March 11, 2014: Viewer's Choice

*looks at a butt* hmm yes this is a very good butt *uses a jewelers loupe to inspect the butt* hey wait a minute. this is a butt that poops

— rad milk (@rad_milk) October 15, 2013

i just got a promoted ad for huggies buttwipes i take these things very personally ur girls got the freshest crev this side of the mason dix

— rachel linda (@rachel_linda_) October 17, 2013

Hmm, a dead body. [takes a slow drag off of cigarette] Looks like the Dead Body Killer is at it again.

— Dan Glaser (@youranalogbuddy) February 26, 2014

@BronzeHammer @rachelmillman @pattymo NASDAQ originally evolved from the Naruto and Sonic Destroy Al-Qaeda webcomic

— Horton Atonto (@crushingbort) February 28, 2014

"Hey ladies, Im the dog catcher & I got a report of a bunch of ugly screaming dogs in this hotel room" -my brief stint as an insult stripper

— Cullen Crawford (@HelloCullen) January 7, 2013

sorry kids. i know you all wanted to learn sports but somebody made a typo on the job application so meet your new basketball couch.

— aLec robBins (@alecrobbins) November 15, 2013

Tomatoes are a rich source of lycopene (werewolf dick).

— lanyard (@lanyardigan) April 5, 2013

There’s nothing we can do, Governor. His last meal request was Olive Garden’s never ending pasta bowl.

— Jesse Neil (@JTrainNeil) February 20, 2014

[from inside a locker] technically this doesn't prove that I'm a nerd you guys, there's no control group

— Michael Raphone, Sr. (@michael_raphone) February 8, 2014

DENIRO: We did it man. Fuckin rock on PESCI: We took over the damn casino and now we gamble for FREE [both simultaneously] GAMBLE FOR FREE

— dwayne (@collatingbones) December 2, 2013

police also found a small bag of weed weighing 95 lbs. Some would call it a large bag but to me, the coolest reporter alive, its no big deal

— Mike F (@animal_drums_) February 12, 2014

*kohls 2002* *kohls 2002* *kohls 2002* *kohls 2002* Guy Fieri's time travel machine history

— Eric Rose (@EricDangerRose) February 26, 2014

"Is your refrigerator running wild and free, as we do?" -Teenage centaurs making a prank phone call

— BR▲NSON REESE (@bransonreese) November 14, 2012

What are these beautiful ceiling patterns. Was this shit laced. Will I ever get back to normal. From NPR News this is All Things Considered

— “big country” (@spaceship_earth) April 20, 2012

you can't take away my guns how else can i overcompensate for my absurdly tiny penis

— ⓣⓗⓔ ⓡⓘⓚⓔⓡ ⓛⓘⓚⓔⓡ (@andymoney69) January 30, 2013

"Holodeck, load simulation: Alternate Universe Where Ernest From The Movies Didn't Die," I said as I placed my head into the oven.

— Giorgio Corroder (@Happy_Loam) April 25, 2012

Last time I hooped in Moore Gym I was guarding a dude with no socks on and he did a spin move and a smashed Mcdouble fell out his pocket.

— Sam (@SamuelRahsaan) March 22, 2013

The funniest thing I did yesterday was when Lenny Kravitz's cover of "American Woman" came on the radio and I turned it up really loud.

— ASW (@TotallyAllen) October 6, 2012

you break all my thing you KILL my family, you knoeckd over my scanner

— xavier (@funWindow) December 18, 2011

"PIZZA" IS ACTUALLY AN ANAGRAM... P - PLEASUREFUL I - INTERESTING Z - CANT THINK OF ONE Z - CANT THINK OF ONE A - "AGG"-CELLENT

— Big-Tity Honker's (@BikiniBabeLover) June 17, 2013

Crazy that Jim Henson thought of the name “Rowlph” without ever hearing me eat strawberries.

— Matt Koff (@mattkoff) May 16, 2012

@fart I want to fuck you.

— Michael Hale (@dogboner) February 25, 2013

ceci n'est pas une Huge Male Ass

— Greaser Heart Throb (@CyberMale1996) May 26, 2012

– Jon "@fart" Hendren (@fart)