As you are well aware, your dog Hairbank is a hideous, ungodly thing. He is a beast of unbridled malevolence and the monster that stares back from the abyss. Everything about his appearance and behavior stands in perverted defiance to the noble standards Kennel Fair seeks to uphold and champion.
It is with a heavy heart that I deliver this most unpleasant news. Garmonbozia, your beloved Bluetick Coonhound, will not be advancing to the next round in our Kennel Fair Dog Pageant. While the dog excelled in virtually every category, we were uncomfortable with one extremely unsettling physical characteristic: his complete set of human teeth.
I am sad to inform you that your canine, Apache, is disqualified from competing in the Kennel Fair Dog Pageant on the grounds that it is deceased. While the quality of the taxidermy you purchased for your beloved friend is truly remarkable, our pageant is intended to celebrate truly remarkable living dogs.
Normally I would take a moment to assure you that you and your dog are winners just for participating, but in this case I cannot. I am confident that you did not prepare for this tournament in the slightest. For one thing, you did not even know the name of your own dog.
As you know, the Kennel Fair Dog Pageant prides itself on hosting the absolute cream of the canine crop. We endeavor to celebrate the canine form at its best, and reward only those rare specimens that exemplify what it means to be "top dog."
While we take you for your word that Ómögulegt is indeed a dog, we were unable to identify any doglike characteristics. From his challenging, kaleidoscopic anatomy to his bewildering habit of repeating everything we said in the voice of God, he was nothing like any dog we have ever encountered.
While there is nothing in the Kennel Fair Dog Pageant Rules & Guidelines prohibiting the act of bejeweling a canine, common sense and basic human decency definitely forbids it.
Delivering bad news is a difficult but necessary part of my job. For every one exceptional dog present at our Kennel Fair Dog Pageants, we easily see one hundred dogs unworthy of advancing to the semifinals. Indeed, many of these dogs are not even worthy to continue living.
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