March 25, 2014

What, God, have I ever done to deserve the term "Chris Christie Gangbang Video" on my timeline?

— Julie Klausner (@julieklausner) March 18, 2014

BREAKING NEWS. THERE IS A WOMAN CUDDLING A LIVE OWL A MY GATE. pic.twitter.com/F20w52x7eV

— Nikki Glaser (@NikkiGlaser) March 19, 2014

Wake up screaming 'I'm a nerd with a turd for a testicle!'

— WilliamButlerTweats (@leducviolet) March 19, 2014

Im the gene that controls areola size

— Big-Tity Honker's (@BikiniBabeLover) March 20, 2014

my dream uncle would have the calves of an angel...and the thighs of a Devil

— wint (@dril) March 20, 2014

Good Riddick to bad rubbish: you think you can hide in the dark, trash? In going to take you out, for the garbageman to pick up

— 　 　 　 ｇｅｇｔｉｋ (@gegtik) March 20, 2014

i just popped a filthy grape in my mouth and drooled all over the crotch of my pants as i tried to spit it out

— Sex Carl (@SexCarl) March 20, 2014

Apple's early years were so rough someone tried to eat the logo

— Gavin (@GavinJamieson) March 20, 2014

A man wearing a Naruto headband dishonored my family. I can never return home.

— The Big Guy (@TSSteinbacher) March 20, 2014

Hey Superman, glad you got that big-ass "S" on your chest so I don't mistake you for a different jacked flying dude. Haha you fuckin chump

— Mickey McCauley (@Mickey_McCauley) March 21, 2014

Billy Joel moves me in a way that no other 64 year old man does.

— .lia. (@SocialMediaLia) March 11, 2014

> interfacing with cyberspace... opening LunchNET... uplinking data bands... Hello Jon. What do you want to eat for lunch today

— DeepWebDude (@Ennui_Raver) March 21, 2014

listening to Cake in perfect audiophile quality, you can occasionally hear the beeps from the casio watch John McCrea wears around his dick

— David Thorpe (@Arr) March 21, 2014

In this moment, I am euphoric. Not because of any phony god's blessing. But because, I sprayed metal primer into a paper bag.

— Zack Parsons (@sexyfacts4u) March 14, 2014

Could you imagine buying a $60k car and every time you start it up it shows you Bing on the screen

— Regular Type Fellow (@DinkMagic) March 22, 2014

I thought "raw doggin' it" was when you were too lazy to cook the hotdog before eating it

— Big Tits Will Weldon (@oldmanweldon) March 22, 2014

Joe Rogan: Yes, I did take big tokes of DMT. And yes I did see all the atoms of the soul. Supreme Court: [gasping, talking among themselves]

— John V (@wettbutt) March 22, 2014

420. Anyone heard of this number? Anyone? You know what that number means? Look it up, and have fun dude.

— Hoo hoo hoo! (@Perfect_Beanis) March 22, 2014

I ran over someone and now there's a bunch of flowers where it happened. It's like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts

— sara (@mrsjohngoodman) March 12, 2014

And he's gotta be strong, and he's gotta be fast, and he's gotta be fresh from the fight? Check, check and check. Look no further, I'm here!

— Jake Fogelnest (@jakefogelnest) March 22, 2014

Hello Sharks. My name is Stefan, and I- *accidentally drives combination riding mower/toilet through the wall of the Shark Tank set*

— stefan (@boring_as_heck) March 23, 2014

Kissing the Stanley Cup is the third most common way of transmitting Hepatitis C.

— dan guterman (@danguterman) March 23, 2014

Kids are watching the previous Muppet movie on cable & I must say that all the villains have pretty compelling anti-Muppet arguments

— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) March 23, 2014

LAWYER: DO adult men argue on line about game consoles? STEVEN SEAGAL squints and mouths "what?" JUDGE: I direct you to answer that question

— NFL RObot Wheatus (@wheatretard) March 23, 2014

im rejuvenated and ready to fuck

— Sex Carl (@SexCarl) March 24, 2014

If you think about it, mechanized infantry and the blitzkrieg doctrine was the first "killer app" *resumes innovating*

— Degenerate Gandhi (@Bro_Pair) March 24, 2014

– Jon "@fart" Hendren (@fart)