Web Awards I'll Never Win

We're all familiar with prestigious accolades like The Emmys, The Oscars, and The Blockbuster Music Awards, but did you know doing stuff on the Internet can yield similarly priceless trophies and medals? Yes, it's true. Yet, in 15 years of writing for the web, I've utterly failed to win a single award that's just as valid as the more popular ones and not at all designed to prop up a rapidly dying medium. At the risk of burning some very important bridges, allow me to share my list of the awards that I should have received for my unique talents, but didn't.

• LinkExchange's "Too Politically Controversial for the Main X-Files Webring" Golden Chain
• Mr. Skin's Boob-Finding Badge of Honor
• BuzzFeed's Outstanding Display of Journalistic Integrity in 80 Words or Less
• IMDB's Least Creepy Non-Foot-Related Comment About a Female Celebrity
• Amazon's "Most Warehouse Workers Paralyzed" Official Shout-Out (I accidentally ordered 10,000 free weights)
• The Platinum "What's Up Everybody" for Superlative Innovation in YouTube Video Introductions
• Newgrounds' Most Ethically Challenging Columbine Flash Game
• Goodreads' Honorable Mention for not Just Listing the Books You Skimmed Through in High School
• AskMen's World Record for Most Men Successfully Asked
• GameFAQs' Honorable Mention for ASCII Art Interpretation of a Video Game Logo
• The Caitlyn Jenner Donald Trump Cialis Earn Thousands Working from Home SOE-ies
• The Coveted Salon.com Smarmy
• Clickhole's "Not Funny Enough to Work Here" Formal Notice
• UpWorthy's "Best Story About a Research Animal Going Outside for the First Time" Chocolate Frown
• GeoCities' Prestigious "Best Star Field Background" Honorary Sash
• The Rare "Self-Sucking Alpha Redditor" Golden Statuette
• The Something Awful Lifetime Achievement Award for Doing This for Over a Decade Despite Sabotaging Any Possibility of a Respected Writing Career

– Bob "BobServo" Mackey