Rubmaps (Thanks, Crow_Rodeo!)

Rubmaps is a service for locating and reviewing erotic massage parlors across the country. In other words, it's Yelp for happy endings. The disclaimer it greets you with includes hotlines for reporting child exploitation and human trafficking, always a good sign that you're about to enter a reputable, upstanding website.

If you're new to the seedy world of erotic massages, you should check out the blog, where resident expert "Mongo" dishes out advice, like how to tell Asians apart and how to hint to your masseuse that you want the ol' rub & tug (check the comments for cool harassment techniques from people with Garfield avatars). Did you know getting a massage is more cost effective than hiring an escort? Just because you're a sad, repulsive creep who pays for human intimacy doesn't mean you can't be frugal!

Naturally, reviews are Rubmap's main attraction, but you'll need to register a free account to view some of them, or a paid account to access all of them. This is a foolproof way to ensure law enforcement doesn't shut down any of the parlors, much like taping a "NO COPS ALLOWED" sign on the door of your meth lab.

Each review features an at-a-glance guide listing details (ethnicity, height, breast size, pubic hair) of the massagers, who have names like Sophia, Lily, and "Forgot," as well as the "services" they provide. In the "More Details" section, customers describe their sessions in either brisk, matter-of-fact terms ("Chunky with bangs. Massage was good. Did everything right and even feet. Kinda graced goodies but nothing real.") or in disgusting detail ("I explained that I'm always the same - a couple of minutes of tugging, and I'll pop. But I recover quickly, and the second coming is always longer and better.")

As you read the reviews, you're bound to come across a bunch of acronyms like "GFE," which the slang guide says is short for "girlfriend experience" and entails "RBGFE = BBBJ, CFS, DFK, DATY, and MSOG." Boy, wasn't that helpful?

Unfortunately, not all the reviews have happy endings, as discovered by "dropthetreble," who seems like the Dave Barry of handjob reviews:

I saw it was a very nice establishment, signs of a legitimate joint. The aura and atmosphere of the pace reeked of professionalism, and I should have run when I had the chance. I decided to stick through it though, to make sure. Katie came in while I laid on the table with the towel on, and gave me my massage. No teasing under the towel, no dirty talk, no hints of anything but a regular massage. I just ended up laying there taking the very relaxing massage, a bit bummed out. I guess you can't always get what you want when your an HE hunter.

He still gave it four stars, though, so it wasn't a total loss.

– Adam "rubber cat" Jameson (@robbercat)