The Robotic Future of the Military

Arlogeist GmBH is the premier developer of military grade robotics technology. We own the patents on almost fifty different types of those little robotic arms with the rubber grips on the front. We've got a robot assembly line that is run by robots, has a robot foreman with a robot secretary that he's cheating on his robot wife with and the whole factory is located inside a giant moving robot. We are the masters of robotics. That's not just boasting either, our legion of robots declared us masters of robotics and bought us mugs that say as much on them. You can imagine my surprise when I read in the Sunday Herald that some shitty operation in Glasgow was primed to sell the military millions of dollars worth of advanced kill droid technology.

Robot soldiers manufactured to kill enemy troops have been designed for the Pentagon by a tiny Glasgow computer company which is set to make millions from the deal.

Essential Viewing says the technology comes straight from the world of science fiction. Chief executive Simon Hardy said the technology had its nearest equivalent in the Star Wars movie Attack Of The Clones.

Wait a second, I saw "Attack of The Clones" and the robots in that did not have to be remote con-fucking-trolled like the robots these jerks are making do. I've got some news for you Scotland, the only thing you've ever produced that will be seen on a battlefield are Scottish corpses when you fuck with America one time too many. America doesn't need your fancy RC cars with machineguns, they've got Arlogeist GmBH's latest advances in automated robotic weaponry.

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, anyone non-Scottish, I would like to introduce you to the biggest leap forward in military robotics since the Jumpotronic 7500. It is my pleasure to proudly present to you the MLSTN8R-433, also known as the "Molestinator".

Click the image for a huge version of the picture.

The Molestinator isn't just suave demeanor and good looks; it is packed with features from top to bottom and includes the latest advances in "solid state" hardware. The Molestinator was once a civilian robot featured in a variety of international robotics competitions. When the Department of Defense approached us to develop a military version we were all too happy to engineer a new model of the Molestinator using almost twice as many tubes of model cement.

The main chassis of the MLSTN8R-433 is constructed of a durable and lightweight polymer compound we refer to as "wood" and reinforced with a natural resin created by wasps that flew inside the body while we were building it. These wasps also serve as a secondary backup for the Molestinator's logic circuits, making him a dangerous customer capable of continuing even after suffering severe damage. Speaking of logic circuits, the Molestinator's primary processors consist of three chewed pieces of Cinnaburst gum which we dropped into a pit of "artificial intelligence" or "gravel" depending on if you want to get technical or not. The flavor crystals contained in the central processor are capable of acting together like a "taste cluster" to provide much more logic than at least a lightbulb and maybe Christmas Lights.

One of the most amazing features of the Molestinator is his "Gauss Hair". Mounted on the MLSTN8R-433's head unit, the Gauss Hair allows the Molestinator to "sense things" as far away as "10" feet. The Gauss Hair is highly resistant to water and shampoo and can survive intact without maintenance on the battlefield for up to three minutes. Someone mentioned using the Gauss Hair for Global Positioning but I don't think they got that crap working yet. I'll get back to you on it.

Those dumbasses in Scotland think they have a pretty good idea sticking a camera on a bucket and calling it a robot, but the MLSTN8R-433 features a bleeding edge sensor suite to provide full tactical awareness on any battlefield. The Gauss Hair is a secondary system; the Molestinator's primary sensor system is its Macro-Optical "Digital" Glasses. These glasses are made from heat resistant glass and the lenses are linked by a fully articulated nylon strap. In theory these should allow the Molestinator to see some stuff, but you know we're not sure because, like, we're not robots man.

One of the key offensive features of the Molestinator is its Flapping Jaw (Mark III). Outfitted with a range of motion that includes open, closed, and agape, this jaw is linked to an advanced system of pipes and tubing called "the neck". Somehow, and we're still working on how, this allows the Molestinator to talk. Compared to you or me the Molestinator does not have a very diverse vocabulary, but it makes up for its lack of an internal thesaurus by talking a lot and talking really loud. The Molestinator's favorite word is "HONK!" and it usually inserts this word at the beginning, end, and throughout most of the middle of its sentences. Other than "HONK!" the Molestinator prefers to limit itself to anachronistic innuendo and ribald jokes like "Nice cans toots HONK!", "How's it going HONK legs?!", or "HONK, never met a HONK pair of HONK rutabagas I HONK didn't like!"

