Timeline From THE FUTURE: the Internet

Let me just punch up "THE FUTURE" on my computer machine and see what we get!

People often approach and ask me, "Rich 'Lowtax' Kyanka, what are your opinions about the current state of the Internet and where the Internet is heading?" Then they ask me where the restrooms are, and I begin thinking about their questions as I Supersize their meal. What lays in store for the future of the Internet? Is it simply a cultural phenomenon destined to fizzle out and die, or are we dealing with a completely new method of communication which will bond to our lives to the same degree as television, newspapers, and billboards for pudgy white trash strip clubs along the I-435? Will the Internet grow and mature into an entity fostering intellectual discussion, or will it continue to fester in its own stupidity, encouraging input from the most wretched lifeless dullards across the globe spawning endless debates on anime? I have absolutely no idea, so I figured it would be best if I took a step - a step into THE FUTURE - to see where our exciting Internet world is heading and in what wonderful new ways it will change. Unfortunately I have no time machine or way of actually traveling into the future, so I did the next best thing: I drank a bunch of beer and played ESPN 2K5 until the image of Priest Holmes was permanently burned into my television. Shortly before throwing up and passing out in the bathtub, I was able to write down this list - a list of THE FUTURE - and I am proud to reveal what awaits us very Internet people in the upcoming three years.

2005

JANUARY - Macromedia releases "Flash ZX: Director's Platinum Ultra Edition" which includes an extensive library of commands specifically developed for Internet advertisers. These features include easy-to-implement code such as "make active window shake really fast while playing a 40-second long country music sound clip singing about the new Ford SUV," "make shit fly at you while blinking so rapidly that the monitor begins to smoke," and the much requested "make another popup window appear once this popup window is closed because we're awfully sure that you didn't mean to close this window of FANTASTIC SAVINGS and you would be a fool to not take advantage of our 534 separate fabulous deals for free vacation getaways to the beautiful island of Viagra." Rumor has it that there's a couple new commands optimizing animation and multimedia content creation, but since people stopped using Flash to create actual content years ago, nobody can ever confirm this. Macromedia beats industry estimates by announcing they actually sold a copy, purchased by a company too stupid to download a warezed version.

MARCH - Microsoft spins off and sells their Hotmail service, which then merges with AOL / Time Warner to create the world's largest collection of email forwarding, known as "Hot AOL Time Inc." The Guinness World Records declares "FWD: awww look at these puppies :)" to be the most forwarded email message in the history of the universe, having visited over 97% of the 78 million email accounts owned by Hot AOL Time. This email not only includes selected photos of dogs in comical poses wearing articles of clothing that one would not normally see on a dog, but a small list entitled "top ten funniest things kids have said in school" as well as a brief passage from the Bible. 13-year old Asian girls and middle aged secretaries across the globe are wooed by Hot AOL Time's promise of "unlimited FWDs in subject line" and "email buddy lists of every single person who has ever used the Internet, both alive and dead." Other email services respond by including an option on their software that filters out all messages from Hot AOL Time, labeled "REFUSE WORTHLESS MESSAGES."

MAY - Statistics prove there are more people trolling the Internet than actually using it.

AUGUST - Cisco introduces a new router and Internet backbone which promises to reduce DDoS attacks and server attacks by 95%. Nobody is able to read their press release, as their site is flooded and becomes unreachable within seconds. Cisco employees respond by calling a press conference, but the entrance to their room is blocked by hundreds upon thousands of overweight twenty year olds wearing Linux t-shirts and using squeegees to wipe the grease from their acre-wide faces. The President of the United States eventually orders Cisco to abandon plans on this product after intense lobbying from the National Association of IRC Users who wage a remarkably successful campaign of "calling him a faggot."

OCTOBER - An online study conclusively demonstrates that I am not funny now and the only time I was ever conceivably humorous in any way was exactly two years ago.

DECEMBER - Further propagating the "Great Internet Emoticon Arms Race," a new smilie face is created that is described as "over 560% more effective than the classic :) emoticon." This smilie face tears communities apart and creates a large rift between users supporting and abolishing it. While all users agree that this new smilie face conveys a sense of happiness much more accurately than the current one, some Internet experts feel this smilie goes "too far." Greg Gleason, World famous Internet expert and author of "Creating the Ultimate Dragonball-Z Forum Post," proclaims this emoticon as "the end of the Internet" in a press conference shortly before manually reading aloud his 30-page sig file which includes "mad pr0pz to G1na (love ya babe) and da Chainfucka Krew (keep rockin!!!!)"

