You Got a Problem, Yo, I'll Solve It (Part I)

If this weird guy is worried about the world's state of affairs, by God, you should be too!

As any God-fearing, tax-hating, burger-chugging, red-blooded American is well aware of, our country is firmly entrenched in the WWF (World War Federation) grudge match of the century: the patriotic and holy United States verses a tag team of evil: Iraq, North Korea / Dakota, and the other country whose name I can't remember. It's that one place that has a really high unemployment rate, tons of Muslims, and an undying hatred for America - you know, that one. Since I frequently find myself watching CNN in between commercials for perscription narcotics these days, I am well informed of the conflicts we're facing throughout this giant spinning orb of plastic and contaminated dirt we dub "The Earth." According to all major news outlets and the government, the Three Stooges of World Domination must be feared and blown up because they're highly evil and do dastardly things like blow up people that we either don't want blown up or wanted to blow up before they could. I was gradually learning to grasp and deal with my overriding fear that, at any moment throughout the day, the entire country of Iran could suddenly move to the apartment complex behind mine and begin listening to rap music even louder than my current druggie neighbors. However, in a shocking turn of events, I was recently notified of even more deadly threats throughout the world! Yes, you read that right, there are countries besides Iraq, Iran, and North Korea with horrible problems that involve previously living people becoming more dead. Oh my!

Conflicts rage across the globe - Iraq and North Korea have dominated the world's attention in recent months, yet in countries and regions around the globe, strife smolders with sporadic notice. Civil war. Mutilations. Threat of nuclear deployment. Human trafficking. Starving babies. Those are some of the seeds and harvest of conflicts in Africa, Asia, Europe and South America. Neglecting these conflicts is dangerous, said Arthur Helton, director for peace and conflict studies at the Council on Foreign Relations, a national think tank and publisher with headquarters in New York and offices in Washington.

Just when you thought the threat was over... BAM, here comes 10 more countries that are just powder kegs of strife, hatred, chafing, and that smell you get on t-shirts which won't wash off no matter how many times you douse them in detergent. Now I would be lying to you if I claimed I wasn't frightened by the conflict currently taking place in Uzbekistan and Burundi; I think everybody reading this page is fairly aware that I'm well-versed in the daily affairs of Uzbekistan and Burundi. However, I didn't know I should be afraid - deathly afraid - of the affairs taking place in Uzbekistan and Burundi until CNN informed me that neglecting starving babies is "dangerous." According to Arthur Helton, the "director for peace and conflict studies" at the Council on Foreign Relations, there are 10 hotspots throughout the world that you and I should be concerned about and bring up every chance anybody mentions the Axis of Evil. Next time somebody walks up to you and says, "man, that shit with Iraq is crazy!" you are legally required to reply, "oh yeah? Well what about the internal conflict within Uzbekistan and Burundi, huh asshole?" Then you should shove them to the ground for being so stupid and ignoring the words of the director for peace and conflict studies.

Since we are noble, upstanding citizens, we here at Something Awful have examined the 10 problem countries and have used our think tank, which is an actual tank (mass manufactured by State Og) that thinks about killing us around the clock, to brainstorm possible solutions to these global conflicts which could result in an increasing amount of nuclear starving baby traffic mutilation if left unchecked. Here is our list of the first five trouble areas, presented on a country-by-country basis:

Angola

Threats from another universe never fail to unite us stupid Earthlings.

Country Description: Angola is located somewhere on the Earth. I don't know where. It has a capitol, but I don't know what it is. I'm guessing their country is overcrowded and fairly dirty. I'm really not in the mood to enter the word "Angola" into Google because their country's name sounds like a venereal disease and I don't want to see the search results it might produce.

Problem: Popular Movement for the Liberation of Angola (MPLA) and National Union for the Total Independence of Angola (UNITA) began fighting for control of liberated country in 1975. About 1.5 million people have been killed in the past 27 years; 500,000 refugees; 130,000 people mutilated; 100,000 orphans; 4 million internally displaced people.

