Some Soldiers Saved!

I am overwhelmed - nay, shocked and awed - by the incredible response our armor donation drive has received in the past week. UPDATE: The donation drive is completed with a total of$20,787.37. The vast majority of these donations came from the United States, but we received a large number of contributions from people in the UK, Ireland, and even Germany and Denmark. For some reason no French people read Something Awful, I can't figure that one out, but I'm sure if they did they would have donated as well.

Just as important as raising money for the brave men and women in GreenMeat's unit was finding distributors willing to work with us and provide armor plates for them. With that in mind, I am equally pleased to say that a reader named Jeff who works for Reliance Armor Systems contacted us and is providing 40 Class IV armor plates at a significant discount. If everything goes as planned these protective inserts will arrive with GreenMeat and his platoon in scenic Hawaii well before they have to ship out! I asked GreenMeat to provide us with a picture of his Platoon and he gladly supplied me with this photo of most of the unit posing outside a practice course.

Click the picture for a bigger version

In case you're wondering, GreenMeat is the guy in the back on the left, sort of poking his head up from behind the other soldiers like he wants to use them as his trauma plates. Hopefully the good Staff Sergeant will provide us with more photos once the plates arrive and keep us updated from Iraq as best he can.

In addition to the 20 people in GreenMeat's platoon we have also allocated most of the additional money towards purchasing 22 more armor plates for an 11 man Human Intelligence squad that has been attached to the platoon on short notice. This was done at GreenMeat's request and it looks as though our supplier will be able to ship out the remaining plates soon after the first batch. This could not have been possible without the generous contributions of each and every one of you.

We have stopped accepting donations, but will provide an address in Iraq when it becomes available so that those of you who have donated or are just interested can send your support personally!

In the midst of trying to help all these people I realized that the only person I really know is GreenMeat, so for myself and for our readers I asked him a little bit about the members of his platoon. GreenMeat said it was confidential and started acting all high and mighty, leaving it to me to research what I could about his platoon. Going entirely on the photograph he provided I have assembled information on everyone pictured. It is guaranteed to be almost three percent accurate.

25th Infantry Division, Something Something, Some Number Platoon
Platoon Nickname: Team Racecar
Role: Military Intelligence
Secondary Role: Film Trivia
Tertiary Role: Helicopter Antics

O'Connor, Luke
Rank: Private First Class
Blood Type: A
Codename: Hermione
Expertise: Latrine Duty
Biography: Luke comes from a long line of soldiers. When he heard that war was brewing Luke immediately left his family farm in Iowa to join the Army. At only 15 he faked his age and enlisted, and while he has passed all of his tests with flying colors he is still picked on by the other squad members. Because of his low rank on the totem pole he frequently gets stuck with unsavory tasks like latrine duty and peeling comically oversized heaps of potatoes. Never content to let an opportunity pass him by, the ambitious O'Connor has honed his latrine duty skills to a sharp killing blade and can now overcome a standard latrine simply by looking in its general direction.
Likes: Pokemon, Rugrats, and Candy
Dislikes: Long Car Trips, Latrines, and Potatoes

Washington, Michael
Rank: Corporal
Blood Type: AB
Codename: Black Magic
Expertise: Black Ops
Biography: Hailing from Atlanta, Michael Washington had the best scores in the state on the ASVAB test and an uncanny ability to decrypt coded messages. Originally intended for a job with the secret Army "Shadow Squadron", Washington's deployment papers somehow routed him to the 25th Infantry Division on accident. When he realized he was the only black man in his platoon he knew he had to make a decision fast; be the token black guy or make a name for himself. Washington acted quickly, displaying an amazing degree of aptitude at infiltrating enemy strongholds and taking out high-value targets from a distance with improvised weapons. Unfortunately, he was assigned to Black Ops, and given the codename Black Magic, but in his role as the platoon's token black guy he has become the best token black guy in the history of the US Armed Forces.
Likes: Haiku Poetry, Martial Arts, and Fencing
Dislikes: His Codename, GreenMeat, and The Stupid Asshole That Got Him Assigned To This Whitebread Outfit

