SomethingAwful's Voting Guide: The Republicans

Two weeks ago, I worked off some of my community service hours by making fun of Democrats. Now it's time for me to consider the Republicans. If you want the short version, they're a bunch of unattractive white men who all agree on pretty much every issue, and also Ron Paul's a nutcase. Here's the long version:

John McCain

Stats:

Current job: Senator/The grumpy grandpa you're embarrassed to have your friends around

Tongue length: 2"

Things that are older than him: God, the Earth (unconfirmed), possibly Madonna now.

Reasons to vote for John McCain:

• If Fred Thompson is "the cute one" and Ron Paul is "the smart one", then John McCain is the one who uses the word gook and makes jokes about the IEDs currently being used against American troops in Iraq.
• He has resisted any advancement by those looking to buy his support, even refusing to endorse the Hilton Corporation despite a lengthy complimentary stay he received in one of their hotels.
• He has promised to keep America safe through his personal collection of lucky charms, including his lucky compass, his lucky feather, his lucky penny, his lucky rock, his lucky dentures, his lucky copy of "Who Moved My Cheese", and his lucky bit of lint that he found stuck to his shirt this morning. No, really.
• He once rode a giant dog through my house and everywhere he pointed a tree grew. Or maybe that was a dream I had.

Rudy Giuliani

Stats:

Current job: Former-mayor/Mr. September 11th.

Favorite tie color: Red

How "rock-n-roll" is he on a scale of 1-10: 2

Reasons to vote for Rudy Giuliani:

• He strongly supports the right to he happened to be mayor during September 11th.
  
• Were you aware, by any chance, that he 9/11?
  
• He was directly responsible for the death of over 5,000 American citizens when he collaborated with the CIA and the Jews in the planned demolition of the Twin Towers.
• He got his picture taken a lot while standing next to the site of the worst Jewish attack on U.S. soil since Pearl Harbor.
• Jews are behind all wars, taxes, and that lousy vanilla sheet cake that no one likes but everyone buys for birthday parties. Take off your mental yarmulke and see the truth! And also vote "Rude" Rudy Giuliani.

Fred Thompson

Stats:

Current job: Actor/That guy from Law & Order who’s running for president.

Biggest fear: Waking up one day very small and having to fight for his life against ants

His nose is: Really big.

Reasons to vote for Fred Thompson:

• His wife is over twenty years younger than him, so he definitely knows how to appeal to the youth demographic. Also, she’s pretty hot, so he knows how to appeal to the hot chick demographic.
• He appeared in one episode of Sex and the City as “Politician on TV”. I think this record of political involvement speaks for itself.
• He has been the target of protest from Muslim groups claiming that his chest hair resembles a sacrilegious depiction of the Prophet Mohammed. He responded by allowing two respected Imams to wax his chest live on Al-Jazeera.