The main punch packed by the Molestinator consists of its wooden alloy Heavy Sexual Assault Arm coupled with its comically oversized Groping Hand. We have constructed the Heavy Sexual Assault Arm out of a slightly more expensive version of wood than the main chassis. This allows for the Molestinator to quickly swing its arm at an intended target with less likelihood that this action will cause the arm to smash apart, overturn the Molestinator, or cause the Molestinator to catch fire. There is still a good chance the Molestinator will catch fire while doing this, but it's no higher than when the Molestinator is sitting motionless. The Molestinator's Groping Hand is a four-fingered cotton glove custom made by a cotton glove factory in China that had an accident with their machines and made ten million gloves with only four fingers. We have filled this glove with a myomer that has an advanced technological name like "hay" or "straw" or something.

The Molestinator comes packed with passive protection features so that it's not defenseless on the battlefield like Haggisbot. The first level of protection comes from the Molestinator's All Weather Paint covering most of its body other than the spots we might have missed. This paint is good for almost three years of exterior use and can hold up in the heaviest rain, although we have found it makes the Molestinator slightly more likely than usual to spontaneously catch fire. The Molestinator also comes equipped with a Reactive Rotating Bow Tie. When the Molestinator becomes excited - which is almost always - the bow tie begins rapidly spinning. This rotating usually serves to frighten away squirrels or birds that were trying to nest inside the Molestinator and may also work on enemy tanks. Come to think of it, I'm not really sure why his bow tie spins like that. The damn thing is glued to his chest.

Primary locomotion is provided by the Molestinator's internal Gravity Drive. This system is so advanced that it is impossible to shut it down, although it has the disadvantage that it prevents the Molestinator from ever going up an incline. Secondary locomotion comes from the Molestinator's backup Wind Drive, which can function simultaneously with the Gravity Drive and in rare instances like hurricanes or tornadoes, allow the Molestinator to fly. Tertiary propulsion from the Molestinator stems from a complex series of jerks and shakes we in the lab like to call Random Vibration. The Molestinator tends to shake and jerk around a lot and sometimes it will do enough of this to flop forward a few inches while honking.

All of these features add up to one goddamn impressive war robot, but we've saved the best part for last. The Molestinator's price is only 75 US dollars. That means for the price of a single Hummer the United States Army could buy over 800 Molestinators. Hell, at that price they might as well just stack them up and make a robotic house. A robotic house that gropes you!

Arlogeist CEO Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka recently sat down with Dr. Clark Borden from New Christian Scientific American to discuss the development of the Molestinator. I would love to reprint the interview in its entirety, but Rich blathered on about the MLSTN8R-433 for something like twenty five pages. We're not as hard up as New Christian Scientific American for content so I'll just present you with a little excerpt from that incredible interview.

Dr. Borden: What aspect of the Molestinator's design are you most proud of?

Kyanka: I think the engineering team did a real bang up job of attaching the circuit board to the inside of his neck cavity by using scotch tape and chewing gum. They learned to do a lot with a little, and really taught some of the NASA pencil-necks that you don't necessarily need millions of dollars to create something which inadvertently explodes.

Dr. Borden: What sort of logic circuits or artificial intelligence does the Molestinator use to assess threats?

Kyanka: All of them.

Dr. Borden: What improvements to the Molestinator would you like to add in future models?

Kyanka: Well, we recently upgraded him so he has the ability to move backwards (assuming he's trying to move forward), and to move forward (assuming he's still trying to move forward), so one day we'd like to figure out how to make him veer to either the left or right, or both if that's somehow possible. Can robots move to both the left and right? I don't know what kind of technology everybody uses these days, but when we laid down the schematics for the Molestinator, my engineers assured me that couldn't be done. Then they ate the schematics.

Dr. Borden: The Molestinator has a much lower price point than competing military robots. How did you manage to pack it with features yet keep costs so low?

Kyanka: We took out the unnecessary "bells and whistles" that the other robot manufacturers put in simply to create a long feature set list and impress the ignorant customers out there who think "more" inherently means "better." For example, instead of running on harmful man-made batteries, the Molestinator runs on nature's fuel; wind. Just put him out in a windy battlefield and he'll be zig-zagging all over the place, although only in whatever direction the wind is blowing. Also we took out all the fancy armaments and instead equipped him with his one groping arm with non-matching comical cartoon glove. That alone saved at least 20, maybe 30 bucks.

We've spent a lot of time talking about the Molestinator and its features, but most of you army types are pretty practical and care more about results than technical jargon. To assisting you in understanding the role of the Molestinator in your force composition we've put together a little demonstration of how the MLSTN8R-433 can work for you.

Phase One: Deployment

The first step to using the Molestinator is to get it onto the battlefield. We recommend buying at least 1,000 of them per square kilometer you hope to attack. The Molestinator is a durable battle robot but it will not survive long when under direct fire. Actually, it tends to explode or catch on fire when bullets pass within 100 yards. Also, the Molestinator may explode or catch on fire when bullets aren't even being fired like, for instance, at an armistice signing. Tip number one is to never deploy Molestinators anywhere near an armistice signing.

