Steve's Ultimate Monster Bash

I agree it did catch on in a flash, at least in my opinion. Hey guys, it's Steve. I hope you're all having a very haunted and spooky Halloween! Halloween is by far my favorite holiday. All of the holidays are cool, I'm not going to rag on them, but Halloween just takes it to the next level. You have cool decorations like Christmas and you stuff yourself full of food like on Thanksgiving and Easter, plus you've got sweet parties and costumes. When you're a kid it's all about trick-or-treating and believe me I played my share of tricks on people.

When you get older it's more about cool Halloween parties. I've got to ask you, what party could be cooler than the ultimate Halloween party portrayed in the song "Monster Mash"? The song is basically about a scientist like Dr. Frankenstein who is working on his latest project when all of the sudden a whole bunch of monsters decide to throw an impromptu party. All the big names are there like Wolf Man and Dracula, along with ghouls and zombies who could be a lot of different people. I think the Monster Mash sounds like a totally sweet Halloween party, but I do take issue with it because there are almost no babes there. Total sausage fest and it's not like there are a lack of hot babe monsters.

Thinking about that got me to thinking about who I would invite to my own monster party. I know a lot of web sites and whatever do Halloween specials where they list like the scariest monster or the best horror scene and that's cool, I'm not knockin' those guys, but I think it's too subjective. For example, I'm afraid of birds and Keith is afraid of those monkeys from The Wizard of Oz, so if I put The Dark Half as the scariest movie ever Keith would be like "no, it's Wizard of Oz" and then we'd just have to agree to disagree.

What I'm talking about here is putting together the ultimate guest list for my own personal Ultimate Monster Bash. These are just the monsters I think should be invited. Now, scariness is definitely a factor here, because good Halloween party has some blood curdling terror from beyond a grave or graves, but there are a lot of other factors that are equally important.

One important factor is whether or not a monster would be cool to hang out with. The blob is scary as heck, but he would be really lame at a party. In like two seconds he would just roll over all of the food and then he would just sit there getting bigger or maybe squeeze through a vent or something. Not a good conversationalist and not a good dancer. Another bad choice is that guy from Jacob's Ladder who is head banging super fast. When you see him he is scary, but what would he do at a party? Can he do anything else? I mean, yeah, maybe just to look cool you could invite him because he doesn't seem like he would cause much trouble, but he wouldn't add a lot either.

Wolf Man probably has to have some help to get ready for a party. Another important factor is if they are a hot babe or not. I want to up the babe quotient way higher than Monster Mash, but I can't just take any babe who will come. A bad choice would be Blair Witch, because, you know, not enough information. I might as well just invite random goth girls from Adult Friend Finder or whatever, because Blair Witch is probably "good personality" territory or "lots of curves".

Okay, so to start the guest list off I need to run through the automatic invites. The Monster Mash crew has to come or there will be a big scene. They would just assume they're invited so they're going to show up no matter what. Dracula, he's cool as heck, but he can also be lame because he's going to be the center of attention for all of the babes. Keep an eye on him. Wolf Man, he's cool, might be a little bit rowdy so keep an eye on how many drinks he's knocking back.

The Mummy is an awesome guy, no problem from the Mummy and he's going to have some wicked stories about ancient Egypt or whatever. Frankenstein's Monster? Three words: no tiki torches. Go with electric lighting or have it indoors. You'll be fine and he's a really nice guy as long as you don't get him agitated. Bride of Frankenstein will help keep him in line. Invisible Man, eh, he's lame at a party because you can't see him so he might just go into the bathroom and stand right next to you when you're taking a leak, but what are you going to do? Throw him out? Good luck.

Lastly, Creature from the Black Lagoon. He's a gentleman, but he's special needs, so you have to fill up one of those kiddie pools and put some aquarium tablets in the water. Maybe a couple rocks so he can slide up out of the water and stretch out on the rocks and actually join in the party. You also need to set some ground rules about touching with him. He'll follow them, but if you don't set the rules he'll just figure anything goes.

Those are the monster dudes you absolutely have to invite to any sort of bash, mash or hoedown. Once I've got them penciled in, I'm free to start adding in my own friends and some of the coolest monsters ever to stumble through a graveyard.

Pinhead is a cool guy and his friends are cool and he brings a good vibe to a monster party. Starting things off you've got the big three of modern monsters: Jason, Freddy and Michael Myers. Jason Voorhees and Michael Myers are really similar dudes, so they should get along great. Not the best conversationalists, but they stay in touch with youth culture and are pretty hip dudes. Freddy, he's a weirdo, but he has a great sense of humor. Unless you're holding your party inside of someone's dreams his powers should be pretty limited. If you are holding your party inside of someone's dreams he is going to totally hog the spotlight and be the center of attention. Not a good guest for a dream party.

