State Og Update: 12.13.03

State Og

Christmas is fast approaching, and you haven't even asked State Og what we want! We understand that this can be a busy time of year, so don't worry about offending us. We'll just send some Og Troopers to your house to pick up what we want. Thanks this week go to Brett "Nimmo" Hurban (with new kung-fu grip) and Jason "Vengeance Otter" Johnson (eyes really light up!).

Agent Nimmo On the Road

Hi, I have no update concerning any of State Og’s official activities this week. I don’t even know what's going on there since I haven’t gone in to work in a month. I hear something about a rebellion against Corin Tucker’s Stalker going on, and I must say that I’m quite upset that I’m missing it. I would gladly pretend to fight for whichever side that I thought had the best chance of winning and then do my best to take sole credit for the victory.

I have been spending the last month on the road on the State Og “Getting Back to Basics” tour. This promotion, which I invented and embarked upon without the approval of any of my superiors, is meant to cut through all the red tape and bureaucracy of big business and get back to being the kind of establishment that State Og was always meant to be.

I have visited over 20 cities in the last month, and I can assure you that every citizen of each of these major metropolitan areas are well aware of
the presence and motivations of State Og. You see, State Og has been so powerful for so long that we have forgotten the little things. That is
exactly why I have been spreading fear the old fashioned way.

People are no longer afraid of the next deadly virus or terrorist attack. Crappy TV shows have completely desensitized the public, but people will always be afraid of people with baseball bats chasing them at night. I can assure you that Salt Lake City once again recognizes the power of State Og. (Note: Mormons make really strange noises when surprised.)

Anyway, I’m bored and am about to head back to the main office. I have a paycheck waiting for me, and I’d like to cash and spend it before my plan to dilute the value of the US dollar takes effect.

Smiles, Everyone, Smiles!

My dear guests, I am Mr. Otter, your host. Welcome to Fantasy Roleplaying Island! Those are the first words you’ll hear when you arrive at Og’s new vacation resort, the place where you can finally act out all of your Dungeons and Dragons fantasies in real life. Once you step foot on our island, you’ll be run through a grueling gauntlet of physical and mental tests to determine what class you will be assigned. Afterwards, you will be free to venture forth and see what our island has to offer. Meet and join up with your fellow adventurers as you share the excitement of coming across our scary looking (but harmless) animatronic creatures. These creatures are so realistic, you’ll hardly be able to discern them from the bloodthirsty genetically engineered monsters we’ve released on the island.

Not convinced Fantasy Roleplaying Island is the best vacation spot ever? Well, just read the following opinions from our satisfied customers:

Hey State Og, your new resort is not only fun, it’s educational. For example, just like it is in D&D, I learned that there is no social stigma attached to the act of looting my friends’ bodies for all their valuables after they’ve been violently killed by creatures or in “unfortunate accidents.” – Mike the 8th level Paladin

We couldn’t agree more: when a close friend who's saved your life many times over dies, it's better than Chistmas. Also, wills and inheritances are for pussies. Keep fighting the good fight, Mike!

Hail, Og. Now that I’m the lord of a modest estate on Fantasy Roleplaying Island, I can’t wait to really put the fear of God into the serfs who tend my fields, and by “God” I mean me. Hmmm. I think I’ll use sodomy. That should do the do the trick. Maybe even some sort of sodomy-tax would be in order. – Bob the 11th level Fighter

Lord Bob, we are dazzled by the resplendent glory of your nobility!

Dear Assholes, I paid over $7,000 for this so-called vacation, and after showing up to your island and being administered seventeen urine tests, one of your ear-fucking agents told me that he had great news: I qualified for the “powerful and highly-desired peasant class.” Gee, thanks! The last two weeks I spent harvesting barley have been the best two weeks of my entire life! I hate you guys! Also, the way Lord Bob keeps looking at me make me feel uncomfortable.

Why are you printing this in your ad? – Dan the 19th level Peasant.

Keep that barley coming, ox jockey!

Dear State Og, when I read in your brochure that on Fantasy Roleplaying Island I could be a mage and cast spells like fireball, I thought someone was pulling my leg. Now that I know about using the right components for my spells (like a can of gasoline and a good quality lighter), I’m a regular pyromancing bitch-queen (not the sovereign kind). – Frank the 7th level Mage / 8th level cross-dresser.

These are just a few of our endorsements, so run down to the nearest seaplane port right now and buy a one-way ticket to Fantasy Roleplaying Island. If they don’t sell our tickets, then hijack a plane, you loser.