The Seven Stages of Moving

1: Deciding to Move

Oh, you idiot. Don't do this. It's the worst idea anyone has ever had. Have you forgotten what an ordeal it was the last time you moved?

Well, the notion is in your head now, so I suppose there's no turning back. You really screwed this one up.

2: Finding a New Home

Ideally your new place will be nicer than where you live now, but within your budget. Somewhere around zero dollars per month.

First you need to decide what you're looking for.

Your life for the next week.An apartment combines the convenience of being surrounded by dead-eyed cretins with the luxury of pervasive existential dread. You will have at least two neighbors who work from home in evenings, eager workaholics in the industry of stomping around aimlessly and dropping armfuls of pots and pans. Meanwhile, you will be so self-conscious of the sound you produce that you will constantly lean forward and tilt your head to hear your tv.

A house is even better. You'll have your own yard, a perfect place to relax and succumb to the bite of a poisonous snake. If the house is vintage, its framing will be made of carefully balanced crackers and it will not be fitted for modern conveniences like high speed internet, air conditioning, water, power, or leveled floors. If it's a newer house, you'll be able to rest easy knowing that every shortcut was taken to ensure that everything within it appears to be real.

Keep in mind that your home's location has an impact on price. The total cost will go up by around 20% with every block you move towards the nearest hub of civilization with modern amenities such as paved roads.

3: Packing

Where did all of this junk come from? Didn't you throw that blanket out years ago? How do you keep finding new pictures of yourself from that three month stretch where you were chubby and perpetually making the worst possible face? Is it even possible for one person to own this many hangars?

This was a terrible idea.

4: Moving Day

THIS WILL NEVER END.

There is no right way to lift that thing. No right way to angle it through a doorway without losing one of its legs or three of your fingers. If you do manage to pick it up and get it outside, a drawer you didn't even know existed will slide open and barf a million thumbtacks everywhere.

It's not the physical labor. It's the mental exhaustion that sets in when you want to focus on the physical labor but find yourself having to pause and make decisions every few minutes. Are you sure you want to take that thing? If not, should you throw it out or donate it? How will this fit into the moving truck Tetris puzzle? Should you wrap some gauze around that eye injury or just let the swirling cloud of inexplicable dust staunch the seeping wound?

Also, it is the physical labor. You thought you were fairly tough but before today your greatest feat was quickly slapping the NES Track & Field pad with your hands to cheat.

5: Unpacking

Where is that thing you actually need right this second? How do you have more sheets and blankets than when you started, and why are they all covered in sand?

6: The First Night

This place is weird. There are, like, boxes all over. When you wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, the route is different than it was in your last place. You have to turn left instead of right? The architect had to have been M.C. Escher.

7: The Rest of Your Idiot Life

It's been a few days. Things are slowly getting back to normal. This is actually starting to feel a bit like home. Now that the move is behind you, you're certain that it was fairly easy and not at all as painful as you thought at the time. In fact, you know that the next time around you'll be better equipped and it will go much smoother.

You miserable shithead.

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)