Another good guest is Pinhead from the Hellraiser movies. Like Freddy, his powers are pretty limited unless you're holding your party inside Hell, but he does have some powers on earth. Pinhead isn't into showboating nearly as much as Freddy, just don't play with any boxes he leaves laying around or he is going to spend the whole party trying to make you miserable. He'll be talking really close and spitting chips and dip on your shirt and just generally being an ass. Pinhead is generally a laid back guy though and as a plus he's like his own rolling party with a whole gang of cool dudes he calls the cenobites. There's that one guy who chomps his teeth all the time and that guy who looks like a dinosaur, plus that hot bald babe who looks like the evil Borg woman from Star Trek.

Speaking of science fiction dudes, I think you could invite pretty much any of the skeleton alien guys from They Live. Those dudes didn't seem so bad and they're just an instant party game. Line everyone up and then make people guess who is the skeleton alien and who is just a normal dude (or a vampire or whatever) and it could be really hilarious if you get some of the skeleton aliens to dress up as their favorite movie monsters. It would be like "hey look, it's a moth man from The Moth Man's Prophecy" and then you hand them the sunglasses and they laugh because it's a skeleton alien. Be warned though, if they don't want to put on the sunglasses you may be in for quite a struggle.

A little wild, but funniest guest ever to a monster party and let's just hope he brings his saucy little female friend there. Yowsah! A popular choice from more recent movies would be that little girl from the well in The Ring. Just remember, she can drink if she wants because she's technically old enough and as a bonus she doesn't have to drive home or anything, she can just climb into your TV set and go back to her well. Whatever you do, don't let her pick out the video if you guys decide to watch a movie. Ha ha, no, I don't think she would trick you into watching her killer movie at a party or whatever, but she's got like the brain of a crazy nine year old so she'd probably pick Barney or something way gay.

Next up, I'm inviting Keith. I know his wife probably can't come because of her case of Lupus, but she's welcome to come too. If she doesn't come that's just more of a chance to ogle babes. Okay, but we're not quite to the babes yet.

Two guys who are ready to show up at a moment's notice: The Candyman and Beetlejuice. The Candyman is an alright dude, but he's pretty intense. You'd probably be talking to him and he would just stare at you and you'd start getting this idea that he wants to kill you with a hook or whatever. Still, I'm about including as many cool guys as possible.

As for Beetlejuice, well, what can I say? He's only like the craziest party animal of all time! This guy is going to be chugging booze, grabbing butts, making worms come out of his ears and just generally being hilarious. Heck, he's great, open the doors to any of those other guys he knows like the shrunken head guy or that little midget skeleton monster who is a preacher. Maybe even invite the good ghosts from that because you get Alec Baldwin before he went crazy and Geena Davis before she became president. I don't think I get to invite Lydia because she technically wasn't a monster, but she was a hot little goth firecracker so I hope she can come over.

On the subject of party animals, I think I would be really missing out if I neglected to invite Teen Wolf. You get all of the cool fur and abilities of a Wolf Man, but with the 1980s sensibilities of Michael J. Fox before he was all about starting international incidents with Rush Limbaugh or whatever. To quote something like Teen Wolf, "he would be radical to the max, dude." Heh.

There are more before we get to the babes, but these I'm a little bit undecided about, so I'll let you judge:

Okay, fine, I'll invite Phantasm ball, but now I have to invite Keith's Roombah. The Ghost Bruce Willis from Sixth Sense - Nice guy who seems to care a lot, but I don't know, seems kind of boring. Like he might just sit in the corner and think about deep things like being buried or whatever.

The Devil from The Exorcist - Yeah, this is like everyone's favorite movie monster, so I'm inclined to invite him/her, but on the other hand the screaming bad words and puking everywhere would get old fast. FAST. Maybe an outdoor party only type of deal.

Silver Balls from Phantasm - Cool as heck, maybe they could play with the box Pinhead brings or whatever, but come on, they're objects. I guess I could invite the evil preacher guy or the little Jawa dudes from Hell, but I'm not really feeling those two.

Leatherface from Texas Chainsaw Massacre - Uhhh, okay, really, really scary guy, but do you have any idea how bad all that human skin is going to smell? Plus he never seemed like he had really good control over that chainsaw, I'd be worried he'd be showing off and we'd end up with some serious damage to my mom's bushes. Maybe only if he agreed to leave the chainsaw at home.

What do you think about those guys? I don't know, I'm undecided. What I'm definite about is that I love hot babes and I have some great hot Halloween babes to invite to my Ultimate Monster Bash. These fine ladies will turn undead heads like a 20th level stripper cleric. Heh, little D&D joke for you guys. Anyway, I'm going to list these babes from least hot (but still hot) to most hot.