Harrison, James
Rank: Private First Class
Blood Type: USA
Codename: The Patriot
Expertise: Protecting the Homeland
Biography: James Harrison is the living embodiment of the patriotic American ideal. He volunteered for his local bomb defusing unit at the age of 10, had mastered over 500 different types of firearms by the age of 15, and had written a book of poems about America entitled "My USA" by 17. When he finished high school as the star quarterback of his Missouri football team it seemed certain that he would go on to a full scholarship to the college of his choice. Instead, Harrison enlisted in the Army, and declared that he was honored to put the defense of his country ahead of himself. Harrison subsists entirely on a diet of apple pie, spends all of his free time doing chin ups while listening to "Born in the USA" without a hint of irony, and has said of the Save Some Soldiers fundraiser: "I appreciate what they're doing but I don't need any body armor. My chest can stop a .50 caliber bullet and I can shoot it back out at a commie with my mouth."
Likes: Apple Pie, Freedom, and American Flags
Dislikes: Commies, Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream, and Terrorists

Von Eisen, Klaus
Rank: Private First Class
Blood Type: Blue
Codename: The Hun
Expertise: Prussian Genealogy
Biography: Born in Austria and raised in Germany, Klaus has grown up with a great appreciation for his ancestry and its proud military legacy. His father fought for Soviet Russia in Afghanistan, his grandfather was an officer in the Waffen SS, and his great grandfather died in the trenches of Verdun. Klaus will be all too happy to explain how his military heritage dates back over 500 years throughout his family tree. Dismayed that it seemed he might pass his prime without a war under his belt, Klaus moved to the United States in the hopes of participating in the invasion of Afghanistan. Unfortunately, he did not get to walk in his father's footsteps, but the upcoming deployment of his unit to Iraq has made him as happy as an Aryan clam.
Likes: Volkswagens, Lager, and Living Space
Dislikes: Poland, Unions, and Russian Winters

Giovanni, Antonio
Rank: Corporal
Blood Type: EVOO
Codename: The Medallion Stallion
Expertise: Disappearin' Mooks
Biography: Antonio is required by court order to not divulge anything about his past prior to enlisting. Whatever he did before joined up he has great skill with a .45 automatic and knows how to kill a man with a plastic bag or fishing line. He also has poor uniform discipline and had his dog tags made into a gigantic gold medallion. Whatever you do, don't get on his bad side, as Antonio is well known for his hot temper. He once beat a superior officer unconscious with his combat boot for simply saying the word "mother" in his presence.
Likes: Long Walks on the Beach, Westerns, and Frisbee
Dislikes: The Yakuza, the Triads, and the Russian Mob

Guthry, Ewalt
Rank: Private First Class
Blood Type: Pure Grain Alcohol
Codename: Professa Murda
Expertise: Animal Husbandry
Biography: A lot of people use the term BFE or "Butt Fucking Egypt" to refer to a remote location. Ewalt Guthry actually grew up in a town called Butt Fucking Egypt that consisted of his family farm, another family farm that was abandoned, and a barn where they kept his "slightly unusual" cousin chained to the wall. Out of boredom Ewalt befriended animals near his farm and trained them to assist him in the distillation of corn husks and wild tubers into various potent alcoholic brews. One home-brand he's still producing while in the Army is called "Satan's Paint Thinner" and it is capable of rendering a man permanently blind simply by inhaling the fumes.
Likes: Ethanol, Methanol, and Isopropyl Alcohol
Dislikes: Hair Gel, Needy Chicks, and Combines