2006

FEBRUARY - Statistics prove the number of people sending spam mails is larger than the number of human beings with email accounts.

MARCH - Microsoft releases their newest top secret operating system, "Microsoft EZNet," the world's first online-only OS. The software is developed for maximum customer ease of use and ships with all existing viruses and spyware already installed on the system so the user will not have to spend valuable time putting it all on their machines during their first 10 minutes of using the Internet. Casual computer user John Balenko proclaims EZNet as "the best software thingy deal I've ever used" and dubs it "the easiest way to find the hottest links to transsexual porn and Canadian pharmacies." Bill Gates holds a press conference but his speech is garbled by the wads of hundred dollar bills crammed in his mouth.

APRIL - U2 makes online music history by not only releasing the first online-only twelve-CD boxed set (which even includes a link to physically download the box), but by releasing all band members over the Internet as well. "Now all you people who ever loved the stunning guitar work of The Edge can download and program him to play at your next Bar Mitzvah," Bono writes in an email announcement posted to fansite www.oh-god-bono-we-love-bono-please-bless-us-bono.com. "To the rest of the population who never even heard of The Edge before, you can download a copy of me and have it drone on and on about AIDS in South African until you begin lobbying for Congress to make South Africa stop existing." After a brief pause, Bono added "same goes for Larry Mullen. Is he even in our band anymore?"

JULY - Macromedia releases the software development tool "Flash Helper QZX," a nifty little program which contains the phone numbers and addresses of "Flash Helpers" throughout America. When an advertiser using Flash Helper QZX suspects an Internet user of closing one of their full-motion, CD-quality sound popup ads for wonderful products such as Miracle Face ("the cream which makes your skull look younger"), an email is dispatched to a Flash Helper who breaks into the user's room and punches them in the genitals until they agree to refresh the ad again and seriously consider purchasing that particular product and / or service. Sales of Miracle Face skyrocket up 430%, although industry analysts are unsure if it's due to Flash Helper QZX or their email campaign which promises users the opportunity to eat a free Mercedes-Benz if they sign up for the Miracle Face newsletter which consists of daily 70-meg emails with a 3D animated video file rotating the words "CLICK HERE TO UNSUBSCRIBE" in those way awesome rotating burning fiery letters.

AUGUST - An online study conclusively demonstrates that I am not funny now and the only time I was ever conceivably humorous in any way was exactly two years ago.

SEPTEMBER - A renegade cyberterrorist organization dubbed "Users Against Email" launches a full scale attack against all email servers, clients, and users, demanding "an end to the inefficient and buggy tool known as e-mail." Their attack goes widely unnoticed, as all but seven people abandoned trying to use email in the beginning of the year, and those seven people were all members of UAE. These former email users have regressed to communication methods such as honking their horns while swearing and calling people up on the phone to inform them exactly how much they suck.

OCTOBER - Due to a serious wiring and networking error, all Counter-Strike traffic is directed towards the Sony Everquest 2 servers. Californian officials dub it "the worst natural disaster in the history of this state," and online counselors are hired by the government to console people mentally scarred during the Great Elf - Terrorist War of 2006. Avid gamer Harris "Blaylox the Dark Elf Lord and Champion of All Realms" Nyler commits suicide after discovering his Enchanted Fulfino Helmet of Lore and Eternal Exchanged Pleasantries has been replaced in his inventory by a riot shield. A new organization known as the "Internet Psychologists Against Depression" forms to aid victims, but they disband 20 minutes later after discovering 94% of Internet users are taking at least three different prescription medications for social anxiety.

NOVEMBER - A Harvard engineering team stumbles upon a new discovery which allows Internet users to actually read posts before replying to them. Many analysists claim this will change the entire Internet, but it really doesn't.

DECEMBER - ICANN board of director Raimundo Beca proclaims himself "King of the Internet" and purchases a $15,000 custom built scepter which features a cast iron sculpture of a demon vomiting out bloody CD-ROMs on the top. He immediately attempts to close the entire Internet so he may hold it for ransom, but stumbles upon a few critical flaws in his plan once he realizes nobody ever paid attentention to anybody on ICANN and even if they did, nobody would pay to get the Internet back. He attempts to bestow the title of "King of the Internet" on another ICANN member but is unable to find one.

2007

Exciting photo from IRCCon 2005 depicting "AmiM0t0t constructing a replica of the Twin Towers. Good job buddy, we're so proud of you!

