SomethingAwful's Voting Guide: The Republicans

Mitt Romney

Stats:

Current job: Unemployed/The Mormon guy

Favorite Beatle: George

What kind of name is Mitt: It’s a pretty funny name.

Reasons to vote for Mitt Romney:

• He has shown himself to be flexible and thoughtful on the issues by reversing his long-held stances on abortion and gay rights the moment he entered the presidential race.
• He responded to South Park’s satirical take on the Mormon religion by driving by co-creator Matt Stone’s house at three in the morning and honking his horn a bunch of times.
• He has been a long-standing supporter of using U.S. made products, most recently by publicly declaring that the American Office is better than the UK Office, and that Steve Carell is way funnier than that fat British guy, what’s-his-name.

Ron Paul

Stats:

Current job: Congressman/Ross Perot 2: Why Do These Guys Always Have Big Ears?

Cows have: 4 stomachs

Number of Google results for "'Ron Paul' 'fucking lunatic'": 327

Reasons to vote for Ron Paul:

• He is so committed to a gold standard for currency that he compulsively salivates and becomes painfully erect in the presence of gold.
• He has never voted for any bill that spends taxpayer money, that asks taxpayers for money, that contains the word "money", or that contains any combination of the letters "m" "o" "n" "e" or "y".
• He uncontrollably throws up at the sight of the government spending money and has certainly never lived off a monthly check paid by the taxpayers.
• He is so committed to American sovereignty that he has twice sponsored a bill requiring all school-children be taught about Freddy the Free-trade Dragon, a friendly dragon that patrols U.S. borders and eats anyone who attempts to leave or enter the country, and also anyone who joins international diplomacy organizations, and also anyone who can spell the name of any country that needs more letters than U, S, and A.
• Close your eyes and picture that crazy home-schooled kid who lived next door and your mom made you invite him to your birthday party and he started crying when your mom put on Power Rangers because he didn't want God to hate him for being near the devil's box. Now picture that kid's dad. Now imagine that kid's dad had like a billion YouTube videos about him. Ok, now that you're already thinking about Ron Paul, you might as well vote for him.

– Joseph "Maxnmona" Fink