Solution: As you can see, Angola has two liberation groups are fighting each other and killing innocent citizens in an attempt to free these dead innocent citizens from each other. I assume one of them eventually plans on building an army full of Angolanian zombies hell bent on revenge. Regardless, these bickering two groups must join together and form a bond of friendship, leaving their differences behind and uniting for the sake of peace. If there's anything that I've learned from watching the movie "Independence Day" on continuous play for twelve consecutive weeks, it's that nothing brings together warring nations like the threat of an alien attack. I also learned that Bill Pullman should probably be elected President because, hey, that guy can do just about anything! The US should invade Iraq and capture their entire army by constructing a gigantic crate reading "FREE AMERICAN FLAG BURNING COMPETITION." Once we've rounded up a few thousand of them, we should glue alien masks to their faces and spray paint their bodies green. In the dead of night, we will parachute these scary looking soldiers into Angola territory, thereby creating a Martian menace and forcing both the MPLA and UNITA to merge and form the MANIPULITA, an army dedicated to eradicating the alien menace from their sacred land of dirt and fired shell casings. After murdering the last Iraqi alien, the two groups will see how silly their little conflict was and they'll agree to have a united Angola, one based on freedom and love and syndicated "Family Circus" strips that deal with grandpa's death and his subsequent ascension into the clouds where he proceeds to look down upon Billy and make endearing comments.

Possible Problems With the Solution: I don't think Iraqi soldiers know how to speak Martian, so we'll have to invest a lot of money in language translation service while they're in the giant flag-burning cargo crate and being spray painted.

Burundi

The laser light show may be great in Burundi... great at CAUSING DECEPTION!!!

Country Description: Burundi is located to the west of Tanzania, which is where the lovable Warner Brothers cartoon character named "The Tanzanian Devil" character originates from. They have a large amount of natural resources which include peat (used to make peat moss), nickel (used to make nickels), and cobalt (I don't know what that is). 67% of them are Christian, so America should naturally really begin caring about them or else Jesus will stomp the shit out of us just like Jack Chick claimed.

Problem: Ethnic battles waged between majority Hutu and minority Tutsi, who control military, in 1990s. Hutu president assassinated in 1993. Hutu refugees massacred in 1995. Tutsi leader staged successful coup in 1996. Recent army massacre of civilians reported. 200,000 people killed, 400,000 made refugees and 600,000 internally displaced by ethnic strife. More than 20,000 Congolese refugees have arrived since October 2002.

Solution: It is obvious that their army is to blame here. According to my inside sources, a country's army is supposed to PROTECT their citizens, as opposed to REPEATEDLY SHOOTING them. This is the major error that the Burundian folks in power are making. I can understand how the President of Burundi might've failed to notice when the first 50,000 civilians were killed by his army, but once you start passing the 100,000 range, there really isn't any good excuse. Perhaps there's some breakdown in communication between the leader and his army. Like he'll be playing golf and call up his general and ask, "hey, how are things going?" and the general will reply, "great, we just killed another 25,000 people today!" and the president will think the general said "great, we just thrilled another 25,000 people today" because he recently spent the entire year's budget on a really complex and exciting laser light show to amaze the country's citizens. What we need to do is encourage communications companies such as Sprint PCS and Verizon to expand their service to Burundi so they may experience less communication breakdowns. Oh yeah, and if the Burundi folks ever start pissing us off or giving us sass, there should be a way to make their cellphones explode.

Possible Problems With the Solution: Cellphone engineers may find themselves so mesmerized by the Burundi Laser Light Show that they'll become entranced and refuse to leave the country, instead opting to spend the rest of their lives mining nickel in a giant rave.

Indonesia

This woman has had her human rights abused, as well as her face. But that's okay, because according to her drunken husband, "the bitch deserved it!"

Country Description: Indonesia consists of a whole bunch of islands floating around in the Indian Ocean. Near one of the islands is the word "MOLUCCAS" which enigmatically floats above them and kind of bends to the right on this map. They are located north of Australia, but then again a lot of stuff is located to the north of Australia, so don't think they're particularly special or anything.

Problem: Indonesia annexed West New Guinea, also called Papua, in 1969, and renamed it Irian Jaya. Papuans have waged a low-intensity struggle for freedom since then. Population influx to Papua marginalizes indigenous Papuans. Reports of human rights abuses are common.

Solution: While Indonesia is no Burundi or Angola on the scale of "dead people living there," I guess it apparently has a good selection of problems. Apparently Papuans don't like Indonesia or vice versa and people are moving from one island to the next while having their human rights abused. Abuse is something that "just isn't cool" according to The Lifetime Network, a cable channel dedicated to financing the entire "woman gets abused by husband, woman gets revenge and husband dies" movie genre. America must export millions of television sets and Lifetime Network cable subscriptions to Indonesia so we may teach them the errors of abusing other people. Soon they will learn that if they choose to abuse somebody and their inalienable human rights, they will eventually end up falling out a 15-story window, getting shot by an ex-lover, or being stabbed in the face by the person who they abused.

