September 10, 2013

i can't believe there's a guy named Zayn Malik and he's not even a Bond villain or something

— bub bub tell 'em (@bub__bub) September 2, 2013

I've been eating nothing but 7-11 hot dogs for about 3 weeks and my fingernails are all wavy now?

— Eddie Brawley (@ebrawley) September 2, 2013

*bows head and holds hands with family around dinner table* dear lord, we thank you for these lovely clits that we're about to munch down on

— rad milk (@rad_milk) September 2, 2013

one time i saw college aged guys grilling outside, listening to club music. one of them said "when the cat's away, the mice will play"

— Neon ''Butch'' Wario (@neonwario) September 3, 2013

sick and tired of my neighbor booing whenever i watch anime. drilling hole into her apt to stick my weener through and piss on her stuff

— BAKÖÖN (@BAKKOOONN) September 2, 2013

Happy Labor Day!

— Coolio (@coolio) September 2, 2013

what if one horny man was responsible for over 18% of all craigslist casual encounters posts. what if you were shaking his hand right now

— something something (@6thgrade4ever) September 3, 2013

[about to be hanged for treason] this is as bad as that Miley cyrus tweerking thing hahaha [bloodthirsty crowd laughs & blows up my favstar]

— Tony homo (@BevisSimpson) September 3, 2013

ahhh now to read up on pharmacology and psychoactives from some dude named ryan from buzzfeed

— Sex Carl (@SexCarl) September 3, 2013

#WhyWontGirlsHaveSexWithMe is one of those rare turns of phrase that is the answer to the question it asks.

— brendle what (@brendlewhat) September 4, 2013

#WhyWontGirlsHaveSexWithMe i only take first dates to harlem globetrotters games to promote an aura of success and they dont tour here often

— Donald Hughes (@donald_hughes) September 4, 2013

I'd like to go ahead and rule out running in 2014. Not for office, just in general.

— Jason Isbell (@JasonIsbell) September 4, 2013

A McDonald's commercial for $4.99 20 piece chicken McNuggets made my mouth water. Please don't RT.

— molly (@Molly_Kats) September 4, 2013

They made a coffin that plays music. I have now changed my stance on death & I want to die & I am assembling my playlist right now

— drewtoothpaste (@drewtoothpaste) September 4, 2013

Ma'am, I'm sorry to inform you that your baby will spend the rest of his life... *deep breath* ...promoting his personal brand.

— Ari Scott (@ariscott) September 4, 2013

The baby just puked, i think his body is rejecting the pepsi

— Jobes (@JrJobes) September 4, 2013

Here's my Breaking Bad theory: some of you are using anticipation for a TV show's finale to substitute for excitement in your actual lives.

— Buff Daddy (@KeyserSogay) September 4, 2013

i finally worked up enough courage to cry in front of the pregnant woman who frequents my gym

— wint (@dril) September 4, 2013

I'm a gamer foodie. Lol at cheetos and mt dew. Toasted eggplant avocado wraps much? Eat a braised quail slider every time i get a headshot

— lehan (@leh0n) September 4, 2013

#JohnMcCainIsMoreUselessThan My Ass Which Gets Hard When I Am Horny, Instead Of My Dick Like Normal People

— michael hale (@dogboner) September 5, 2013

Don't know if it's anxiety or the 5pm latte but regardless this expired generic feline Atavan just isn't doing the trick.

— Ana Gasteyer (@AnaGasteyer) September 5, 2013

Pranksters Kick Open Stall Door And Tase Man On Toilet Causing Him To Shit Uncontrollably (ORIGINAL) - Uploaded by PrankTube - 362,706 views

— Löwenäffchen (@Lowenaffchen) September 5, 2013

seeing people not interested in football, tweet during football, is like watching someone feel around on the ground for their broken glasses

— dark triad tweeter (@bIoach) September 6, 2013

the only place where vagina is before vegeta is in the dictionary

— joe (@super_bugs) September 6, 2013

There's a two-week-old piece of caramel corn stuck in the "s" key yes I already tried to vacuum suck it out with my mouth it any other ideas

— Emily Donahue (@seriouslyemily) September 6, 2013

an image ingrained in my mind is a 30 year old 5' tall dude from my town with a mullet spinning nunchuks outside his mom's trailer

— Dan (@dankmtl) September 7, 2013

the boxing & fight sports guys spit out the water they sip because the coach is always whispering black friday tv deals in their ears

— John V (@wettbutt) September 7, 2013

I SEE YOU, 30-SOMETHINGS WITH NEW VISIBLE TATTOOS. IT'S TOO LATE THO

— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) September 7, 2013

brb just gonna slip into something a little more comfortable *returns wearing period-stained flannel pants and an oversized band t-shirt*

— Saragh Adams (@SaraghAdams) September 8, 2013

idk what football game is on tv rn but i just recited all of biggies 10 crack commandments to my father and he didnt even look up wtf

— rap game glenna (@glenna_opt) September 8, 2013

I look like an expertly preserved corpse in every picture.

— emily faye (@emilyfaye2) September 9, 2013

suing hypercolor fedoras inc. for embarrassing yellow patch indicating high heat in the thinking about riding dragons + crying brain area

— mike c (@DinkMagic) September 9, 2013

trying to sext on a rotary phone

— BRASNON (@bransonbranson) September 9, 2013

Does it mess up your chainsaw blade/chain if u paint it?

— GraeyDave (@graeyalien) September 10, 2013

told my stepdad that in Korea gamers are revered as powerful godlike beings and he left the dinner table and threw my xbox into the pool

— stefan (@boring_as_heck) September 10, 2013

Just met with my divorce attorney. Looks like the ex is going to get everything (except rap and country)

— Jackson Polyp (@JacksonPolyp) September 10, 2013

– Jon "@fart" Hendren (@fart)