State Og Update: 06.05.04

State Og

This week the fates make a monkey out of Sam (Jason "Vengeance Otter" Johnson) when he quantum leaps into Bobo, an astrochimp who must avoid succumbing to the experiments of an Air Force neurologist (Jeremy "Darthphunk" Kraemer).

Confucius Say...

Nothing is more satisfying after a yummy feast of Chinese food than topping it all off with a fortune cookie. But, sadly, within these delicious cocoons of crunchiness lie bitter caterpillars of deceit: fortunes that never come true. But fret not, for State Og has spent nearly 5.8 million dollars (that we promised the government we’d use to find a cure for gout) on a way to put an end once and for all to that low feeling you get after realizing that the fortune you got prophesizing a lifetime of martial bliss with your neighbor’s ferret was nothing but a lie spun by the heartless Paper Goods Industrial Complex.

If your favorite Chinese food restaurant serves our new State Og brand fortune cookies, you can be assured that the fortune you read will come true, because as soon as you crack one open a tiny transmitter broadcast you GPS coordinates and what your fortune says to the nearest team of Og agents. They make sure your wish comes true, and as proof just look at these letters from satisfied customers:

To whom it may concern:

I was really surprised to actually get $100,000 after cracking open a State Og fortune cookie and reading how “A surprise will soon bring wealth!” I mean what are the odds of that happening? It’s really spooky, if you ask me. Even my wife’s fortune came true, which said, “You are resourceful and practical, but that won’t save your ass when our agents gun you down. Your hubby will get a nice sum from your life insurance, by the way.”

You guys must have tapped into some powerful and mystical Chinese energy!

Thanks!
Bill Nasser

Dear State Og,

I never expected fortune cookies to be anything more than a cute, but nonsensical, diversion. But now after trying a State Og cookie, those little slips of paper have stirred in me a level of fear known only to those who served in the gassed trenches of WWI Europe. To this day, I have never received a fortune that didn’t promise a future of anguish and torment (swiftly brought by your agents, I might add), but your cookies are so damn delicious that I can’t stop eating them. So, please, for the love of all that is holy, send me more cookies!!!

Brian Armstrong

Enjoy our cookies for their fortunes, for their taste and for the buzz you get from the special ingredients we simply list as “Natural Flavors.”

Better Than A Beardbox

Hey everyone! Darryl “Stains” Davis here! I’ve been hired as the official spokesperson for STATE OG’S HOME CHEMICAL/BIOENGINEERING division and have I got some exciting news for you!

First off, we all know that the CLAW HAMMER is the most widely used and successful method of stain removal and treatment in our solar system. It’s been done for years…

But aren’t you tired of using regular household hammers to remove stains from your children’s clothes? Your fragile blouses? Your delicate crotchless panties?

Well, GUESS WHAT STEVE! State Og has decided to release its most powerful home cleaning agent to you, the unsuspecting public!

Introducing OXY-ORANGE-STAIN-ULTRA-HAMMER 4000!!

This isn’t like any other Oxygen activated, Orange-oil enhanced claw hammer you’ve ever had the pleasure of wrapping your meaty ham hands around! This is the only product available on the market with the stain fighting power of MY BEARD! That’s right ladies and gentlemen, clean your kitchen and bathroom with my BEARD ENZYMES!

After years of living in my dead parents basement and never showering, the MASTER MINDS at STATE OG’S HOME CHEMICAL/BIOENGINEERING division discovered a new strain of bacteria thriving in my hideous, matted facial hair! The enzymes are carefully extracted and treated with a SPECIAL COMPLETELY SAFE AND HARMLESS AND NOT ILLEGAL IN COSTA RICA nuclear accelerant to ENHANCE the STAIN MURDERING POWER OF MY BEARD!

Use the OXY-ORANGE-STAIN-ULTRA-HAMMER 4000 in the kitchen to restore luster to countertops! In the garbage can to remove Indian spirits! Dismember the dead hookers you have stored in the pantry!

Use the OXY-ORANGE-STAIN-ULTRA-HAMMER 4000 in the bathroom to remove tough fecal stains from the ceiling and mouth! Use it as a refreshing alternative to toilet paper!

Use the OXY-ORANGE-STAIN-ULTRA-HAMMER 4000 in the laundry to remove tough semen and blood and pudding stains from your clown outfit! Use it to deodorize your graduation robe to remove the smells of failure! Although it probably won’t work! I’ve tried!

So that’s it for now! Run into your local hardware store, nursing home, or elementary school SCREAMING at the TOP OF YOUR LUNGS demanding your stain fighting claw hammer powered with DARRYL “STAINS” DAVIS’ BEARD JUICE!

Remember folks, “STATE OG HOME CHEMICAL/BIOENGINEERING – Making life easier and almost as safe, but definitely more exciting… and not necessarily in a good way.”