January 14, 2014

i am like 3/4 done with my retcon script of transformers where bumblebee has diabetes

— Michael Hale (@dogboner) January 14, 2014

"Oh I want to put my breasts on some idiot until his big ben strikes cream o'clock" -- straight people

— Patricia Lockwood (@TriciaLockwood) January 14, 2014

when someone asks if I want two CDs, i tell them yes. im not going to give up a chance at 2 free CDs out of fear of some sick joke.

— Tony homo (@BevisSimpson) January 13, 2014

What is Chris Christie blocking the road to the stage at the Golden Globes? Man, this is gonna get so many retweets.

— Jake Fogelnest (@jakefogelnest) January 13, 2014

id like to take those tv bazinga nerds to beatdown town. 1 way trip

— gary (@garyniceman) January 11, 2014

50 years ago having “industries” in your company name meant you built tanks and now it means your dad gave you $20,000 to make T-shirts.

— Dan McCarthy (@dmccarthy7) January 11, 2014

how to turn a girl on: during sex just say "thank you for letting me fuck you" over and over. she'll will love it.

— Craig (@girl_liker) December 3, 2012

Dating tip: when sitting down, pull out her chair. Yell as you throw chair as hard as you can. Boast to her no chair is as strong as you are

— Horton Atonto (@crushingbort) January 8, 2014

Say what you want about him but we could all use a friend as loyal as Dennis Rodman.

— Laura Mannino (@lauramannino) January 7, 2014

Realize I may be late to the party here, but have you guys heard of cigarettes?

— Brock Wilbur (@brockwilbur) January 7, 2014

It's so cute when guys think they can just date me without getting tweeted about.

— Tricia (@Im_Tricia) January 7, 2014

Can you imagine how powerful Bruce Lee would be if he had smoked K2 Spice, the legal, synthetic marijuana that makes its user invincible?

— John V (@wettbutt) January 6, 2014

I feel really clever when I freeze meals and then eat them later like I'm the only person who ever thought of this

— soccerbabe2003 (@realemilyattack) January 6, 2014

A DILF just showed my kids the disappearing quarter magic trick using his wedding ring and I bit my tongue so good.

— Li'l Edie Surly (@JennyPentland) January 5, 2014

HAHA Wrecking Ball is on the radio. Barrff. Listen to how awful it is ha ha I can't even - WHAT ARE YOU DOING DON'T CHANGE IT

— Eliza Bayne (@ElizaBayne) January 5, 2014

If I object at a wedding do I still get cake

— Jenny Young (@heyjennyyoung) January 5, 2014

Has anyone ever tried putting a fetus back INSIDE a woman's uterus? Hi, I'm Melissa and I just took NyQuil.

— Melissa Stetten (@MelissaStetten) January 5, 2014

Removed from Golden Corral for screaming "THE BIG MAN'S GOTTA EAT!" while waiting for the chocolate fountain to be refilled.

— TS Steinbacher (@TSSteinbacher) January 5, 2014

Trying out this new diet where I just sold all my kitchen appliances on Craigslist to a guy named Mervin.

— Lisa Bizzle (@Lisa_Bizzle) January 5, 2014

I accidentally dressed entirely in black sweater material today, if anybody out there is feeling the "1990s lesbian playwright" vibe.

— Julieanne Smolinski (@BoobsRadley) January 4, 2014

just thought about someone who really has to poop except both the seat and lid are down so they accidentally crap on the lid hahahaha

— jerry icy (@dangerousneil) January 4, 2014

"who the fuck buys name brand milk," i bellow, "its the fuckin same as generic milk!" my wife presses stop on the dvd player and goes to bed

— beefy tee (@BronzeHammer) January 3, 2014

i have a big butt. i have to use a top loading washing machine as a toilet. greetings

— BAKOON (@BAKKOOONN) January 3, 2014

hi grampa how is things at the nursing home i'm living in a circus of death... hows 6th grade its gay

— dwayne (@collatingbones) January 3, 2014

i just shot a #load into the #trashcan

— BRANSON (@bransonbranson) January 7, 2014

look at me. i slice fruit for my cereal. lah de dah. i have a million butlers to take care of macaws and my fridge works 100% of the time

— something something (@6thgrade4ever) January 7, 2014

Having had no formal cashier training the self checkout line is pure instinct for me

— Craig (@craigrachel) January 4, 2014

mum found me lad mags

— Ben ''Chiefarino'' (@MuscularSon) January 2, 2014

– Jon "@fart" Hendren (@fart)