Willing To Do On Camera:

• Talk at length to the camera about the nasty things I'm going to do and explain how much I love penises
• Become completely revolted once I sense the presence of a penis within 50 yards
• Cry
• Gag
• Generally look uncomfortable and disgusted

What I Won't Do :

• Rethink my career choice
• Get inside one of those pumpkin-shooting catapults and be launched across a football field (that's my phobia)

Name: Candy Lixx

About Me:

I can follow slow moving objects with my eyes for short periods of time and my name is Candy.

What I'm Willing To Do On Camera:

• Sexual intercourse
• Double penetration
• Triple penetration
• Double anal + double vaginal + double ear canal
• Double robot
• Masturbate while three or more robots watch
• Eat anything that comes out of my body or anyone else's
• Have semen that's been superheated in a microwave thrown on my face
• Fondle inanimate objects
• Fondle inanimate objects that have been given life by some sort of magic
• Make a circle with my left thumb and index finger, then slide my right index finger into and out of that hole
• Be choked to death or be thrown off of a roof to death

What I Won't Do:

• Remove my crucifix necklace

Name: Dirk Hardly

About Me:

I'm not your average dumbass male pornstar, I'm really cool and ironic and I have sex with women in front of a camera.

What I'm Willing To Do On Camera:

• Constantly talk
• Make jarringly stupid jokes
• Ask my female counterpart asinine questions in a very creepy tone for twenty minutes before letting her disrobe, like:
  "Hey um, so are you naughty? Yeah I bet you are. MMMMMM."
  "What do you like to suck? Wow, really? Hey, say that again."
  "So why are you here today?"
  "Did I ask if you're naughty already?"
• Carry on a conversation with the cameraman mid-coitus so he can share his insightful comments and wave his hairy hands in front of the camera
• Insert my face into nearly every shot and grin at the viewer, give a thumbs up, or make a stupid face
• Give a play-by-play of my orgasm that goes into so much detail Stephen King would tell me to ease up on the verbosity

What I Won't Do:

• Shut the fuck up. Ever.

Name: Samantha Juggs

About Me:

I have a cycloptic knowledge of everything about the best television show ever, The War At Home.

What I'm Willing To Do On Camera:

• Assemble a bicycle using my vagina
• Assemble a ship in a bottle using my tongue
• Drive a bulldozer with my anus (using uvula to shift)
• Free myself from a pair of handcuffs with my clitoris
• Paint complex landscapes with my breasts, using my opposable nipples to grip the brush and palette
• Assemble and paint a model airplane (just with my hands)
• Climb a gym rope in under 10 seconds using only my labia

What I Won't Do:

• Flip through a phone book
• Fold pizza boxes
• Make paper airplanes
• Anything else that could potentially involve papercuts

Name: Traci Humps

About Me:

i don't even know if i should say this but fuck it, i do a lot of drugs sometimes every day because im young and you have to live life and this is fuckin california ya know mostly cocaine and some meth i guess shit man

What I'm Willing To Do On Camera:

• what i would sooo do is remember that music video from the eighties by ah-ha where there's this
• guy and this girl but the guy is in a comic book? that. just go for it and do that with everything around
• me being drawn because i really think if we opened our minds more we'd realize thats possible. i think the
• guy had a motorcycle helmet on at some point but i dont have one so that would have to be provided

What I Won't Do:

• i would never bring my own camera and point it at the one that's filming because if
• the angle was just right they'd mirror into infinity or some crazy shit and then who knows
• what would happen to the universe

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)