Happy News, submitted by Hercuload. Does regular news sometimes get you down? I mean, all that death and violence and tragedy, day in and day out, even their fluff-pieces usually revolve around someone get shot or stabbed. Why can't there be an alternative news source, for those of us who are incapable of dealing with the tragic reality of the horrible world in which we exist? NOW THERE IS!!! Happy News features the hottest stories to hit the presses, fresh from an incredibly idiotic and preachy e-mail forward near you!

Today will never return again. It expires at midnight tonight. Everyone on this planet, whether rich or poor was given the same 24 hours, and right now the clock is ticking! Today is the tomorrow you dreamed about yesterday! What will you accomplish today? How will you remember today? How can you make today a little different than yesterday?

Dan Rather, eat your fucking stone heart out, these people know how to open up my chest and touch that special spot, I think you know what I'm talking about...yeah, a little lower, right there Happy News...unnnnnnnhhhhh.

Now I sit me down in school, where praying is against the rule. For this great nation under God finds mention of him very odd.

If scripture now the class recites, it violates the bill of rights. And anytime my head I bow becomes a federal matter now.

Wait, I get it, they're not just providing us with happy news, they're also trying to ram conservative Christian horseshit doctrine down the open gullets of today's youth. Bully for you Happy News, you are the man I wish I could be.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

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