Welcome to Cabbage Farm!

Welcome my friends. You will never want to leave.

Guten Tag! For those of you that do not know German, that means "Hello my friends, how are you today? I hope you are well!" Myself, I am very well thank you. Since writing my debut article two weeks ago I have received many emails from people all around the globe. Hidden amongst the thousands entitled "shutup and die", one email in particular caught my attention:

Mr. Davies,

If you break into my house and shampoo my cats again I will call the police. I am sick of this.

Oops, no, that one was from my neighbor with the dirty cats. I meant this one:

Dear Mr. Moof,

I was reading your recent article entitled "A Space Invasion!" with great interest last week. While reading the article it occurred to me that it was the work of a true comedy genius the likes of which this world has not seen since Moses. I represent research and development for the sitcom department of NBC Television Studios. I would be honored if you would consider writing a show for us for the new season. Of course you will be given total creative freedom and we will pay you seven million dollars in cash for your work as well as a helicopter, a yacht, and a pony. Please get back to me as soon as possible so we can meet and talk and laugh oh how we will laugh.

Yours Sincerely,

Ronald J Bubbleworth

At first I was a little skeptical. Writing a sitcom appeared to be a very difficult task, and so I sat down and began to watch the hit television series "Friends" hoping to learn the secret of comedy. After five minutes I actually stabbed my eyes out with a fork. Blinded and stumbling across the room, I finally collapsed on the floor next to a dead plant and cried myself to sleep. Of course all of this is a truly outrageous lie the likes of which the Internet has never seen before, and it only exists in the train wreck of twisted metal and burning flesh that is my mind. That did not stop me from writing my very own sitcom. Ladies and Gentlemen, Welcome to Cabbage Farm. It will revolutionize the television industry as we know it. Set on a cabbage farm in the year 2014, it features a cast of hilariously zany characters who live and grow cabbages together - often with hilarious results!

The Characters

Tuuluuwaq
Born in Greenland and a professional Eskimo, Tuuluuwaq serves no purpose other than being the token crazy ethnic guy that everyone makes fun of because he is different. Sure to be a hit with viewers young and old, he entertains with such memorable lines as "Boy it sure is dark outside!" and "That's no pumpkin, that's a beetroot!" Haha, oh Tuuluuwaq, when will you ever learn!

Oh tuuluuwaq, will your crazy antics ever cease!

Jessica Lynch
The addition of Jessica Lynch will hopefully attract the some of the "Goddamned Idiot" demographic that currently makes up 93% of Fox News' audience. A True American Hero™, she is always accompanied by a crying eagle that sits on her shoulder draped in an American flag while the Stars and Stripes plays solemnly in the background. During her appearances viewers are reminded that although it is OK to laugh sometimes, we should never forget the great sacrifices made by great patriots that make the country what it is today and that freedom comes at an immense cost. Sounds more like expensivedom to me but what do I know.

The Lord Jesus Christ
Running a cabbage farm is a tricky business and I should know. Luckily for the rest of the cast The Lord Jesus Christ is there to help them out. Able to perform miracles such as turning gold into pure cabbage, Jesus makes sure that everything runs smoothly on Cabbage Farm. An avid Buddhist, Jesus spends much of his time meditating in the fields.

Bernard
Bernard is not a very important character at all. He has absolutely no personality and only really exists to spout out his stupid catchphrase again and again much to the amusement of his fellow cast members. Bernard will most likely be the most popular character.

Exclusively to you, the readers of Something Awful, I can give you a sneak-peek into some of the most hilarious moments from season one of Cabbage Farm. Of course by "most hilarious" what I really mean is "least likely to case serious brain damage."

From Episode One: Welcome to Cabbage Farm!

The cast are sitting at the dinner table. Jesus has his arm around Bernard, and Tuuluuwaq is eating a potato. Jessica Lynch is sobbing into her peas.

Jesus: Bernard your eyes are so beautiful it is like someone stole the stars from the sky and then gouged out your eyeballs and replaced them with the stars.

Silence

Tuuluuwaq: Can someone pass the gravy?
Bernard: Haha that's our Tuuluuwaq!
Tuuluuwaq: No seriously I would like the gravy please.
Jesus: Oh Tuuluuwaq you card!

From Episode Two: CabbageMania

All of the characters travel to the annual cabbage convention (CabbageMania) which is being held in Denver. They are currently sitting on a plane above Kansas.

Jesus: Oh boy this is exciting I love cabbages.
Jessica Lynch (crying): Oh god oh god oh god I can't go on like this!
Tuuluuwaq: What is the matter Jessica Lynch?
Jessica Lynch (shouting hysterically): I DON'T HAVE TO TALK TO YOU I AM AN AMERICAN HERO!
Tuuluuwaq: Bitch.
Bernard: Haha that's out Tuuluuwaq!
Jesus: Oh Tuuluuwaq you card!

From Episode Four: Only the Scarecrow Knows

Jessica Lynch is pregnant... But who is the father? No one is sure, but Jesus suspects it is Tuuluuwaq's. This scene takes place during a cabbage harvest when everyone is in the field picking cabbages.

Jesus (to Tuuluuwaq): Did you get Jessica Lynch pregnant?
Tuuluuwaq: Jesus Christ what the hell do you think I am. Dear Lord you're completely insane.

Bernard winks at Jesus

Jessica Lynch is in a different part of the field, talking to an inanimate scarecrow.

This beluga whale sure is happy. There are no beluga whales in my article.

Jessica Lynch: Oh scarecrow no-one will ever know the special bond we share.
Jessica Lynch: I love you more than anything scarecrow.
Jessica Lynch: Scarecrow, what's the matter? You seem upset.
Jessica Lynch (shouting at the scarecrow): DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM!?! I AM JESSICA LYNCH!

Jessica Lynch throws a rock at the scarecrow, knocking its head off.

Jessica Lynch (weeping): Oh God! What have I done!

Jesus, Tuuluuwaq, and Bernard come running over

Tuuluuwaq: It's OK Jessica Lynch we can put his head back on.
Bernard: Haha that's our Tuuluuwaq!
Tuuluuwaq: What. That doesn't even make sense.
Jesus: Oh Tuuluuwaq you card!

From Episode Five: The Season Finale

It is Christmas day and everyone is singing carols under the cabbage tree. Suddenly the tree falls over and crushes Tuuluuwaq!

Tuuluuwaq: Aaeergh!
Jesus: Oh no!
Tuuluuwaq: Help me!

A freak bolt of lightning strikes the tree and engulfs in it flames. Tuuluuwaq starts to burn.

Tuuluuwaq: Aaaaaarrrrrggghhhhhh

Tuuluuwaq dies a horribly slow and painful death. The stench of burned flesh fills the air.

Bernard: Haha that's our Tuuluuwaq!
Jesus: Oh Tuuluuwaq you card!

Fade to black.

Roll credits.

– Tom "moof" Davies