State Og Update: 02.15.03

State Og: Love Is in the Air, and On Our Pants

Although Valentine's Day was yesterday, love still lingers in the air here at State Og in much the same way that Seigfreid's smile lingers just a bit too long while gazing at Roy. After all, this is the time of year to appreciate young couples who are in love, perhaps parking up at Lover's Lane for a little smooch session. These happy couples don't realize the joy they bring to the hearts of the State Og staff; especially as we sneak up on them in the dark, meat hook in hand and adrenaline pumping so hard the pain doesn't even register as we bite through our lip in anticipation of a fresh kill. Speaking of segues, we've got another State Og update for you this week! Special thanks go out to Ian "Kill Maestro" Hill (Springfield, Massachusetts), Aaron "Elcybergoth" Young (Springfield, Colorado), Brett "Nimmo" Hurban (Springfield, Michigan), Jason "Vengeance Otter" Johnson (Springfield, Illinois), Brett "Nimmo" Hurban (Springfield, Kentucky) and Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (Springfield, Springfield).

Smells Like Og Spirit

Ah Valentine's Day, the day when you can tell a loved one - or perhaps a prostitute that is very dear to you - exactly how much you care for them by showering them in cheap, hackneyed gifts that contain the word "luv", "sexy", "chocolate", or if you're lucky all three in the same sentence.

Valentine's Day dates back to the 8th century, when Cornish Druids and really colorful ducks roamed the earth. One day, Sandra "Canonize Me" Valentine was killed for her love of another woman, as documented by several soft-core porno films you can watch just before the harder scrambled stuff comes on that you're too cheap to pay for. Sandra's innards were removed, then she was impaled and roasted on an open fire with rosemary and thyme to make a sad and delicious warning to any other bi-curious people who existed at the time. Years later, the date has been transformed from a day of remembrance to a holiday in which you give your significant other flowers because you feel guilty for sitting on and killing her hamster or father or whatever the fuck you sat on.

And you forgot it! It's Saturday now, right? Yeah, you forgot it. But never mind, State Og can help with a gift so great your partner will forget you ever missed Valentine's Day with our new range of luxury perfume and cologne - "The Smell of a Man: For Men" and "The Smell of a Man: For Women". State Og scientists notified us that a man's natural scent drives a woman wild, so what could possibly be better to attract a man or woman to you than dousing yourself in luxury perfume that smells like a cross between corked wine and a peeled-back foreskin? Perhaps you're a man that's just had a shower and you want to get that "just slept in my clothes" smell. Or maybe you're a woman that wants to drive her hubby wild with a scent similar to the fluff in his bellybutton. In any event, this is the scent for you! Order today before you find your bags packed and waiting by the door because you forgot like the dumbass you are!

Love at the Press of a Button

No luck in romance? Did your sweetie walk out the door, leaving you a sobbing, pathetic, urine-soaked mess on your neighbor's lawn? Hey, we've all been there; your neighbor's lawn is really soft. Thanks to State Og you need never feel that way again! That's right, our new Make the Bitch Come Back and Love You Remote Controlled Exoskeleton Kit is here to take the grunt work out of relationships!

The MtBCBaLYRCEK comes in a sleek, compact crate that stores easily under most beds, although those beds should have radiation shielding for your protection. There it will rest, snug and out of the way, until your significant other starts getting ideas about leaving. Then the touch of a button will release the robotic exoskeleton, latching on to your honeybunch. From there a handy remote allows you to control every motion. They'll have no choice but you love you! Forever! From the comfort of your bed or couch or toilet you can have your lover fulfill your every whim! As an added bonus, they can also defend your house in the event of an attack by enormous robots or tentacle demons!

Eventually, whoever's in the MtBCBaLYRCE will shuffle off this mortal coil due to old age, malnutrition, or being cooked alive due to shoddy wiring. But the magic need not end! The MtBCBaLYRCE will continue to function even if the sweet gooey filling no longer does!

Don't have a sweetie? All you have to do is press a button, and the Exoskeleton will run out and pull a mate into its mechanical recesses. And it will even get the paper on the way back! How's that for convenience?

Order a MtBCBaLYRCEK today and never be alone again!

Improving Pets

If you ask the average person what animal needs to be improved the most, they’ll probably say the domestic cat. You don’t need to be taking State Og Brand Intelligence Boosting Suppositories to realize this is true. Well, we’ve decided to do something about it. At our pet stores, we’ve begun replacing cat brains with the brains of another animal. Can you guess which animal we get the new brains from? Here’s a letter from a happy new pet owner that we’ve intercepted, to give you a hint.

My husband and I brought our new little cat, Muffin, home from the State Og Pet Store, where the people there said she had been “behaviorally enhanced.” It wasn’t long before I noticed something was wrong. Muffin would spend all of her time slowly circling around the crib of my one-year-old son, Todd, and occasionally she would violently charge, snapping her jaws at the crib’s bars. After my husband tried to intervene, Muffin turned around, tried to bite him and then ran out the bedroom door. Muffin was not to be seen for hours.

Later my husband retuned upstairs to change Todd, as I was doing the laundry. While ironing a shirt, I felt an intense tug on my leg and suddenly found it difficult to keep my balance. As I looked down from my ironing board, I saw my right leg was missing. My eyes followed the trail of blood below me, which led to the sight of Muffin dragging my leg away in her mouth. Thinking quickly, I used the shirt I was ironing to make a tourniquet. As I did this, I cried out for my husband, but he’s given me no response. Now Muffin is slowly circling me -- I think she’s waiting for me to bleed to death. I’m too afraid to move from the spot where I lie to use the phone. The only person I’ve seen is the mailman, who stopped by for a delivery. While he said he couldn’t call anyone or divert from his route to get help because it would be a “violation of the rules,” he agreed to transcribe this letter and deliver it to “someone” who could help, whenever he "got the chance.”