He landed a good one considering his looks, which I don't think are that good. 5. Zombie Babes

These babes will really help you pad out your party. They're total sluts and there are a ton of them in nurse's outfits, which is like the hottest thing next to maybe cheerleader outfits. I think it's because, statistically speaking, a bunch of zombie attacks happen in hospitals so you get a lot of nurses who get bit by zombies and turn into zombies. You can also get some sweet as heck naked zombie babes if that's your kind of party. Not my scene, but I'm not going to judge you.

4. The Toxic Avenger's Girlfriend

It might be a challenge to get this hottie to your party without her dragging along Toxie, but that's okay. The Toxic Avenger is an alright guy and you could probably play D&D or Xbox with him. She's blind, so if you're unscrupulous you could probably put a pumpkin on your head and get some sideways action by pretending to be the Toxic Avenger. Just watch out and don't get caught, because he seems like he's got a mean jealous streak.

3. Elvira

She maybe is sort of old by now but hooters do not age if you take care of them. Holy crap, need I say more? That cleavage of hers is totally bonkers and she seems like she's pretty willing to get down and dirty. Maybe get a few sea breezes in her or whatever she likes and you can probably make it to at least third base. Make your move before Dracula, he's almost guaranteed to make a play for her.

2. The Snake Priestess Babe from Lair of the White Worm

This is like an unofficial sequel to Conan in modern day and it's one of my totally favorite horror movies. Basically there is this babe who wants to turn everyone into snake monsters and she does it by being hot as all heck. Even after she turns into her evil snake form she still has that Mystique thing going. Just be careful if she starts acting like she is going to, you know, speak into the microphone, because she has a proven track record with that sort of thing and the last thing you want to happen is to end up paralyzed by venom with your pants down at your own party. White Worm definitely not invited though.

1. Hot Vampire Babe from Underworld

A lot of people didn't like the Underworld movies for whatever reason, but I thought they were cool as heck. They're basically about a war between vampires and werewolves and there are tons of machineguns and explosions and karate fights. Plus there is the hot babe main character. Can't remember her name. She is maybe the hottest babe in the world and, I don't say this lightly, I would put my tongue on every inch of her twice. Plus she is a vampire so she has super powers. Just don't let her bring that lame dude who is like half werewolf and half vampire. He looks like Tom Cullen from the The Stand and would probably lose to him in a spelling contest. Heh.

Okay, that's who I am going to invite. We're almost done, but there is one important last thing you've got to do when you make your guest list: decide who you want left off no matter what. Some people who you don't like might make it on there, but you need to make a written list of the dudes you never want coming to your party no matter what. Even one of these buttheads makes it to your party and your whole night is ruined. My list isn't very long, but I stand by it.

Just because you wear clothes and glasses and whatever doesn't make you better than the other Gremlins, Brain Gremlin. The Fly - No way! This guy did this to himself, first of all, which makes him really lame in my opinion. That wouldn't be enough to keep him out by itself, but he also has the most disgusting party manners ever. He can barely talk and when he eats something he pukes first. I'm okay with puking if you drink too much or whatever (just in the toilet or outside, please), but I am not okay with puking on every Ritz cracker you eat. Disgusting!

The Demon Dude from My Demon Lover - Uhhhhh, I don't even know what to say about this guy. He's not scary at all, which is a big minus for a monster. Second, he's a demon, but only when he gets a boner. What the heck is that? Like that guy from the cartoon who could only turn into a car when he was hot or whatever? Finally, when he's a demon, you know, totally telegraphing his stiffy, he's got jack squat for cool powers. He just flies around and maybe does some lame magical cantrips and what have you. To be honest, Keith is a scarier monster than the Demon Lover and Keith's only power is that he can make his face really red just by concentrating.

Critters and Gremlins - Look, guys, I love you, but you can't come to a party. You are pretty much designed specifically to never be welcome at a party. The only one of you I might consider inviting would be the brain gremlin from Gremlins 2, but he seemed like kind of an arrogant dick and like he might just come and then jump in the Creature from the Black Lagoon's pool just to piss me off. No thanks.

The Predator - A mean drunk and he seems like he would just fight with everyone. I mean, that's like all he does is try to kill everyone with a weapon and who could be more armed than my guest list? Plus every time trick-or-treaters show up he'd start in with that "want some candy" voice-modulating crap and just scare them way more than is cool.

Every Halloween I say it, and every Halloween it somehow comes true: this is going to be the best Halloween ever! Guys, have a safe and fun Halloween and be sure to follow your local town's trick-or-treating guides if you plan on going out. I'm going to be having the Ultimate Monster Bash of a lifetime!

– Steve "Malak" Sumner