The PC Game Launcher Trash-Off

Steam

Valve was once the Willy Wonka's chocolate factory of video games, as enormously successful as they were innovative and surprising. Now the only thing they create is crushed laurels. Because they rest on them.

Look, I'm not entirely clear on what laurels are.

Biggest Pro:

+ It's got all those games you bought when Steam was good.

Biggest Con:

- There are too many games. By that I don't mean, "There are too many cool, creative titles from small teams". I mean, "I can't find those cool, creative titles in this sea of asset flips, zero-effort trash hiding behind anime boob thumbnails, and literal hate speech."

Rating:

Epic Games Store

The first real challenger to Steam isn't a storefront that shakes things up by providing customers with a better experience. It comes from a company with infinite money shoving an inferior product down everyone's throats and buying exclusives. That's capitalism, baby!

If you haven't been paying attention, capitalism sucks shit.

Biggest Pro:

+ When you go to launch a game, a looping full-page animation no longer runs in the background.

Biggest Con:

- "What the heck is a shopping cart? We just don't know." - Epic

Rating:

Uplay

Sometimes you buy a PC game during a Humble Bundle sale and wonder where the heck your Steam key is. That's when you're reminded that Uplay continues to exist.

Biggest Pro:

+ Ubisoft's Uplay Coins are actually called Uplay Units, and I find that delightful. You can use your Ubisoft Uplay Units to purchase... wallpapers?

Biggest Con:

- It contains the original Watch_Dogs.

Rating:

GOG

Once upon a time, GOG was dedicated to making old games available and playable on modern computers. Now they are dedicated to... making transphobic comments available on social media? I dunno. They have a GOG Galaxy 2.0 client in the works that promises to consolidate all of your games from all of your accounts in one launcher. That sounds nice!

Biggest Pro:

+ GOG is a heck of a lot of fun to say out loud.

Biggest Con:

- Every time I look at my library I remember that I still haven't finished Quest for Glory.

Rating:

Origin

If you want to play The Sims or Battlefront, you'll wind up here. And honestly? The client isn't too shabby.

Biggest Pro:

+ EA no longer charges a fee to download games you purchased 6+ months ago.

Biggest Con:

- You should be able to buy all the DLC for Mass Effect 1-3 and Dragon Age: Origins on Origin instead of digging around BioWare's haunted points shop.

Rating:

Battle Net

This is the one where Lowtax makes me play Hearthstone.

Biggest Pro:

+ Lowtax bought me Hearthstone cards.

Biggest Con:

- When I try to play Hearthstone I turn into an even bigger incompetent idiot than I already am.

Rating:

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)