Armor of God PJs (Thanks, NotJust4Breakfast!)

For little boys and girls, first sleepovers can be pivotal events, with far-ranging social implications for those who make an embarrassing showing. Kids might get tagged with indelible unflattering nicknames if they wet the bed, react in a memorably comic fashion to any pranks that befall them for falling asleep first, or wear freakish faith-based footed pajamas. The boys Armor of God outfit includes a centurion helmet, paying loving homage to the Christian-slaughtering Romans. The girls model comes with the word "Salvation" emblazoned on what looks like a bridal veil, which is apt, given that the phrase "wives, submit yourselves unto your husbands" occurs on the same Bible page as the passage that inspired these costumes. Both versions come with a shield, which youngsters unfortunate enough to don these outfits at a slumber party might find useful in warding off punches, pillows and projectiles. Ephesians 6:16 suggests the shield should also "extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one," which in this case places a lot of faith in fabric. 6:17 clarifies that "sword of the spirit" means "word of God," which explains why this sleepwear comes with the New Testament rather than a foam blade. Unfortunately for some soon-to-be-traumatized children, the manufacturers took the rest of this extended metaphor very literally.

– Andrew "Garbage Day" Miller