You've got a plane loaded with fire retardant crates full of Molestinators (not included with purchase) and you even attached parachutes to some of the crates. That's great; now what you're going to want to do is drop all the crates on the ground. We haven't really thought about how that works but the Molestinator's Gravity Drive should handle most of it for you.

Phase Two: Target Acquisition

Once the crates hit the ground they will hopefully break open and spill the Molestinator right side up. Sometimes Molestinators can turn themselves over if they fall but this is rare and usually relies on a gullible passerby who assists the Molestinator when it starts screaming "help" and crying. You can expect to lose 70% of your Molestinators during insertion, but at 75 bucks a pop no one's going to be crying as long as you get results.

The Molestinator will begin the target acquisition procedure by rolling around in an ever widening circle and screaming "HONNNNNK! I'm borrrrrrred!" over and over. If enemy troops are nearby this will probably get their attention, which is exactly what the cunning Molestinator wants. When it spots a target it will begin to vibrate and roll around until fate carries it close to the enemy.

Phase Three: Target Engagement

The Molestinator will generally work best engaging targets that are asleep, in a coma, or trapped beneath an overturned car. However, the Molestinator is an advanced weapons system that is capable of handling any threat if there is a sufficient number of Molestinators in the field. The enemy will likely spot a Molestinator as it has a distinct shape, coloration, and high-pitched screech. The Molestinator will hopefully be aware of the enemy and have time to prepare its defensive measures while it closes the distance between itself and the target.

Phase Four: Molestinator Defensive Maneuvers

When coming under enemy fire the Molestinator has a complex subroutine of evasive maneuvers it can take based on the amount of incoming fire, the strength of the weapons being used, and the direction of the wind. Okay, mostly the direction of the wind. Alright, just the direction of the wind.

Chances are that the enemy will destroy the Molestinator with a direct hit. Indirect hits are also very likely to cause the Molestinator to explode. If the enemy suffers a jammed weapon before firing a shot he can rest assured that there is a good chance the Molestinator will explode.

Phase Five: Offensive Action

While the enemy is engaging the Molestinators on the battlefield other Molestinators will continue to sort of move in the enemy's general direction. If an enemy target comes within reach of the Molestinator it will immediately deploy its Heavy Sexual Assault Arm and Groping Hand in a disturbing one-two punch. The Groping Hand will explore every nook and cranny of an enemy soldier, paying particular attention to his or her groin, backside, and chest. This is a demoralizing and sickening experience for the enemy and they will likely freeze in horror at the first touch of the Molestinator's straw filled glove.

Phase Six: Massed Sexual Assault

Like zombies only a lot slower other Molestinators will be attracted to the excited honking of the attacking Molestinator and surround the enemy until he or she capitulates. Sometimes a Molestinator might become so excited that it begins to grope other Molestinators. This is actually even more dangerous for the enemy then being groped by the Molestinator. When they start groping each other the odds that friction will create a spark that ignites the All Weather Paint covering the Molestinator's exterior increase exponentially.

Once the enemy surrenders the Molestinator will keep groping them until it explodes, catches on fire, shuts down mysteriously or your infantry moves in to take prisoners. Before taking prisoners it is recommended that your infantry turn the Molestinators off. This is accomplished by hitting them repeatedly with a hammer or pushing them onto their side. If you would prefer not to risk friendly fire you can always just wait for all of them to explode.

Thank you for attending this special presentation of the MLSTN8R-433 "Molestinator" from Arlogeist's Scientolographic Weapons Division. The Molestinator will be available on the military market in late 2003 and will have a retail price of 75 dollars for the basic version and 76 dollars for the version with Turbo Gauss Hair enhancement.

Remember to buy American. Buy the Molestinator!

Time For Some Magical Shotguns

Hey fools, Taylor "Yoga Flame" Bell here with a review of a game demo that just might change your life, assuming your life revolves around crappy software like mine does. This week's wonder is known as Infiltration, and it's the worst thing to happen to the FPS genre since Thundra.

Five seconds with the engine will demonstrate just how hard performing infiltration in this game will be, since your character moves around as gracefully and noiselessly as a pregnant tap-dancing ballerina with bricks strapped to her feet. This will cause you to instantly turn your speaker volume down to zero, since playing this game without sound is a lot better than having your ears constantly assaulted by “CLOMP CLOMP BANG SLAM CLOMP” at a decibel level usually reserved for commercial airliners and an obnoxiousness level usually reserved for Insane Clown Posse fans.

Read the review or my fist just might infiltrate your face.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)