Hug E Gram (Thanks, Crass!)

It's time for another last-minute Valentine's Day gift idea! Let's say you can't spend February 14 with your wife or girlfriend, because you have to go on a business trip, or attend the fan-tastic NBA All-Star Game, or take a romantic trip with your mistress to help her forget that you sleep in a bed with your wife or girlfriend every other night. You could send flowers like a stupid jerk, or you could go to Hug E Gram and mail her a device that will simulate your embrace, assuming you were dressed as Mario or Hamburger Helper, because it was Halloween or whatever. She'll be thrilled, even if you've had to miss Valentine's Day for four consecutive years, like the dickhead in the Hug E Gram ad!

The Hug E Gram comes in "stylish colors" such as salmon, so you can feel like you're finding comfort in the evolved arms of a fish from the future! If you act now, Hug E Gram will also include flowers, which might seem odd because their commercial makes it clear that flowers are a terrible, disappointing item to receive in the mail. But wait! These flowers are made of wood. Instead of thorns, you can get splinters! And you don't need to water them, and in fact if you do, they'll become rotten and warped! Your wife or girlfriend or husband/boyfriend-with-eccentric-tastes will be the talk of the neighborhood with her/his portable strap-on hug and fresh-carved flowers. Other uses for Hug E Gram:

• Place it on a tree in front of the home of someone with whom you're infatuated. If he/she is charmed, proceed to slipping the Hug E Gram around his/her waist! If not, claim you were just demonstrating your love of nature and/or celebrating Arbor Day. (He/she will not know when Arbor Day actually occurs.)
• Convince someone it's a valid flotation device, take this person on a float trip, kick them off the canoe.
• Wrap it around the circumference of the trash can to create a mirthful sight gag for the sanitation worker who will inevitably cart it away.

– Andrew "Garbage Day" Miller