SkyMall Product Reviews: X5 HairLaser

This article is part of the SkyMall Product Reviews series.

Just a quick reminder: Zack Parsons, Something Awful mainstay, author of numerous creepy dystopian yarns and legendary Dominos Pizza fanatic, has created a mind-bending, genre-spanning sci-fi epic that's currently wowing the shit out of eyeballs everywhere.

It's called Liminal States and it's available for ordering and reading right now. Quit being a dummy and go secure your own copy.

We now return you to your irregularly scheduled update.

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Customer Review:
By Dan from Boulder, CO

The X5 fixes most of the stability problems of the X4 and is sufficiently less prone to meltdown and gamma-ray blowouts. Gone are the nausea and other debilitating side effects. Prospective parents using the X5 needn't fear siring children with extreme abnormalities. With the fixes and upgrades to the X5, the so-called X4 children will be the last of their kind, thankfully.

Age: 26-30

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Customer Review:
By SantorumVoter from Columbia, SC

We bought this to use on our hairless dog, but were shocked to discover the laser was baconizing his skin. The dog loves licking his new flavored flesh, and so do we. We're very afraid he'll start to gnaw it off, though. The smell is mouth watering and intoxicating. Not the desired effect at all.

Age: 36-40

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Customer Review:
By Husky Gentleman

One word review: temperamental.

Purchased the X5 with full faith that it would restore my hair, which was taken from me by parties who will not be named here but nonetheless know who they are. Thus far the X5 has failed to regenerate even a few hairs. I don't know if this is related at all or just a coincidence, but I also find myself regressing to what feels like, and what my doctors describe as, a larval state.

Age: 46-50

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Customer Review:
By maritimedad from Anacortes, WA

DO NOT ATTEMPT TO OVERCLOCK THE X5. HAIR COVERAGE APPROACHING CRITICAL MASS. CANNOT KEEP UP WITH ACCELERATED GROWTH. SCIENTIFICALLY INDUCED LYCANTHROPY ACHIEVED AT TREMENDOUS PERSONAL COST.

Age: 31-35

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Customer Review:
By Greg P from San Jose, CA

I've always been a fan of scientific solutions to health issues. Lasers = more hair. Crystals = more wealth. Polished stones = longer lasting erections. It's good science, and the X5 delivers in spades. I have been bombarding all my hairless areas day and night, and I'm starting to see some strong returns. I've rigged up an amplification system to project the laser outward, focusing it on a large mirror and then directing that mirror at my naked body, suspended via harness from the oak tree in my backyard. The new me is just around the corner.

Age: 41-45

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Customer Review:
By Maurice

I am curious how loud this product is, and can you feel it when the lasers are directed at you? I would love to use this on my girlfriend while she sleeps to give her a thin moustache. Like most men, I believe women are more attractive with a thin sliver of hair equidistant between the bottom of the nose and the top of the lips. I must do this discreetly, obviously.

Age: 31-35

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Customer Review:
By Janice from Dover, DE

NOT A TOY!!!!!!

My 8-year-old boy found our X5 and has been using it on himself and his friends. Needless to say I've got a lot of angry parents calling up to ask why their sons and daughters have full, luxurious beards. I can't figure out why the makers of the X5 chose not to include a child lock on what is obviously an irresistible beacon for children.

Age: 31-35

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Customer Review:
By hongkong-laser-imports from Fort Wayne, IN

Used an X5 knockoff for a while that seemingly produced zero results. Found out later it was causing internal hair growth. Several expensive surgeries later and they were able to remove most of the hair from my vital organs. Urethral and rectal stubble is not pleasant. Do not settle for substitutes in this matter.

Age: 51-55

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Customer Review:
By Aviator Matt

Received an angry visit from the NTSB after I pointed my X5 at some airplanes getting ready to land at the nearby airport. Apparently I was responsible for the crash that killed 280 souls. If I knew what kind of power I held in my hand, I would never have used it so carelessly. I am going to prison now, so I must wrap up this product review. This is too powerful to be a consumer model. Maybe a prosumer model, but definitely not a consumer model. You hold life and death in your hands.

Age: 26-30

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Customer Review:
By dieseljeff from Mountain View, CA

Is there a way to reverse the polarity of the laser to induce hair loss? Need to make myself look exactly like Vin Diesel to win bet with guy in yahoo pool chatroom ASAP.

Age: 26-30

– Josh "Livestock" Boruff (@Livestock)