October 8, 2013

hahaha guy on train is blasting the nastiest hardest rap in his earbuds while he tears up the most colorful candy puzzle game ive ever seen

— John V (@wettbutt) October 7, 2013

If I cracked corn I probably wouldn't give a shit either.

— Aaron Blitzstein (@BlitznBeans) October 7, 2013

I am on this weeks Catfish, where I fall in love with a 20,000 year old Catfish diety and am transported to The Realm of Hungry Ghosts

— A Magical Corpse (@Dead_Wizard) October 7, 2013

the scariest thing you could be for halloween is aware of your shortcomings and the fruitlessness of your dreams

— Talia Jane (@itsa_talia) October 7, 2013

its more than just a sword its also my best friend

— vrunt (@vrunt) October 6, 2013

I remember once some weirdo added me on skype and he didn't speak to me just stared at me while smoking a cigarette .

— Fan1233 (@fan1233) October 6, 2013

taking pictures of two different animals briefly interacting does not mean they're friends.

— Alison Stevenson (@JustAboutGlad) October 5, 2013

congrats to the dude on the ski doo who sat in the harbor and watched the wedding ceremony while scratching his belly

— Big Titty LARPer (@rachelmillman) October 5, 2013

there's a police officer at this party and I'm an unarmed woman with a history of mental illness. getting nervous.

— keply (@MmeSurly) October 5, 2013

Oh my god I bought the beginner's deluxe magic kit starter set and upgraded it to have 5 phone calls with a real life magician for help

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) October 5, 2013

does anyone know what to do if you carve a pumpkin that is too scary. i cant go in my kitchen

— volte (@vvvolte) October 4, 2013

Remarkable art video portrays time passing at normal speed

— Nick Douglas (@toomuchnick) October 4, 2013

Photobooth is great because it reminds you of all the times you kissed someone that won't even talk to you now.

— Spirit Ghost (@haha_what) October 4, 2013

The worst part of Miley Cyrus, by FAR, is the realization we're going to be faced with this boring bullshit for the rest of our lives.

— Sean Tejaratchi (@ShittingtonUK) October 3, 2013

If you get your fuck sauce in my hair, I am definitely going to key your car.

— Tricia (@Im_Tricia) October 2, 2013

hahaha i have 711 followers! just like the place i go to for nasty booze and to have people cough on me in line

— LAMBCHOP YEEZUS (@iamWillemDafoe) October 2, 2013

Now that simcity supports modding I can finally release my nude train skins

— supermoof (@supermoof) October 2, 2013

bat man and iron man are both jerk off fantasies for people whose fondest dream is unlimited wealth and its attendant freedom from morality

— mike c (@DinkMagic) October 2, 2013

[throws smoking orb pulsing the message I'VE HAD SEX deep into the belly of the temple]

— Doctor Scareitas (@doctorveritas) October 2, 2013

It's a good thing my cat saw a moth an hour and a half ago because he really needed an evening project.

— Julie Klausner (@julieklausner) October 2, 2013

Just beat up a fat security guard with my skateboard.

— Lisa Bizzle (@Lisa_Bizzle) October 1, 2013

Guess men are just too emotional to hold government office

— Boo-ryce Maimsville (@Khazar222) October 1, 2013

im so handsome women feel intimidated by me. thats why they never talk to me and ask their boyfriends to kick my retarded ass

— deg (@degg) September 29, 2013

Global warming cause: 3.5 billion males creating heat w/ friction by constant furious masturbation & hasbeen rising since anime was invented

— paraNORMALone (@paraone) September 27, 2013

db strolls into the NASA nerd lab. cut to a fairly sick montage of me showing those eggheads how to unclasp a bra with one hand

— Michael Hale (@dogboner) September 27, 2013

why can't i fuck harder? *punches the concrete while on hands and knees*

— dark triad tweeter (@bIoach) September 27, 2013

Ordered some flooring samples, and the envelope they came in said, "Prepare to be floored." This is the kind of criminality I'm talking abou

— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) September 26, 2013

How relieved was everyone to realize adulthood was nothing like Mad About You.

— Anne T. Donahue (@annetdonahue) September 26, 2013

A zit in a wrinkle? Looks like I CAN have it all.

— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) September 25, 2013

Just told my dad I love him and he texted back a pic of a guy surfing

— Mark Little (@markmarklittle) September 25, 2013

Here's a sexy tip to spice up your marriage! Get a divorce and remarry someone younger.

— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) September 25, 2013

I'm the guy that eats like half of my pumpkin before I even get to the checkout lane to pay for it

— Skipper Chug Laguna (@DoctorDogballs) September 25, 2013

first day of class, projects image of a titty, circles it with laser pointer. "Now class, this symbolizes how much I want to suck a titty."

— johnasavoia (@johnasavoia) September 25, 2013

"Can wolverine pick his nose"??? HE HAS A HEALING FACTOR he wouldn't get a runny nose in the first place. Get off me, this sex is over

— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) September 25, 2013

I'd probably be married with kids if I wasn't so busy dominating at the BMX track every week.

— Lisa Bizzle (@Lisa_Bizzle) September 25, 2013

If this Shakespeare guy is so "ahead of his time" then why does he still cling to notions of gender? Fuck this, we're reading Scott Pilgrim.

— plopadop (@plopadop) September 25, 2013

– Jon "@fart" Hendren (@fart)