If you've never been able to keep a hamster for more than a few months, maybe apartment living was a bad idea in the first place. Now your place is trashed and your landlord is on the way. But even if you deserve to lose every cent of your deposit, don't give up! With these easy tips and a few simple household goods, a gallon of gasoline and the hologram projector used to resurrect Tupac, you'll be a few hundred dollars richer!

1. The classic toothpaste trick always works. Dab a little white paste to fill any nail hole right up. Got a bigger hole? One you kicked in during a drunken rage or maybe remnants of the raccoons tunneling through your foundation? No problem. Use more toothpaste!

2. Whether you regret shooting bottle rockets in your kitchen or not, those scorch marks on the ceiling have to go. To replace the beautiful spackling, open one tub of Cottage Cheese (low fat O.K.) and smear over the burnt/stained areas. Apply liberally, wear goggles. Once stain is covered with dairy, aim one or more space heaters until ceiling is crusted over. Reapply Cottage Cheese as needed until desired texture is reached. If yellowing begins spray paint minutes before walkthrough. Eat all remaining Cottage Cheese with cracked pepper.

3. If your place smells like the dish tank at a Red Lobster, you aren't getting your money back. The trick is to neutralize all smells. Here are some of the most common solutions!
-If you're a smoker, ten to fifteen uncapped permanent markers per room (depending on size) should re-odorize the air. Replace markers once twice a day as they dry out.
-Pouring a half cup of gasoline wherever your puppy urinates, vomits, and sleeps will help stop the dog's smells from absorbing into the carpet.
-Heavy human musks (and any side smells related to repairing your ceiling) should be countered with pasta. Every burner on your stove should be boiling noodles or warming marinara. By the time dinner is ready, no one will ever know your lax showering habits.
-Any cat issues should be countered with a puppy then immediately followed up with the standard gasoline strategy.

4. Spilled drinks, dropped chainsaws, that dead deer that rotted in your foyer for a week before you had a chance to properly dress it. Your hardwood floors have taken a lot of damage over the last twelve months. You could replace them, fix them, maybe drag a broom or something. But that's so old fashioned and a waste of time. Using the same technology that resurrected Tupac and helped Princess Leia get the help she needed, you can now have the floors you've always wanted. Simply align the ultra-sensitive three lens projector, hook up industrial level battery systems for each projector, and install woodflor.jpg. Once that's finished, aim the projectors over the worst spots in the floor and enjoy..

Congratulations! Your place is now clean enough to trick your landlord out of a few hundred dollars. May God have mercy on the tenants after you.

– Ian "Salmon Season" Golding (@iggolding)

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