Possible Problems With the Solution: As previously mentioned, Indonesia is a bunch of islands. Islands usually have volcanoes, and volcanoes usually have Lava Gods. We must be sensitive to the needs of the Lava Gods by carefully screening all aired material to make sure it's non-offensive towards Lava Gods.

Balkans

Now I can't guarantee that Satan's administration will be 100% problem free, but - OH HELL, WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN THIS IMAGE?!?

Country Description: This is one of the 70-billion countries that formed when Yugoslavia broke up in 1991 after their "Wykked Storm" tour (where they lost their lead bass guitarist). If you try to look up "Balkans" in a search engine, you'll soon realize that this country is also known as "Serbia," "Bosnia," "Herzegovinia," or "YOUR NAME HERE FOR $10 A DAY."

Problem: Yugoslavia broke up in 1991, creating several smaller states that subsequently experienced various degrees and lengths of warfare, as power-hungry leaders manipulated ethnic and nationalist tensions. Post-war vacuum of legitimate political authority and economic opportunity enabled criminal syndicates to amass power, undermining ongoing reform efforts. Breakup led to civilian casualties, large refugee populations and ethnic cleansing during 1990s. Unemployment, criminalized economies, drug and human trafficking, and a potential for political extremism and terrorism are current problems.

Solution: The Balkans need a strong, intelligent, charismatic leader to pull them out of this season-long slump. They need somebody who knows how to get things done, somebody who is a people-person and knows how to make things work. Therefore, I suggest they elect the Anti-Christ to the seat of presidency. Many conspiracy wackos are firmly convinced that when ol' Scratch rises from his grave and begins his plot to conquer the world, he will take on the form of a popular world leader. This would be the perfect country for him to get his start in, as he has a lot of material to work with. Once he reforms the economy and unemployment by converting ethnic cleansing into paying jobs, he'll be able to list "I fixed the fucked up country of the Balkans" on his resume and soon he'll be able to expand his reach into surrounding territories. You know, because we all know the devil just really wants to take over Bulgaria.

Possible Problems With the Solution: Many people, including some major religions, could possibly express opposition to electing the Anti-Christ as their leader. The United States will have to walk a tight rope, carefully balancing out their pro-Satan propaganda while simultaneously appeasing fat white guys like Jerry Falwell.

Kashmir

Some problems just can't be solved.

Country Description: Kashmir is located in between China, Pakistan, and India, which is just about the worst fucking place anybody could ever be (with the possible exception of standing between a buffet line and Harry Knowles).

Problem: British withdrawal in 1947 created independent states of Pakistan and India. Kashmir, a Muslim-majority kingdom with a Hindu ruler, failed to join either, leading to first of several India-Pakistan wars over the territory. Pakistan supported militant anti-Indian groups and sent Islamists to fight in region, while resentment of Kashmiri Muslims to presence of Indian army was rising. India and Pakistan acquired nuclear weapons in 1998. Radical groups in Kashmir allegedly contribute to terrorism. Religious divisions have hardened, and 50-percent unemployment aggravates tensions. Crises now involve risk of nuclear war. Human-rights abuses by Indian army and pro-Pakistan Islamic groups reported, including incidents of acid mutilation and beheadings of unveiled women by Muslim fundamentalists.

Solution: Dude, they're fucked.

Possible Problems With the Solution: After China, Pakistan, and India get done flinging nuclear warheads at each other like paperclips, the post-apocalyptic wasteland they create might not be the one envisioned in many Sci-Fi Channel original movies. This could possibly result in a class action lawsuit against the Sci-Fi Channel, robbing them of their hundreds of dollars in savings.

Whew! What a tremendously informative and political update! See, when you read Something Awful, you've got your finger on the pulse of the world, feeling it slowly flatline. While other, more inferior websites out there blabber on about video games or tits or the newest incest-themed trend in Japan, Something Awful is providing you with hard-hitting content that lets you know what you should currently be deathly afraid of! You know, just like in the news, only with more ass jokes! Stay tuned for Part II of "You Got a Problem, Yo I'll Solve It" where I tackle problematic places Uzbekistan, Venezuela, Zimbabwe, Colombia, and the Phillipines. Trust me, you can't afford to miss Uzbekistan!

The Goldmine Presents... a Trio of Terror!

Another Tuesday, another exciting episode of everybody's favorite Comedy Goldmine! On the familiar note of conflict and major battles, the SA Forum Goons have amassed a collection of trading cards entitled "Gulf War 2: The Reckoning," which can be purchased at various stores selling Slim-Jims.

Now that's a powerful deck! Mosey on over and see for yourself!

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@TwitterHasBannedAllMyAccountsEver)