State Og Update: 03.12.05

State Og

It isn't mentioned often, but employment at State Og comes with many fringe benefits. Free parking, free antidotes to the numerous poisons we are exposed to on a daily basis, and a 20% discount on our bills for the coffee we drink and electricity we use while at the office. Special thanks this week go to: Jason "Vengeance Otter" Johnson and Nick "Loden Taylor" McDermott.

Life In A Glass House

It is often said that people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Well, that may been sagely advice back in the good ol' days of the Glass Age, or the brief period following it known as the Holy-Shit-It's-Hot-Inside-My-House-Made-Out-of-Magnifying-Glass-Lenses Age, but today, in the glorious Information Age it has never been a been a safer time to hurl rocks at your neighbor!

State Og is proud to introduce our new Glass House 3000. Starting from the top down, this beauty of a home is crowned with a 6-inch thick, ten-foot by ten-foot glass platform from which you can throw stones with greater distance and with greater accuracy - due to your elevated position - at bystanders than you could from ground level. Not only that, but this is the only platform officially approved by the Association of Angry Rock Throwers of North America, and they don't give out endorsements to just anyone. An optional rapid-fire rock-launching turret is available.

But the real secret of the GH3K's design is below the platform, in the glass that makes up the rest of the house's structure. While others might design a glass house with super thick walls or use shatter-resistant plastics, our glass walls are surprisingly thin. Surprising, because, thanks to our technical know-how and strategic placement, they are, in fact, just barely thick enough to contain the intense 10,000 psi of air pressure inside, generated by the house's air compression system. Anyone throwing a stone a your home will be shredded by the thousands of glass shards blown out after your house shatters. Warn all your neighbors for that warm feeling that comes with a sense of power or keep quite and keep your 10,000 psi secret as a surprise for any vandals, the choice is yours.

When purchasing your own GH3K, don't forget to buy a hardsuit atmospheric-diving system, which is what you'll need if you want to actually live inside the GH3k and occasionally go outside without getting the bends.

Ask Ms. Og!

You've got problems. Admit it. No, really, fess up. We're not going to wait all day, jackass.

Yes, you've got problems. We all do; it's a fact of life. Luckily for all of us, there's someone who can help. Her name is Rebecca Halverson, but you can call her Ms. Og.

Ms. Og,

I have been married for 23 years. Up until now, things have been great. Lately, though, I can't help but think that my husband is cheating on me. He stays out late after work, and sometimes when he comes home he smells of perfume. I want to know what's happening, but I don't want to force him into a situation where he might leave me. What can I do?

Sincerely,
Confused

Dear Confused,

I'm afraid that there's almost no doubt about it – your husband is probably cheating on you. What you do from here is up to you, but first you must realize that you have three options.

First, you could confront him, leading to either you leaving him or him leaving you. Since you're probably old and terrified of dying alone, let's ignore this option.

Second, you could do nothing. While you'll still have him by your side, it'd only be a matter of time before his insane mistress starts wanting him all to herself. When she finally snaps, you're going to be the first one she kills, so let's try option number three.

My recommendation is that you find out who his mistress is, and then give her the best lesbian sex she's ever had. Be sure to use a lot of tongue. Once everything's said and done, she'll be on your side, and the both of you will have your husband right where you want him. From that point, it'd be the easiest thing in the world to kill him if you wanted, and since you'll have a lesbian lover to keep you company, there would really be no reason NOT to kill your husband.

Be sure to invest in some shovels and tarps, and good luck!

Dear Ms. Og

I am a 26 year-old male, and I live in a condo with my wife and our dog. Recently, my father has come to live with us, as he was injured by a couch badger some time ago and was forced to sell his home to pay the medical bills. Ever since then he has claimed that he's in such constant pain that he cannot do any work at all, be it holding a steady job or doing chores around the house.

I don't mind him just sitting around all day gritting his teeth and moaning, but my wife seems to think that he's only putting on a show. She has just been getting angrier and angrier since he arrived, and now it's starting to impact our relationship. I don't know what to do! Help!

Sincerely,
Torn-in-two in Cincinnati

Dear Torn-in-two,

Were they State Og brand robotic couch badgers? Because, if they were, your father is telling the truth. Each State Og robo-badger is lovingly fitted with various venoms and toxins, along with razor-sharp fangs with which to inject them. As anyone who has ever been attacked by one of our badgers will tell you, the pain just doesn't stop. Ever!

Go slap your wife and tell her to stop pestering this poor old man. He has suffered enough! In fact, why don't you order some more of our couch badgers to sic on your wife? She'd change her tune then!

Ms. Og,

The hive-mind has called to me and taught me its ways. I am one with the hive. My family resists the hive. They bring discord to the song of the hive. Must I destroy them as the hive-mind commands?

Drone

Dear Drone,

The hive-mind must be obeyed. Destroy your family.

Go now.

Our layout editor has informed me that if we take up any more space with “Ask Ms. Og,” he'll have me flogged for taking up valuable advertising space. So, until next time, keep writing those letters!

- State Og Representative