Dawson, Ronnie
Rank: Private First Class
Blood Type: Whatever
Codename: Dr. Nappenstein
Expertise: Slouching/Low Altitude Hammock Insertion
Biography: Pfc. Dawson is one of the most courageous and capable men in the platoon. Unfortunately, he is also far and away the single laziest man in the platoon, and has been threatened with court martial nine times for napping. While assigned to digging fox holes he dug a hole a foot deep and fell asleep in it. When he was ordered to guard a mock prisoner during training he fashioned an elaborate noisemaker around the man's neck and then fell asleep on the ground. During a live fire exercise where he was told to climb under barbed wire while machineguns roared only inches overhead, Pfc. Dawson yanked down the barbed wire, made a pillow, and slept soundly until all ten machineguns had run out of ammunition.
Likes: Naps, Long Naps, and NyQuil
Dislikes: Alarm Clocks, Standing, and Sudden Movement

Brickjaw, Square
Rank: Private First Class
Blood Type: Synthetic Testosterone
Codename: Big Guy Who Stands in the Back and Has a Giant Gun
Expertise: Big Guy Who Stands in the Back and Has a Giant Gun
Biography: Based on his ability to lift giant guns and the square shape of his jaw, Square Brickjaw was assigned as the platoon's enormous weapons trooper. Square will carry a gatling rocket launcher and shoulder mounted .50 caliber machineguns into battle to supplement the platoon's rifles and SAWs. Square is also a certified Army Engineer and during training proved himself capable of lifting an entire 98 ton folding bridge apparatus into place by himself.
Likes: Hugeness, Massive Guns, and Largenitude
Dislikes: Hiding, Diminutive Weapons, and the TV Show "Turbo Teen"

Acres, Timothy
Rank: Private First Class
Blood Type: A
Codename: Tricorn
Expertise: Civil War Reenactment
Biography: Timothy Acres was attending college for a degree in accounting and spending his spare time doing civil war reenactments when war broke out with Iraq. As a member of the Union army, Tim's reenactment regiment was called up by the US Army and the members were distributed to various units abroad and in the United States. He is an expert shot with the Lareby Repeating Rifle and can hornswaggle a Louisiana pigeon at fifty spits. He is also fully trained on loading grapeshot and solid ball shells into the Mackelvoy Mark IV support cannon.
Likes: Black Powder Rifles, Yankee Doodle, and Abolition
Dislikes: Johnny Reb, Secessionism, and Fusiliers

J459-32243, Positron Systems
Rank: Combat Cyborg
Blood Type: N/A
Codename: Sparky
Expertise: Cyborg Operations
Biography: Constructed in 2002 at Positron Systems' San Diego facility, "Sparky" is a combat cyborg of the J series. This particular model was designed to supplant the unreliable H series and the "hearty but prone to sudden violence against friendly units" I series. Sparky has been with the platoon since early 2003 and has been on some 500,000 internally simulated combat drops. In all of that time it has not once suffered full positronic CPU dissolution or attempted to tear the skulls out of its teammates. One time it did self-destruct its fissile core creating a simulated blast crater one thousand yards in diameter, but that was just caused by some spyware that got installed when The Medallion Stallion used it to browse for porn. I'm sure it won't happen again.
Likes: Regular Maintenance, Fluid Changes, and Alloy Resurfacing
Dislikes: Jammed Flanges, Hydraulic Overpressure, and Corrosion

Herring, Ian Boyd
Rank:Classified
Blood Type: O
Codename:Classified
Expertise:Classified
Biography:REDACTEDand then at last year's Christmas party heREDACTEDThus began a long friendship withREDACTEDandREDACTED, I guess, butREDACTEDThat's how the cookie crumbles sometimes when you'reREDACTEDMMMSFDJHJJ (REDACTED) is a special unit that onceREDACTEDall the way toREDACTED.
Likes:Classified, Puppies,Classified
Dislikes:Classified,Classified,Classified

Eckstein, Darryl
Rank: Private First Class
Blood Type: C
Codename: Neo
Expertise: Fproting Tarballs
Biography: Darryl Eckstein is a hacker extraordinaire and an expert of all things computer related and involving jargon. He will make people pass out from confusion by talking rapidly about everything from "bauds" to "kernels". Hahahahah, not the military colonels, I mean the computer ones. Hahahaha, you thought I meant the military ones. That would be pretty funny if that made people- oh god just kill me now.
Likes: 28.8 Modems, Cronjobs, and Line Spikes
Dislikes: Zone Alarm, Microsoft, and Firewalls

