Choosing how you are going to spend a day on a body of water is just as difficult as selecting a kite, so I find it easiest to compare boats to types of familiar land transportation. A sailboat requires work like a bicycle, so count that out. A speedboat is like a car, and mom said no license until you're in college. How about an aquatic golf cart? Pontoons are a great way to recreate the boredom of your backyard, but on a boat. A pontoon is like a floating game of bridge; safe, a large supply of lemonade, and only fun for the elderly. The only adventure to occur on a pontoon was when Huckleberry Fin traveled down the Mississippi River, and I'm not sure that was even a pontoon.

Helpful Tip: Use ship jargon you've acquired from years of Star Trek!


  • The boat's flat surface, reliable footing, and open space make it perfect for a wii tournament.
  • Blame life jacket for making you look fat

Con (The Three D's of Boating)

  • Drowning
  • Death
  • Disconnected from the internet.

Scared of the Outdoors?

Vietnam Simulator

If the idea of going outside or being active still scares you, don't worry. Bring the heat to you. The first step is easy. Simply walk over to your thermostat and turn off the air-conditioning. Next, travel outside and remove pieces from your air-conditioner so no one else can turn it on. After your house feels like a seafood broiler, get back to your computer and start up a game of Minesweeper on the Expert setting. If you enjoy roleplaying, then imagine you're in Vietnam, defusing VC mines.

Helpful Tip: Keep young children in a bathtub filled with ice to keep them cool!

  • When you and your friends talk about the Vietnam War, you can say you have first hand knowledge of what it was like being in the shit
  • Lose weight while you game


Buy a Something Awful Forums Account

If the idea of leaving the house is a little too much, and minesweeper too intense, then at least you can communicate with the outside world through the internet. Yippee!

Helpful Tip: Once registered, make sure to start a thread and tell everyone hello!

  • Hours of entertainment
  • Preserve that alabaster skin you've spent years anti-tanning


  • None?!

Well, that's what I do when the heats out, and I hope you have gotten some ideas. Tomorrow, when the sun is rising above the trees, you can start on a warpath of fun. No matter what activity you choose, make sure to keep hydrated. If that means carrying around a two liter of ginger-ale, so be it. Oh well, the wind outside is strong, and the lightning hasn't gotten here yet, so I have about twenty minutes of kite flying to enjoy. See you later!

– Ian "Salmon Season" Golding (@iggolding)

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