Step One: Be a total asshole.

It’s an unchecked fact that 80% of all eye gouging accidents occur through umbrella usage. At this very moment a light mist is causing a dozen people to get a thin metal tip pierced through their cornea. All they wanted to do was get inside, but now look at them, a crumpled wreck clenching their disfigured face out in the rain. Now, which side do you want to be on? The idiot babies screaming on the damp asphalt as tears collect in their hollow skull cavity or those too dry to care? Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Remember: The only thing between you and the Rain Zone is 2.5 cubic feet of fabric, and the second you care about another human is the second your dry-clean only sweater starts to smell like a wet dog. Don’t make that mistake! There is a time and place for compassion, but it isn’t on a cloudy day like this. Protect your Dry. If there is room for two people, play it safe and walk right down the middle. If the sidewalk is not wide enough for your massive golf umbrella, it is not your responsibility to make room. Even if you can move a few inches, it’s really not worth the risk of feeling .04 seconds of moisture.

The world has shrunken to the size of a telephone booth and you are the king/queen/transgendered, democratically elected delegate. You are the only thing that matters. You are the Dry One. And anyone out in the Rain Zone is already dead. If someone is already in the rain, they might as well walk in the gutter. If they cared about themselves, they’d have an umbrella too. So force them into the street. Force them to duck out of your way. Force them to press up against a wall until you pass.

Advanced Tip: Don’t apply human feelings to those in the Rain Zone. Ignore all scoffs and sneers. These wet emotions do not register, this wet annoyance is misplaced. The human body might be 65% water, but anything over that is edging up towards monster territory. Look down at your feet and plow forward, your umbrella a battering ram against the haters, your character far superior. These problems are not yours. You do not feel the rain, you do not recognize those covered in it. Like an elderly dude changing his ringtone in a waiting room, you must carry on oblivious to your own obnoxious behavior. Dry or Die, friend. Dry or Die.

There are times when you walk into someone else who has an umbrella. Do not worry. Though a stranger, this is your comrade and advisory. Again, do not panic. It is possible for the both of you to continue your unflinching asshole behavior. Simply scan the size of each others' umbrella, until you find which is larger, more dominate. Once settled, lift your umbrella higher or lower depending on size to both accommodate and respect one another without moving it away. If a dominate umbrella cannot be decided, walk forward, bashing the two together like fighting giraffes until you pass one another. Anyone getting soaked in the Rain Zone can wait until the show is finished.

That is the only step. You are now an average umbrella user. Congrats.

– Ian "Salmon Season" Golding (@iggolding)

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