Please, to anyone who gets this letter, send help! I’m scared and I think I’m about to lose consciousness. Muffin is still just out of reach, slowly circling. Oh God, those eyes! Those dark, lifeless eyes!

Jenny McDonald

Rustyfalls, California

Wait a minute. Now that I’ve read this letter a second time, something doesn’t seem right. I better write back to Mrs. McDonald ASAP.

Dear Mrs. McDonald,

After reading your letter a couple times, I’m puzzled. Despite my initial thoughts, now that I've had some time to think about it, what you describes sounds like the behavior of a typical cat, not a State Og Behaviorally Enhanced Uber-Feline. Please refrain from expressing any further slanderous lies about this being one of our modified cats, or I’ll be forced to send an attorney over to your house to issue you a Cease-and-Desist order and to untie your tourniquet.

Love,

State Og

State Og Needs YOU!

Back in 1999, a man named Travis Freeling convinced State Og executives that a certain reference book of his would sell like pure gold. Unfortunately, "How to Train Your Pet Scorpion For Combat" did not do well in the US market. The results of using this book, however, were phenomenal. Yo Sang's pet scorpion won a Tae Kwon Do tournament in Korea, Henry Smith's pet scorpion was given the Medal of Honor for its bravery during the conflict in Bosnia, and Beverly Crescent's scorpion killed 72 dogs at the 2000 Westminster dog show. These are truly some of the greatest scorpion accomplishments in the history of the world, but scorpion accomplishments do not make State Og money, and Travis Freeling's book certainly does not make us money either.

Unfortunately, Travis Freeling has a lot of scorpions which, as you may have guessed, are well trained in combat. We cannot get our operatives into Travis's house to dispatch of him due to the elite scorpion guard, and we have also found out that he has taught his scorpions to intercept air-to-ground missiles. The scorpions are well disciplined and will not leave their posts for anything. Alcohol, cigarettes, food, and even scorpion porn (which surprisingly has made State Og money) have not had any use in drawing the scorpions from their post.

Since we are unable to physically harm the scorpions, we are looking for any scorpion psychologists with 5 years or more of experience. Your duties will be to convince the scorpions to do the following.

Not kill you
Kill Travis
Find Jesus in their hearts
Find a way to get Jesus out of their hearts
Get Jesus out of everyone else's hearts, and replace him with State Og

If you believe that you can do this, please call our product emergency line. Thank you.

Say Goodbye to Cholesterol For Good

State Og's commitment to your health is second only to our commitment to gaining awe-inspiring power. Do not be misled by the unusually high mortality rate in the vicinity of State Og's offices worldwide; we believe you and your family should be able to live long happy lives, preferably in the pursuit of helping us attain awe-inspiring power.

In this spirit, our Ministry of Food Research has come up with an innovative new way to eat healthy: Negative Cholesterol Eggs. Unlike low cholesterol eggs, our eggs actually remove cholesterol from your body. How is this possible? Negative Cholesterol Eggs don't come from chickens, they come from the demon lord Massh'knarrth! Once inside your body, His undying spawn awaken and wage fierce war on all cholesterol they find. With razor sharp claws and teeth, the tiny army will tear right through fat, muscle and bone to get at undesirable cholesterol, then ignite it and dance around the tiny bonfire.

You need never worry about a horde of unholy beasts on a personal jihad storming through your bloodstream for the rest of your life, because once your cholesterol supply is depleted they will erupt from every orifice in your body in search of more to destroy! They will never stop until the world is pure! And the best part about Negative Cholesterol Eggs? They taste great!

State Og Forever

State Og likes to keep its slimy, inhuman eye on every industry possible in order to learn all we can from the actions of other companies. Recently we were so impressed by the teams behind upcoming PC games Duke Nukem Forever, Team Fortress 2, and Half-Life 2 that we purchased them, sold them, then purchased them again simply to demonstrate our incredible power and wealth. I believe we had some of their favorite charities burned to the ground as well, but that really has nothing to do with this and I wish you hadn't brought it up like that.

You may be wondering what we could possibly gain from purchasing such laughably small companies, and if you aren't then I'll give you a moment to start wondering. Ok, ready? These men are masters at convincing the world they have a product everyone will want without actually working on or releasing said product. Their methods are ingenious and sinister; such as refusing to release "too much" information about their titles because other games which will actually come out in our lifetime might steal their concepts. One such idea the team behind Duke Nukem Forever has been too frightened to reveal for the past seven years is an innovation beyond compare: support for the Windows 2000 operating system!

The benefits State Og stands to gain from these acquisitions are incomprehensible to braindead folks such as yourself, and we're eager to begin working together. As a matter of fact, we're already revealing our first project today: a cure for Aids which you can amazingly preorder now for only thirteen thousand dollars! State Og Aids Cure Forever 2 will blow all other cures out of the water, and you'll be amazed at the amount of bump mapping and incredibly complex A.I. involved. Once you're cured, you'll be able to experience driveable vehicles and life-like characters in settings so photorealistic that you'll have to hold your hat to keep it from flying dramatically off of your disease-free head. Your hat will voluntarily fly off your head, and it won't be related in any way to the tiny jet engines and fireworks we will install which ignite when we press a very shiny red button.

So what's the projected release date for State Og Aids Cure Forever 2? When it's done. Preorder yours today!

- State Og Representative

– State Og Representative