I've recently become quite an expert on Modern Warfare 2 multiplayer. I have perfected the ability to spawn directly in the middle of air strikes. I can trigger claymores with my face from miles away. My head has gradually transformed into a powerful magnet, capable of pulling in and absorbing any sniper shot fired in any direction on any server. By examining my perpetual cycle of failure, I have devised the following flawless Modern Warfare 2 tips and tricks to ensure victory. Feel free to thank me by transferring all your Microsoft points to "Lowtaxico" on Xbox Live.

Preparing Yourself for Battle

Ignore every stat except 'damage.' None of them matter. Upon entering the game lobby, immediately vote to skip the current map. It doesn't matter what it is; vote to skip it. If you skip 5,000 maps, then you can unlock an achievement awarding you 5,000 points and the ability to ejaculate solid gold. Vote against each and every map that appears. The ideal battlefield is a featureless white void populated with only ballot boxes. Exploding ballot boxes.

There are many different guns to choose from, each with its own unique stats, traits, and techniques. Ignore all that crap and simply select the largest one you can find. Bigger gun = bigger bullets = more points. Why bother mastering any weapon besides the L86 LSW and the Intervention? It's pointless since nothing can do more damage than those two, and therefore everything else is inferior. Well, except for the knife. And those red barrels full of mysterious exploding atoms. And falling more than three feet.

No matter what weapon you decide on, make absolutely certain it is not the riot shield. This is one of the most powerful, cheap weapons in Modern Warfare 2, and if you select it, all the other players will grow jealous of your superb weapon-choosing skills. Video game experts have conclusively proven it's physically impossible for a soldier armed with a riot shield to ever die. Just think about the concept: this is a weapon that protects its user from certain death. Equipping it grants nothing short of immortality!

If a player armed with a riot shield crouches directly in front of you, you will never, ever be able to kill them no matter how many times you sit in one location and shoot them head-on. Sure, I suppose it's technically possible to defeat them by moving slightly to the right or left, but if Infinity Ward wanted people to do something outrageous like that, they would've named the game "Modern Walk to the Side of Some Guy."

Always choose the underbarrel grenade launcher. It instantly transforms any weapon into a sniper rifle... an exploding sniper rifle! This attachment is especially useful in close quarters combat; it's like getting hit in the face by a can of peas... an exploding can of peas!

Throughout your multiplayer progression, you will unlock emblems, callsigns, and the ability to add a clan tag to your name. You should spend hours carefully examining each option until you are able to determine the most effective combination to demonstrate your love for marijuana. For example, the "joint ops" emblem is great because the word "joint" is slang for "marijuana!" Ha ha!

Do you get it? Do you understand? This is all really complex and intellectual shit here, but just hang with me for a bit. You're insinuating that you really enjoy drugs! You're an Xbox Live outlaw and you ain't afraid of the 5-0 or your lame dad busting in and finding that seven-month old roach clip you hid in that box of Pocky! You are cool! Internet cool! Your clan tag is even more flexible, allowing you the ability to brainstorm revolutionary creations such as "[wEEd]" or "[HigH]." The ideal combination would resemble something like the following example:

Please note the randomly capitalized letters and number substitutes, both of which prove to the world that your contempt for the police is matched only by your contempt for proper grammar and spelling. These images represent you as a person, and nothing can communicate how awesome and unique you are quite like advertising your drug habits in a game about shooting people in the face. That's why I joined clan [COCK].

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