Beard, Red
Rank: First Mate
Blood Type: Rum and Grog
Codename: Scallywag
Expertise: Terrorizing the High Seas
Biography: First Mate Red Beard is married to the sea, but it has always been a rocky relationship and he's currently put his marriage on the backburner to join the US Army. In turns out that his skill with a cutlass has a lot more uses than you would think in the modern American Army. In addition to shortages on armor plates there has also been a shortage on assault rifles, requiring the military to outfit one man per platoon with a cavalry saber. Red prefers his cutlass, but he has proven open to change, and fares quite well against pike men, Cossacks, and Norwegian Berserkers during training exercises. Considering the platoon may be soon be facing hordes of whirling dervishes it's probably a good thing that Red Beard will be there to fend them off.
Likes: Saucy Wenches, Keel Hauling Enemies, and Swordplay
Dislikes: A Broken Cutlass, Depth Perception, and Mutiny

Gonzalez, Marissa
Rank: Corporal
Blood Type: Frozen
Codename: Iceperson
Expertise: Glaring
Biography: Briefly meeting the baleful gaze of Corporal Marissa Gonzalez is enough to send most people running. Her codename is "Iceperson" and she definitely lives up to it with a no-nonsense attitude and an almost obsessive devotion to military discipline. Legend tells that her family was infected with a strain of virus that turned them into bloodthirsty zombies. At the tender age of 11 Marissa was forced to re-kill her entire shambling undead family. We all know that it's only a myth, because hey, zombies don't exist. All the same Marissa does exist and she scares the living crap out of me.
Likes: Standing At Attention, Reloading Her Rifle, and Operating a Lathe
Dislikes: Zombies, Zombie Viruses, and The Bedazzler

Case, Leon
Rank: Private First Class
Blood Type: Chardonnay
Codename: Romeo
Expertise: Seduction
Biography: Don't ask Pfc. Leon Case, because he's definitely not telling! This saucy metrosexual trooper has got a surprise in store for all applicants, male or female; a little technique he likes to call "the thigh bender". Codenamed "Romeo", Case is a master of speed seduction and managed to convince the OPFOR commander to reveal troop dispositions during every single training exercise by using his patented dance techniques. He also once took an entire enemy squad prisoner by merely tossing his hair and giggling. This is one cosmopolitan guy you don't want to find at the opposite end of a gun or sitting next to you in the canteen because, as he likes to say, he "will rock your lights out".
Likes: Spa Georgio, Lemon Grass Tea, and Body Massage
Dislikes: Grabby Hands, the Triple Shocker, and Morning Breath

In all seriousness, this has been a real pleasure to help out Staff Sergeant GreenMeat of the 25th Infantry Division and his platoon of lovable miscreants. Amidst all the bad jokes I've made over the years here at Something Awful helping these people out has proven to be the single thing I am most proud of. If anything, I am honored that GreenMeat has allowed us to invade his daily life with dozens of annoying e-mails, and I hope more than anything that everyone in the entirety of the 25th Infantry Division comes home without a scratch on them.

By the way, I hope I didn't offend anyone in GreenMeat's platoon with this article, because I'm relatively certain that every single one of them could kick my ass in about ten seconds.

Missing Child Alert

I'm just kidding, there aren't any missing children anywhere right now. Livestock here, just wanting to get your attention in a shocking manner. That's why I typed that title out while naked and coated in rare African butter. It's time for Photoshop Phriday, and this week's topic is none other than "Holiday Albums, Vol II." It's the sequel to the theme we ran this time last year, which was the year that came before this year. Here is a preview image glistening in the sun:

Click here to help save this missing child! DON'T LET HER DIE!

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)