JANUARY - Macromedia launches "Flash ULTIMATE REMIX XXXXXXXX" and touts the newest advertising-oriented feature, "Physical Popup Window" which sends commands to any ViewSonic XTS2G monitor, causing it to bend the fabric of space and time, creating an actual floating popup window that is forcefully projected from the monitor at speeds up to 70 miles an hour. ViewSonic CEO James Chu learns of this instruction code and immediately cancels all partnerships with Macromedia, but is mysteriously found beheaded in his office before he can sign the contracts. Macromedia hails the software release as "one step closer to making the Internet the Advernet," and reveals plans to make Physical Popup Windows slash your car tires while screeching like a wounded ferret and laying eggs in your childrens' face.

MAY - Amazon names Jason Berenger as the Lead Director for the Creation of Lists Nobody Ever Reads Or Finds Useful In Any Conceivable Way. He immediately begins production on the Amazon "User Recommended Plaid Socks" list and the semi-popular "User's Sexiest Carpet Samples" list which links to a Livejournal camwhore's wishlist where she writes about being molested by her uncle in between desperate pleas for somebody to purchase her the latest Radiohead CD and Sony VIAO.

JUNE - The last remaining content site on the Internet shuts down, its domain name quickly grabbed by Hot Farm Chicks Enterprises, a joint venture between Fuck Harder All Night Industries and Christian Debt Consolidation Online Free Petting Zoo Cellphones Limited. Professional unemployed Internet users unilaterally decide to stop complaining about the advertisements on free content sites, and instead switch strategies to complain about the lack of free content sites with advertising. They agree to continue complaining about free content sites once some of them actually return.

AUGUST - Statistics prove that two out of every one email on the Internet contains the word "RND_WORD," thus making it the most popular random word on the Internet. This comes as a shock to people predicting the words "em@il" or "v1agra" to win. Infuriated v1agra supporters riot by sending millions of emails reading "WE JUST TIPPED OVER YOUR CAR AND LIT IT ON FIRE AND NOW WE'RE KICKING IN YOUR WINDOWS" to all citizens of downtown Detroit.

SEPTEMBER - Geocities sells its assets to Premiere Radio Networks, owner of "Coast to Coast AM." The transaction, worth over $4.30, is heralded by George Noory and Art Bell as "the final step to creating the most exhaustive, extensive compilation of information detailing our government's shady dealings with aliens and visitors from another dimension." A national database is created to search the 18 billion Geocities sites dedicated to exposing the secret connection between alien abductions and former key members of the Clinton cabinet, detailing exactly how these theories affect the Yeti and his illegitimate son, the Chupacabre, which was conceived on a particularly ill-fated evening with Carol Channing.

OCTOBER - An online study conclusively demonstrates that I am not funny now and the only time I was ever conceivably humorous in any way was exactly two years ago.

DECEMBER - In what scientists have dubbed "the world's most tragic freak occurrence," hundreds of thousands of Internet users throughout Washington simultaneously "click here to unsubscribe," the sound of their mouse clicks amplifying each other and resonating throughout the frame of the Tacoma Narrows Bridge. The suspension bridge begins to oscillate rapidly and collapse, killing all zero people traveling to Puget Sound for the annual "Who's Stupid Enough to Live in Puget Sound, Washington?" convention. Police and other emergency authorities are alerted, but nobody actually bothers driving out there because, let's face it, it's a long drive and not exactly worth it.

Wow, what an exciting and thrilling trip into THE FUTURE! I can hardly wait for the Internet to mature from its ugly, revolting, slimy infancy to a full grown beautiful butterfly, flapping its glorious wings of free cellphones and low mortgage rates into the sunset. Until then, we'll all have to sit patiently in our chairs and survive through the countless DDoS attacks, tidal waves of never ending spam mail, feedback from people who list their primary hobby as "porting ParaParaParadise to Linux," and eternal popups of the brainless mind.

Here I am, rock you like a Hurricane

Ryan "OMGWTFBBQ" Adams here again, rocking you again. Sorry again about the lean update last week. It was a great story, but I was sick at the time, and didn't have the ability to find more crazy dad stories for you. This week I've got funny pictures for you, okay?

Oh those crazy teenagers! I always knew those damn Power Rangers were into trouble, from pooping on things to dying in car crashes. Thanks to Hot Dog Day #43 and the forum goons, we've managed to catch all of the Power Ranger shenanigans with MS Paint. Enjoy this week's Comedy Goldmine, "Catching the Power Rangers in the act".

Get off my lawn with that Megazord you bastards!

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@TwitterHasBannedAllMyAccountsEver)